Parents who have children and grandkids they never see

[Anonymous]

My MIL last visited 3 years ago. My FIL last visited 7 years ago. They complain we never visit them (we go once or twice a year for a week). I just smile and nod. I guess it's performative. They are retired and healthy and wealthy enough to go to Europe, Asia, etc.

Can't make someone be something they aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Until fairly recently lots of people were pressured to have children they didn't really want.

This. Also the same feminism that has helped younger women decide not to have kids, or to have fewer kids, is also influencing older women to eschew the expectations on them as grandmothers. When they decide they won't help with grandchildren and won't be the doting maternal figure that grandmothers are traditionally expected to be, this might feel to them like a feminist assertion of their liberation. Especially if they wound up becoming mothers without ever being given other choices, resented the role, and now see younger women avoiding that altogether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, my parents are exactly like this. It's really sad and depressing for me.

There is no strained relationships, I think it's just that they aren't, and never really were, family-oriented people.

They retired very early (58) and decided to move clear across the country to California, to a town where they knew no one and had never been to before. They had absolutely no reason to move out there, no family out there, but they liked the idea of the California lifestyle and it was very different from the East-coast boring hometown I grew up in. I was okay with their move even though that same year DH and I bought a house and decided to settle in our current area (we've been here 20 years now). I was still okay with their move until my kids were born--I thought they would decide to move closer. But no. They were content being once a year grandparents. Meanwhile they traveled the world (multiple International trips per year) but still only saw us once a year. Keep in mind that they were retired, finances were not an issue, it's more that they weren't interested in being a part of our lives.

I asked them to move closer multiple times during those years, and they refused. Most recently, we had a discussion about it one year ago, when they started to slow down, but they still refused and they said they will never move. This really upset me because it is a 6 hour plane ride for me to come out there.

My kids are now 10 and 12 and they have seen their grandparents once a year on average. We usually go there over the summer. They have missed out on so much, but they don't seem to mind. They like how things are and have no plans to change it.

I do feel abandoned by them, and I have a lot of resentment towards them. Their refusal to move closer once the kids were born has caused our relationship to become strained. We're pleasant and polite, but distant.

I wish it were otherwise, but I have just accepted this is the way things are.

Why didn't you move to California?

Why should she? Especially if the only tie to the area is parents who prioritize her. I wouldn't pick up and move across the country either.

+1, and it sounds like the grandparents aren't interested in being involved and supportive anyway. The PP is thus much better off staying near the community she grew up in, where she likely has deep ties and certain things will be easier simply due to familiarity and knowing how everything works. Either way, she's not going to get the support of her parents, so she should stay in the place where she is more likely to get other kinds of support -- alumni networks for work, friends and church to help with parenting or if one of them is ill, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of undercurrent here. Not the same but I have two friends with toddlers nearby (my own is a teen). One of them I like babysitting for because their house is clean, their kid is easygoing, and it’s their first and I approve having at least one kid.
The other friend has two older kids, is mentally unstable but decided to have a third despite having no family support. She has a dog so the house is chaotic and smelly. The kid is quite attached to her so it takes her a while to warm up to strangers. The one time I babysat the kid kept trying to get into older kids’ rooms (the doors were closed) instead of playing with me. I did try to engage her, I am good at it, but the older kids would pass through and she would run after them. The longest couple hours ever.

You sound mentally ill

Okay you can think that but then so are the grandparents in question. When you don’t approve someone’s lifestyle or they just aren’t fun for you to be around you don’t visit. Simple as that

This was in response to the person posting who babysat for a few kids, one of whom was young and apparently didn’t enjoy the experience and tried to go to her older siblings

I am that person. I responded again. What I was trying to say is: sometimes parents don’t approve of their kids’ lifestyle, or don’t like their partner, or don’t like the grandkids (it’s taboo to say it but there are more and less likeable kids out there). There are so many reasons why grandparents don’t really want to visit much.

Or they just don’t like any kids, period.

That can be the reason as well. But as someone who isn’t yet a grandparent but has a situation that is as close to grandparenting as possible (my kid is older and I like small kids and I like helping my friends) I can say that there are usually subtle issues involved.

[Anonymous]

This is my in-laws. They are both remarried and spend more time with their spouse's families than their own children or blood relatives. They spent more time chasing other people and dating than raising their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs are like this. The truth is that we are their least favorite children, they don't like where we live, they don't enjoy spending time with us, and they have minimal interest in our daughter. That's it. It's sad but it's the truth and it's only in the last couple years that DH and I have come to accept it and decided to, for instance, visit them less and just stop worrying about it. They just don't really want to see us. They haven't disowned us or anything, there was not falling out or specific reason for this. They are just indifferent.

Also when we do see them, they will only talk about our siblings and their kids. This is especially hard on DD who feels she is often being compared to her cousins, often unfairly. For instance she will tell her grandparents that she had a special solo in her ballet recital, and they will ask no follow up questions or ask to see video of it or any of the things you might expect a grandparent to do. They will instead make a comment about how they prefer sports to dance, and then go on a 20 minute tangent about my nephew's baseball season. I love and am proud of my nephew, but this imbalance does not go unnoticed by my DD, who has stopped sharing details of her life with my parents because she realized they don't care.

PP with two friends with little kids here. This is what I was talking about. It’s very sad and unfair but it’s the truth. I can afford the favoritism because it’s my friends and not my kids, I would never do this to my adult kids (probably?) but I can see those reasons, sadly.
I see myself not visiting if my child in law is insufferable for example. So all I am saying is that there’s usually something that grandparents don’t like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of undercurrent here. Not the same but I have two friends with toddlers nearby (my own is a teen). One of them I like babysitting for because their house is clean, their kid is easygoing, and it’s their first and I approve having at least one kid.
The other friend has two older kids, is mentally unstable but decided to have a third despite having no family support. She has a dog so the house is chaotic and smelly. The kid is quite attached to her so it takes her a while to warm up to strangers. The one time I babysat the kid kept trying to get into older kids’ rooms (the doors were closed) instead of playing with me. I did try to engage her, I am good at it, but the older kids would pass through and she would run after them. The longest couple hours ever.

You sound mentally ill

Okay you can think that but then so are the grandparents in question. When you don’t approve someone’s lifestyle or they just aren’t fun for you to be around you don’t visit. Simple as that

This was in response to the person posting who babysat for a few kids, one of whom was young and apparently didn’t enjoy the experience and tried to go to her older siblings

I am that person. I responded again. What I was trying to say is: sometimes parents don’t approve of their kids’ lifestyle, or don’t like their partner, or don’t like the grandkids (it’s taboo to say it but there are more and less likeable kids out there). There are so many reasons why grandparents don’t really want to visit much.

Or they just don’t like any kids, period.

That can be the reason as well. But as someone who isn’t yet a grandparent but has a situation that is as close to grandparenting as possible (my kid is older and I like small kids and I like helping my friends) I can say that there are usually subtle issues involved.

Voluntarily babysitting someone else’s toddlers when you have teens isn’t really the same thing as grandparenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs are like this. The truth is that we are their least favorite children, they don't like where we live, they don't enjoy spending time with us, and they have minimal interest in our daughter. That's it. It's sad but it's the truth and it's only in the last couple years that DH and I have come to accept it and decided to, for instance, visit them less and just stop worrying about it. They just don't really want to see us. They haven't disowned us or anything, there was not falling out or specific reason for this. They are just indifferent.

Also when we do see them, they will only talk about our siblings and their kids. This is especially hard on DD who feels she is often being compared to her cousins, often unfairly. For instance she will tell her grandparents that she had a special solo in her ballet recital, and they will ask no follow up questions or ask to see video of it or any of the things you might expect a grandparent to do. They will instead make a comment about how they prefer sports to dance, and then go on a 20 minute tangent about my nephew's baseball season. I love and am proud of my nephew, but this imbalance does not go unnoticed by my DD, who has stopped sharing details of her life with my parents because she realized they don't care.

PP with two friends with little kids here. This is what I was talking about. It’s very sad and unfair but it’s the truth. I can afford the favoritism because it’s my friends and not my kids, I would never do this to my adult kids (probably?) but I can see those reasons, sadly.
I see myself not visiting if my child in law is insufferable for example. So all I am saying is that there’s usually something that grandparents don’t like.

“I babysit a friend’s kids and I have a teen so I am an expert on adult children and grandparenting.”

[Anonymous]

I live 10 minutes away. My mom will like to see us a few times a year for a show but we aren't a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of undercurrent here. Not the same but I have two friends with toddlers nearby (my own is a teen). One of them I like babysitting for because their house is clean, their kid is easygoing, and it’s their first and I approve having at least one kid.
The other friend has two older kids, is mentally unstable but decided to have a third despite having no family support. She has a dog so the house is chaotic and smelly. The kid is quite attached to her so it takes her a while to warm up to strangers. The one time I babysat the kid kept trying to get into older kids’ rooms (the doors were closed) instead of playing with me. I did try to engage her, I am good at it, but the older kids would pass through and she would run after them. The longest couple hours ever.

You sound mentally ill

Okay you can think that but then so are the grandparents in question. When you don’t approve someone’s lifestyle or they just aren’t fun for you to be around you don’t visit. Simple as that

This was in response to the person posting who babysat for a few kids, one of whom was young and apparently didn’t enjoy the experience and tried to go to her older siblings

I am that person. I responded again. What I was trying to say is: sometimes parents don’t approve of their kids’ lifestyle, or don’t like their partner, or don’t like the grandkids (it’s taboo to say it but there are more and less likeable kids out there). There are so many reasons why grandparents don’t really want to visit much.

Or they just don’t like any kids, period.

That can be the reason as well. But as someone who isn’t yet a grandparent but has a situation that is as close to grandparenting as possible (my kid is older and I like small kids and I like helping my friends) I can say that there are usually subtle issues involved.

Voluntarily babysitting someone else’s toddlers when you have teens isn’t really the same thing as grandparenting.

Okay how is it different? Honest question. There’s no obligation for grandparents to do anything, just like for me. Most grandparents want to spend time with their kids and grandkids but some don’t, and I listed the reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs are like this. The truth is that we are their least favorite children, they don't like where we live, they don't enjoy spending time with us, and they have minimal interest in our daughter. That's it. It's sad but it's the truth and it's only in the last couple years that DH and I have come to accept it and decided to, for instance, visit them less and just stop worrying about it. They just don't really want to see us. They haven't disowned us or anything, there was not falling out or specific reason for this. They are just indifferent.

Also when we do see them, they will only talk about our siblings and their kids. This is especially hard on DD who feels she is often being compared to her cousins, often unfairly. For instance she will tell her grandparents that she had a special solo in her ballet recital, and they will ask no follow up questions or ask to see video of it or any of the things you might expect a grandparent to do. They will instead make a comment about how they prefer sports to dance, and then go on a 20 minute tangent about my nephew's baseball season. I love and am proud of my nephew, but this imbalance does not go unnoticed by my DD, who has stopped sharing details of her life with my parents because she realized they don't care.

PP with two friends with little kids here. This is what I was talking about. It’s very sad and unfair but it’s the truth. I can afford the favoritism because it’s my friends and not my kids, I would never do this to my adult kids (probably?) but I can see those reasons, sadly.
I see myself not visiting if my child in law is insufferable for example. So all I am saying is that there’s usually something that grandparents don’t like.

“I babysit a friend’s kids and I have a teen so I am an expert on adult children and grandparenting.”

I never said I was an expert, you aren’t either, are you a grandparent?! I guess not.

[Anonymous]

Life definitely goes on. Can’t force anyone to grandparent.

[Anonymous]

LOL classic DCUM. There's another active thread where a selfish poster is complaining about the grandparents coming to her house for Christmas every year and she just wants to get rid of them. Here you have posters complaining that the grandparents don't want to be around.

You just can't win being a DCUM grandparent.

[Anonymous]

My mom was very close with my kids when they were babies. She loves babies. Once my youngest wasn’t a baby anymore she moved 500 miles away. I don’t really go there because I don’t like the area and it’s hard to get to and hard to travel with kids. When I’ve driven it takes 10 hours or so. She comes once a year. I will text and call and those go unanswered. She will group text all of us when she travels which is about 10x a year. She forgets my kids birthdays and doesn’t seem to have any interest in them at all. It’s sad. I was very close with both of my grandmothers when I was growing up.

[Anonymous]

My MIL comes once a year but only if we pay for her trip. She’s good about FaceTime though. FIL has only met our youngest 7-year old once, never even acknowledges their birthday. And we pay his mortgage. I never picked up the rope because the distinction was evident when we were dating, and DH just hasn’t maintained a great relationship with them for our kids.