Parents who have children and grandkids they never see

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Until fairly recently lots of people were pressured to have children they didn't really want.

My mom is not a "kids" person, is not physically affectionate, and is not into doing anything kids might enjoy or watching kids' activities, or any of that. She's mentioned this to me both when I was young and now that I have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Until fairly recently lots of people were pressured to have children they didn't really want.

My mom is not a "kids" person, is not physically affectionate, and is not into doing anything kids might enjoy or watching kids' activities, or any of that. She's mentioned this to me both when I was young and now that I have kids.

Do you consider her a good mom? Just curious. And are you upset that she is telling you this openly?

I am asking because I don’t always enjoy having my kid around, let alone dealing with his stuff but I never say this to him! Well I have joked once or twice “get ready, I can’t wait for you to leave the house” but I’d never say that seriously!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL classic DCUM. There's another active thread where a selfish poster is complaining about the grandparents coming to her house for Christmas every year and she just wants to get rid of them. Here you have posters complaining that the grandparents don't want to be around.

You just can't win being a DCUM grandparent.

Everyone loves a good natured, involved, helpful grandparent.
No one wants an aloof one, consuming the food and judging but little else.
That said, I can see the grandparent side. I can totally see myself not enjoying my kid’s family in certain circumstances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know anyone like this? I do and it’s so odd to me.

They live in different states and see each other once every year or two at most. Meanwhile the parent(s) travel regularly for pleasure, just not to see their kids and grandkids.

No Xmas no Thanksgiving birthdays summer vacations etc

My divorced ILs live within 30-45 minutes of our house. We have an 8-year-old and 1 year old. My FIL has been to 1 Saturday sports match (our son plays a sport every season) and has given 2 birthday gifts but never called on his birthday. My MIL has early onset dementia that is managed with medication (lucid and lives on her own) but she doesnt work or do anything all day every day. She has never called on their birthdays, never written cards, never asked her son to give our kids birthday gifts on her behalf, etc. They bring Christmas gifts but only if we host them. For example, if the kids were sick, they wouldnt try to make it up or send them anyways or drop them off. If they are not hosted on the day the kids don't get gifts, and the gifts are never age appropriate. They never brought anything over or offered help when we had our second kid. For our first, we got dollar store baby bottles and a 3 pack of onesies.

[Anonymous]

I know a few:

One is an alcoholic and pretty much can't focus on anything but the next drink.

One would sell body parts to see her grandkids and is constantly trying to make it happen, but for reasosn that are not clear, they almost never invite her. Very sad.

One is a huge narcissist and wants to see the daughter, but never the grandkids or son in law.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my family. I was born into this— multiple generations of people loving each other but not being close or involved. People go to college /military and then just sort of… move away. It’s not my wiring and it makes me sad. I tried for a long time to do more regular visits and outreach but then had to drop rhe rope when I had my kids and I need to model an involved home for them.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids. My mother never met the two youngest despite being 45 minutes away.

She was a bipolar narcissistic c u n t and died without knowing them.

Be good to your kids folks, or you will die alone in a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

I know so many families like this.

Luckily my family is not like that...yet. My parents live far away but they come visit us 2x a year and then we go visit them 1x around the holidays and then we all meet up (w my siblings and nieces/nephews too) 1x a year as well. So we see them on average 4x a year. BUT the visits are very uncomfortable and tense.

My mom really enjoys seeing the kids and me. My dad...does not. He will just sit there on his phone instead of engaging with us or even looking up from his phone when we try to talk to him. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years at this point and my parents know virtually nothing about my husband because they never ask him anything about himself/show no interest whatsoever in him. (and he's a very nice, friendly guy who asks them lots of questions and tries to engage them in conversation.) Truth is my parents don't really know me very well either because they have never shown any interest in me as an individual. They are terrible at making conversation or forming deep connections with people. They have no friends. They do not keep in touch with their own families (my mom has 3 living siblings who she never talks to or sees despite being on good terms; my dad has lots of living family members he never talks to or sees despite being on good terms/no falling out or official estrangement).

I think unfortunately in the future when travel becomes too difficult for them and/or if they have to move to assisted living and can no longer host us all at their house, the relationship will deteriorate even more. We have told them many times they should move closer to us so we can see them more and they can attend more of the kids' events (and we can help them out as they age). But they refuse to move. The place they live (my hometown) is not a good place to live. Bad job market, bad public schools, bad weather. The place we live is much better in all respects and they even agree with that when they visit they frequently talk about how nice it is where we live. Yet they still refuse to move even though they have plenty of money and are in decent health to do so right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, my parents are exactly like this. It's really sad and depressing for me.

There is no strained relationships, I think it's just that they aren't, and never really were, family-oriented people.

They retired very early (58) and decided to move clear across the country to California, to a town where they knew no one and had never been to before. They had absolutely no reason to move out there, no family out there, but they liked the idea of the California lifestyle and it was very different from the East-coast boring hometown I grew up in. I was okay with their move even though that same year DH and I bought a house and decided to settle in our current area (we've been here 20 years now). I was still okay with their move until my kids were born--I thought they would decide to move closer. But no. They were content being once a year grandparents. Meanwhile they traveled the world (multiple International trips per year) but still only saw us once a year. Keep in mind that they were retired, finances were not an issue, it's more that they weren't interested in being a part of our lives.

I asked them to move closer multiple times during those years, and they refused. Most recently, we had a discussion about it one year ago, when they started to slow down, but they still refused and they said they will never move. This really upset me because it is a 6 hour plane ride for me to come out there.

My kids are now 10 and 12 and they have seen their grandparents once a year on average. We usually go there over the summer. They have missed out on so much, but they don't seem to mind. They like how things are and have no plans to change it.

I do feel abandoned by them, and I have a lot of resentment towards them. Their refusal to move closer once the kids were born has caused our relationship to become strained. We're pleasant and polite, but distant.

I wish it were otherwise, but I have just accepted this is the way things are.

Well when they get sick and need help, they’re on their own

+1
People remember. I remember. I had a medically fragile newborn and desperately needed help and expressed so. But my parents were living their new life after just moving away and did not come. They traveleled extensively back then but could not make a trip despite my begging for help. I am very close with them now 20+ years later but as they decline I only help when I can. I will not drop everything to fly to them just as they didn't for me. It still hurts (obviously)