Parents who have children and grandkids they never see

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, my parents are exactly like this. It's really sad and depressing for me.

There is no strained relationships, I think it's just that they aren't, and never really were, family-oriented people.

They retired very early (58) and decided to move clear across the country to California, to a town where they knew no one and had never been to before. They had absolutely no reason to move out there, no family out there, but they liked the idea of the California lifestyle and it was very different from the East-coast boring hometown I grew up in. I was okay with their move even though that same year DH and I bought a house and decided to settle in our current area (we've been here 20 years now). I was still okay with their move until my kids were born--I thought they would decide to move closer. But no. They were content being once a year grandparents. Meanwhile they traveled the world (multiple International trips per year) but still only saw us once a year. Keep in mind that they were retired, finances were not an issue, it's more that they weren't interested in being a part of our lives.

I asked them to move closer multiple times during those years, and they refused. Most recently, we had a discussion about it one year ago, when they started to slow down, but they still refused and they said they will never move. This really upset me because it is a 6 hour plane ride for me to come out there.

My kids are now 10 and 12 and they have seen their grandparents once a year on average. We usually go there over the summer. They have missed out on so much, but they don't seem to mind. They like how things are and have no plans to change it.

I do feel abandoned by them, and I have a lot of resentment towards them. Their refusal to move closer once the kids were born has caused our relationship to become strained. We're pleasant and polite, but distant.

I wish it were otherwise, but I have just accepted this is the way things are.

Well when they get sick and need help, they’re on their own

[Anonymous]

Some families are dysfunctional and don’t think family is any different from neighbors or school friends. It runs in families but it is also contagious. I married into a family like that and it really strained relations with my own family because DH didn’t want to see them so often. I have friends where one spouse quashed the other spouse’s tight family connections. It’s really sad.

[Anonymous]

This is my mom. We make 100% of the effort to fly the kids to see her a couple times a year but she doesn't really engage much with them, it's stressful, and she just makes negative comments about my parenting.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do know and see people like this. You never know what goes on in someone’s family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my mom. We make 100% of the effort to fly the kids to see her a couple times a year but she doesn't really engage much with them, it's stressful, and she just makes negative comments about my parenting.

Translation my mom is not constantly churning out Instagram worthy performances for my spoiled and feral children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my mom. We make 100% of the effort to fly the kids to see her a couple times a year but she doesn't really engage much with them, it's stressful, and she just makes negative comments about my parenting.

Translation my mom is not constantly churning out Instagram worthy performances for my spoiled and feral children.

I wish it were just this. But my mom is just a mean, nasty person. She doesn’t criticize my kids’ behavior, she acts shocked they accomplished something despite having a dumb, loser, ugly mom like me. She has never been able to keep friends and has alienated her family because of her meanness and rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I will add my mom said I was a mistake and also never was a super involved parent to me, either, in many ways. I never did a single activity and she said on many occasions she didn’t really like kids.

[Anonymous]

Until fairly recently lots of people were pressured to have children they didn't really want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of undercurrent here. Not the same but I have two friends with toddlers nearby (my own is a teen). One of them I like babysitting for because their house is clean, their kid is easygoing, and it’s their first and I approve having at least one kid.
The other friend has two older kids, is mentally unstable but decided to have a third despite having no family support. She has a dog so the house is chaotic and smelly. The kid is quite attached to her so it takes her a while to warm up to strangers. The one time I babysat the kid kept trying to get into older kids’ rooms (the doors were closed) instead of playing with me. I did try to engage her, I am good at it, but the older kids would pass through and she would run after them. The longest couple hours ever.

You sound mentally ill

Okay you can think that but then so are the grandparents in question. When you don’t approve someone’s lifestyle or they just aren’t fun for you to be around you don’t visit. Simple as that

This was in response to the person posting who babysat for a few kids, one of whom was young and apparently didn’t enjoy the experience and tried to go to her older siblings

I am that person. I responded again. What I was trying to say is: sometimes parents don’t approve of their kids’ lifestyle, or don’t like their partner, or don’t like the grandkids (it’s taboo to say it but there are more and less likeable kids out there). There are so many reasons why grandparents don’t really want to visit much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Until fairly recently lots of people were pressured to have children they didn't really want.

Pp here. I think that was certainly it for my parents…I’m sure of it were today and they weren’t from conservative backgrounds they probably would not have had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some families are dysfunctional and don’t think family is any different from neighbors or school friends. It runs in families but it is also contagious. I married into a family like that and it really strained relations with my own family because DH didn’t want to see them so often. I have friends where one spouse quashed the other spouse’s tight family connections. It’s really sad.

Why couldn’t you just leave him home? I don’t understand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of undercurrent here. Not the same but I have two friends with toddlers nearby (my own is a teen). One of them I like babysitting for because their house is clean, their kid is easygoing, and it’s their first and I approve having at least one kid.
The other friend has two older kids, is mentally unstable but decided to have a third despite having no family support. She has a dog so the house is chaotic and smelly. The kid is quite attached to her so it takes her a while to warm up to strangers. The one time I babysat the kid kept trying to get into older kids’ rooms (the doors were closed) instead of playing with me. I did try to engage her, I am good at it, but the older kids would pass through and she would run after them. The longest couple hours ever.

You sound mentally ill

Okay you can think that but then so are the grandparents in question. When you don’t approve someone’s lifestyle or they just aren’t fun for you to be around you don’t visit. Simple as that

This was in response to the person posting who babysat for a few kids, one of whom was young and apparently didn’t enjoy the experience and tried to go to her older siblings

I am that person. I responded again. What I was trying to say is: sometimes parents don’t approve of their kids’ lifestyle, or don’t like their partner, or don’t like the grandkids (it’s taboo to say it but there are more and less likeable kids out there). There are so many reasons why grandparents don’t really want to visit much.

Or they just don’t like any kids, period.

[Anonymous]

My parents and ILs are like this. The truth is that we are their least favorite children, they don't like where we live, they don't enjoy spending time with us, and they have minimal interest in our daughter. That's it. It's sad but it's the truth and it's only in the last couple years that DH and I have come to accept it and decided to, for instance, visit them less and just stop worrying about it. They just don't really want to see us. They haven't disowned us or anything, there was not falling out or specific reason for this. They are just indifferent.

Also when we do see them, they will only talk about our siblings and their kids. This is especially hard on DD who feels she is often being compared to her cousins, often unfairly. For instance she will tell her grandparents that she had a special solo in her ballet recital, and they will ask no follow up questions or ask to see video of it or any of the things you might expect a grandparent to do. They will instead make a comment about how they prefer sports to dance, and then go on a 20 minute tangent about my nephew's baseball season. I love and am proud of my nephew, but this imbalance does not go unnoticed by my DD, who has stopped sharing details of her life with my parents because she realized they don't care.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a set of grandparents I saw at most, once a year. We couldn't afford to go to Florida where they lived, and they came to NY about once a year. They'd stay with my aunt for a few days (a week? I don't know) and come to our house for dinner - so we'd see them for about three hours. They never wanted to come see my bedroom, play any games with me, watch me put on a performance for them, play the piano for them, nothing. It didn't really bother me at all - that's just who they were.

It wasn't until I was in my early 20's when my grandfather died and we went to Florida and I jokingly said something like "So this is what their home looks like!" and my father pulled me aside to whisper the other cousins had been there before and already knew. It was only my sister and me who'd never been there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, my parents are exactly like this. It's really sad and depressing for me.

There is no strained relationships, I think it's just that they aren't, and never really were, family-oriented people.

They retired very early (58) and decided to move clear across the country to California, to a town where they knew no one and had never been to before. They had absolutely no reason to move out there, no family out there, but they liked the idea of the California lifestyle and it was very different from the East-coast boring hometown I grew up in. I was okay with their move even though that same year DH and I bought a house and decided to settle in our current area (we've been here 20 years now). I was still okay with their move until my kids were born--I thought they would decide to move closer. But no. They were content being once a year grandparents. Meanwhile they traveled the world (multiple International trips per year) but still only saw us once a year. Keep in mind that they were retired, finances were not an issue, it's more that they weren't interested in being a part of our lives.

I asked them to move closer multiple times during those years, and they refused. Most recently, we had a discussion about it one year ago, when they started to slow down, but they still refused and they said they will never move. This really upset me because it is a 6 hour plane ride for me to come out there.

My kids are now 10 and 12 and they have seen their grandparents once a year on average. We usually go there over the summer. They have missed out on so much, but they don't seem to mind. They like how things are and have no plans to change it.

I do feel abandoned by them, and I have a lot of resentment towards them. Their refusal to move closer once the kids were born has caused our relationship to become strained. We're pleasant and polite, but distant.

I wish it were otherwise, but I have just accepted this is the way things are.

Why didn't you move to California?

Why should she? Especially if the only tie to the area is parents who prioritize her. I wouldn't pick up and move across the country either.