My husband has been gone for 60 days and I'm realizing my marriage is bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, no. I work full time and am also in graduate school. I most recently worked two jobs to help with finances when he had a long layoff period.

Having a husband who wants to split the bills 50/50, but do ZERO housework, cleaning, or cooking and doesn’t give a sh*t about our marriage at all, isn’t exactly a prize. It’s a roommate.

Oh, that's most of them. Why did you marry him? Did he always want to split 50/50 even when you just started dating? I always tell don't date men if they set it as standard: these are future "labor diggers" who only value monetary contributions and will disregard everything the wife invests in the family. Huge waste of time and the time drag on women career when kids arrive

[Anonymous]

I’ve always enjoyed long breaks from my husband when he travels but eventually I do miss him.

That’s what’s alarming to me here- two months and you didn’t miss him? That’s a huge alarm bell about the state of your marriage and you are right to be asking yourself these questions.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, op, he sounds like most men. Unless he is constantly criticizing you and being a Johnny Depp-level narcissist that gaslights you, then ditch him.

[Anonymous]

Divorce
Hope you work outside of the home.

[Anonymous]

No marriage or man is perfect.
Recite your vows again to yourself. And then have some honest conversations with him and go to a good pro marriage therapist.

If you pursue divorce, this is likely what will happen.
He will move out, quickly find another woman, devote all his time any attention to her, become the every other weekend, fun dad with few rules. He will fight to keep at least 50% of the marital assets.
Then you will truly be left to raise your child on your own with half the money and half the income. And you will be stuck for years in a contentious coparenting routine. It sucks. Are you really ready for this?

[Anonymous]

2 months away, including over Thanksgiving? Sounds like he has a second family. Even if he doesn’t, he makes you unhappy. Life is too short to be in an unhappy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he at least has an 11 hour work day.

Where did you get 11 hr from? OP didn't say.

[Anonymous]

Surely someone who goes on a 60day work trip gets paid enough to hire help at home?

[Anonymous]

You can divorce him. You only have one life. I would rather be alone than be in an unhappy and lonley marriage.

[Anonymous]

“I had to beg him to pay attention to me. Activities he did when I was 25, like sport hunting and fishing, I now find cruel. His affinity for drinking a six-pack on a Saturday or using nicotine patches grosses me out. He always finds time for his hunting and fishing buddies, but has not planned a single date in 5+ years since we've had our son.”

Question- why is his hobby “cruel” to you? Wasn’t he doing these hobbies when you got married? Did you think he would drop his passions for you? Is that a fair expectation?

Do you have a hobby of your own? Do you have things that you can go and do on your own and leave him with the house and kid, or do you expect him to be your entertainment?

Do you plan fun date nights or things you can do together? Why do you need “surprises” from him? It doesn’t sound like he’s ever been into that.

And if you do his laundry but he doesn’t help in the home and you’ve protested, then stop doing his laundry. Stop doing things for him if he doesn’t listen to you or help.

It’s not reasonable to ask someone to change who they are after marriage. Frankly you don’t sound very reasonable and if he is your only support system, leaving the marriage would be a big mistake.

A two month work trip also sounds extreme. Does he travel often for hobbies and work? Are you sure nothing else is going on?

[Anonymous]

You just essentially experienced a trial separation and the trial went well. You know the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, he sounds like most men. Unless he is constantly criticizing you and being a Johnny Depp-level narcissist that gaslights you, then ditch him.

Not most men at all. This is not to make OP feel bad but to validate the feelings she feels. He’s making selfish choices. Many men are upstanding husbands and fathers, willing to put in 100 percent to my 100 percent- my husband is. Just validating OP that she doesn’t deserve feeling that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, he sounds like most men. Unless he is constantly criticizing you and being a Johnny Depp-level narcissist that gaslights you, then ditch him.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, he sounds like most men. Unless he is constantly criticizing you and being a Johnny Depp-level narcissist that gaslights you, then ditch him.

NP. It’s not most men. I would never tell my daughter to expect that cr*p in a marriage, or tell her it’s normal behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, he sounds like most men. Unless he is constantly criticizing you and being a Johnny Depp-level narcissist that gaslights you, then ditch him.

Not most men at all. This is not to make OP feel bad but to validate the feelings she feels. He’s making selfish choices. Many men are upstanding husbands and fathers, willing to put in 100 percent to my 100 percent- my husband is. Just validating OP that she doesn’t deserve feeling that way.

Read op’s post carefully. Her husband appears to have hobbies and appears to have always had these hobbies. She married him knowing about his hobbies and habits and it doesn’t look like he’s changed a lot- but she had a kid with him anyway.

Her example of DH criticizing her is him asking her “Why didn’t you tell me?” About a broken lightbulb. And he doesn’t do date night.

When you are in a bad relationship, you have examples at the forefront of your mind of terrible behavior. Not “why didn’t you tell me” about a broken lightbulb.

On the other hand he’s been gone for awhile and she’s fine with that, so maybe it is time to separate. Plus it appears their finances are separate too.