My husband has been gone for 60 days and I'm realizing my marriage is bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always amazes me that posters will defend the husband on threads like this. I assume the defenders are men or women who thought OP was a SAHM. There is a lot of hate for SAHMs on this forum. Anyway, the guy hasn't planned a date in five years but has plenty of time for his buddies? OP, cut him loose now!

It seems kind of clear that this is who he is and who he as always been. No one on these threads made her marry him. If he was such a doofus she shouldn’t have had a child with him but she did and now she has to consider the ramifications of giving her child a broken home.

So to be clear, adults who get married and then have children, should be exactly as they were before marriage and children? Because this is the main problem with men, and their apologists, IMO. You get a different job, you shouldnt expect work #2 to be the same as work #1. You get married, you no longer are single and should not conduct yourself in the same manner as when you were single. You have kids, your time is no longer all yours. Your efforts, your time, your money, etc. is no longer able to be funneled entirely into yourself and your "hobbies".

It's a problem when half of the partnership is gone and its easier. That means they require more investment compared to what they give.
Also, LOTS of people wake up or get to work before 5am- my husband included, as a fed worker, no less. Lots of teachers get up at 4am to workout before their kids wakeup and have to be at school. Stop acting like getting up at 4am for work excuses him from participating in the household and day-to-day management.

Also, its clear that because of the responses to OP about how shes likely a SAHM or do you even have a job? mean that its apparent shes being treated like one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 months away, including over Thanksgiving? Sounds like he has a second family. Even if he doesn’t, he makes you unhappy. Life is too short to be in an unhappy marriage.

This.

[Anonymous]

You people who are suggesting divorce are insane. Op, you are in the hardest part of parenting and marriage. Give him some grace, and yourself too. Plan a date if you need one, even if it’s just drinking wine and putting on some music at home.


Divorce will not fix anything

[Anonymous]

It's very possible he wont give a f**k if you want a divorce. Be careful what you wish for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people who are suggesting divorce are insane. Op, you are in the hardest part of parenting and marriage. Give him some grace, and yourself too. Plan a date if you need one, even if it’s just drinking wine and putting on some music at home.


Divorce will not fix anything

+1



If the divorce isn't because of abuse or infidelity, there is a very real probability that you will regret it within a year. You'll enjoy the new found freedom and extra time until you realize that you will die alone. Despite the garbage that is tossed around here, not a single one of my divorced female friends in their 40s/50s found love again. Loveless is a sad way to go through life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, no. I work full time and am also in graduate school. I most recently worked two jobs to help with finances when he had a long layoff period.

Having a husband who wants to split the bills 50/50, but do ZERO housework, cleaning, or cooking and doesn’t give a sh*t about our marriage at all, isn’t exactly a prize. It’s a roommate.

First of all, you are spread too thin: you have a yound child, work full time and going to grad school. Also husband wanting to split the bills 50/50 sounds immature. I don't know you guys but it does not sound like a marriage, it's more like roommates. Maybe he's struggling too. You should make an exit plan because you have a young child involved. Figure out how you will support yourself and child. Then pull the plug when you are ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people who are suggesting divorce are insane. Op, you are in the hardest part of parenting and marriage. Give him some grace, and yourself too. Plan a date if you need one, even if it’s just drinking wine and putting on some music at home.


Divorce will not fix anything

+1



If the divorce isn't because of abuse or infidelity, there is a very real probability that you will regret it within a year. You'll enjoy the new found freedom and extra time until you realize that you will die alone. Despite the garbage that is tossed around here, not a single one of my divorced female friends in their 40s/50s found love again. Loveless is a sad way to go through life.

She already has a loveless marriage plus constant criticism. Where’s the partnership you’re suggesting g she’ll be missing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people who are suggesting divorce are insane. Op, you are in the hardest part of parenting and marriage. Give him some grace, and yourself too. Plan a date if you need one, even if it’s just drinking wine and putting on some music at home.


Divorce will not fix anything

+1



If the divorce isn't because of abuse or infidelity, there is a very real probability that you will regret it within a year. You'll enjoy the new found freedom and extra time until you realize that you will die alone. Despite the garbage that is tossed around here, not a single one of my divorced female friends in their 40s/50s found love again. Loveless is a sad way to go through life.

She already has a loveless marriage plus constant criticism. Where’s the partnership you’re suggesting g she’ll be missing?

But her example of his “constant critcism” is him asking her about a lightbulb. OP does not seem like a reliable narrator.

[Anonymous]

OP I think what you should do is just to consider yourself separated in your mind. Don't rely on him, find fun elsewhere (friends? books? hobbies?), and do anything you'd do if he wasn't there. Do a friendly "gray rock" of him. Don't do his laundry. This might fix a lot of your issues. It sounds like you wanted a best friend type of marriage and it didn't happen. So mourn the loss of that dream and work with the marriage you have- a partnership where you both pay bills 50% and occasionally he does some outside chores.

Or this type of gray rock will solidify your desire to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2 months away, including over Thanksgiving? Sounds like he has a second family. Even if he doesn’t, he makes you unhappy. Life is too short to be in an unhappy marriage.

This.

Or military? Or fed serving overseas? I know lots of feds who go on 2 month tours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people who are suggesting divorce are insane. Op, you are in the hardest part of parenting and marriage. Give him some grace, and yourself too. Plan a date if you need one, even if it’s just drinking wine and putting on some music at home.


Divorce will not fix anything

+1



If the divorce isn't because of abuse or infidelity, there is a very real probability that you will regret it within a year. You'll enjoy the new found freedom and extra time until you realize that you will die alone. Despite the garbage that is tossed around here, not a single one of my divorced female friends in their 40s/50s found love again. Loveless is a sad way to go through life.

She already has a loveless marriage plus constant criticism. Where’s the partnership you’re suggesting g she’ll be missing?

But her example of his “constant critcism” is him asking her about a lightbulb. OP does not seem like a reliable narrator.

I would find that critical too. What’s the neutral reason for asking your spouse about a burnt out lightbulb?

If you see that it’s out, change it. There is no reason to ask your spouse why they didn’t change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people who are suggesting divorce are insane. Op, you are in the hardest part of parenting and marriage. Give him some grace, and yourself too. Plan a date if you need one, even if it’s just drinking wine and putting on some music at home.


Divorce will not fix anything

+1



If the divorce isn't because of abuse or infidelity, there is a very real probability that you will regret it within a year. You'll enjoy the new found freedom and extra time until you realize that you will die alone. Despite the garbage that is tossed around here, not a single one of my divorced female friends in their 40s/50s found love again. Loveless is a sad way to go through life.

This!!

[Anonymous]

Op. This is almost all men. A few are better about certain things but worse in other ways. Unless you are fine being single the rest if your life, I’d work on yourself and be happy with what you have

[Anonymous]

Having kids and still wanting to split bills is weird to me. I know people do it. We threw all our money in the same pot right after marriage. JWROS everything.

If he wants to split bills, send him a bill for housekeeping and cooking. Value your time highly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband left for a two-month work trip and will be home in about 10 days. I am dreading his return and how much more work it is when he's home. When he's home, it's comparable to having two children instead of one.

I had to beg him to pay attention to me. Activities he did when I was 25, like sport hunting and fishing, I now find cruel. His affinity for drinking a six-pack on a Saturday or using nicotine patches grosses me out. He always finds time for his hunting and fishing buddies, but has not planned a single date in 5+ years since we've had our son. Before he left, we were in marriage counselling, where he was finding blame with me for everything. He would blame me if a lightbulb went out or a screw needed to be tightened - "Why didn't you tell me?"

He did not participate in cleaning or cooking. He said that because he did yardwork, had to get up at 4AM for work, and had a long commute, he's too tired. He would fall asleep when reading to our son to bed, and our son would still be awake.

Now that he's gone, there's no arguing. I don't have to ask for permission for things. I am doing less laundry and can do all the yardwork, which he claims is equal to me doing all the cooking and cleaning. The one very positive thing about him is that he is an absolute rockstar when our son is sick; he will get in, help with everything, and take time off work. But I don't know if that's worse than feeling second best to his fishing buddies or his constant criticism of me.

If this isn't a sign, I don't know what is. I hate that I had to take him to marriage counselling to ask him to be nice to me. He never does anything thoughtful or surprising; he complains that I "don't like surprises", and I don't think he cares for me too much either.

It's very sad to realize this is just the end of my marriage and my sole support system.

You sound like a handful OP. Either fix yourself, or expect him to drop out of the marriage.