My husband has been gone for 60 days and I'm realizing my marriage is bad.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your husband didn’t transition into married life. I’m sorry.
Husbands (or wives) should not be spending most of their “free” time with friends and hobbies. Family first.
Not at work time (nights and weekends for most) with little kids means you take them to the park to play, sit on the floor and build legos with them, you teach them how to ride a bike… not go get drunk while fishing with buddies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband left for a two-month work trip and will be home in about 10 days. I am dreading his return and how much more work it is when he's home. When he's home, it's comparable to having two children instead of one.

I had to beg him to pay attention to me. Activities he did when I was 25, like sport hunting and fishing, I now find cruel. His affinity for drinking a six-pack on a Saturday or using nicotine patches grosses me out. He always finds time for his hunting and fishing buddies, but has not planned a single date in 5+ years since we've had our son. Before he left, we were in marriage counselling, where he was finding blame with me for everything. He would blame me if a lightbulb went out or a screw needed to be tightened - "Why didn't you tell me?"

He did not participate in cleaning or cooking. He said that because he did yardwork, had to get up at 4AM for work, and had a long commute, he's too tired. He would fall asleep when reading to our son to bed, and our son would still be awake.

Now that he's gone, there's no arguing. I don't have to ask for permission for things. I am doing less laundry and can do all the yardwork, which he claims is equal to me doing all the cooking and cleaning. The one very positive thing about him is that he is an absolute rockstar when our son is sick; he will get in, help with everything, and take time off work. But I don't know if that's worse than feeling second best to his fishing buddies or his constant criticism of me.

If this isn't a sign, I don't know what is. I hate that I had to take him to marriage counselling to ask him to be nice to me. He never does anything thoughtful or surprising; he complains that I "don't like surprises", and I don't think he cares for me too much either.

It's very sad to realize this is just the end of my marriage and my sole support system.

You sound like a handful OP. Either fix yourself, or expect him to drop out of the marriage.

How is OP a handful? She isn’t asking him to do anything except not make her life more difficult

[Anonymous]

Divorce Ma’am.
Both of you seem exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully your DH can fix his work hours because 4 am sounds brutal. Have an honest and constructive conversation once he is home and rested from his trip. The grass isn’t always greener.

[Anonymous]

Op, how is your sex life? You need to give him more oral sex and then see how he would be jumping to do the chores. It's not that difficult and it is your way of showing appreciation and he will show it in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband left for a two-month work trip and will be home in about 10 days. I am dreading his return and how much more work it is when he's home. When he's home, it's comparable to having two children instead of one.

I had to beg him to pay attention to me. Activities he did when I was 25, like sport hunting and fishing, I now find cruel. His affinity for drinking a six-pack on a Saturday or using nicotine patches grosses me out. He always finds time for his hunting and fishing buddies, but has not planned a single date in 5+ years since we've had our son. Before he left, we were in marriage counselling, where he was finding blame with me for everything. He would blame me if a lightbulb went out or a screw needed to be tightened - "Why didn't you tell me?"

He did not participate in cleaning or cooking. He said that because he did yardwork, had to get up at 4AM for work, and had a long commute, he's too tired. He would fall asleep when reading to our son to bed, and our son would still be awake.

Now that he's gone, there's no arguing. I don't have to ask for permission for things. I am doing less laundry and can do all the yardwork, which he claims is equal to me doing all the cooking and cleaning. The one very positive thing about him is that he is an absolute rockstar when our son is sick; he will get in, help with everything, and take time off work. But I don't know if that's worse than feeling second best to his fishing buddies or his constant criticism of me.

If this isn't a sign, I don't know what is. I hate that I had to take him to marriage counselling to ask him to be nice to me. He never does anything thoughtful or surprising; he complains that I "don't like surprises", and I don't think he cares for me too much either.

It's very sad to realize this is just the end of my marriage and my sole support system.

So you’re married to a typical heterosexual male. What’s the question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband didn’t transition into married life. I’m sorry.
Husbands (or wives) should not be spending most of their “free” time with friends and hobbies. Family first.
Not at work time (nights and weekends for most) with little kids means you take them to the park to play, sit on the floor and build legos with them, you teach them how to ride a bike… not go get drunk while fishing with buddies.

This was my marriage too. He went out every morning for workouts and coffees with friends, every evening for happy hours, lots of concerts and galas, filled the weekend with his fishing and biking, did at least 20 nights' worth of guys' trips each year.

I wish I'd realized how unfair and ridiculous that all was. I mean, I did to a certain extent, and I would negotiate little things for myself, but just the sheer imbalance could not be corrected by me asking for two hours of his time every week.

Then he left and OMG THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER FOR ME. I'm chronically ill and can't work, and I think I just didn't know how to navigate a life without his support. Well I still have his financial support -- I have lifetime alimony, plus half of our assets, some of which generate income. But I don't have to deal with any of his bullshit. It's unbelievable how much of a drain he was on my limited energy and resources.

Anyway, I couldn't see it clearly, through the fear of the unknown. But now I do, and I can't believe what a terrible partner he was. We negotiated that I would have the kids 57% of the time, so he only has to parent for 43%, and he just can't do it. He never has groceries, the dog pees and poops in his house and he doesn't notice, he's constantly gone at social events and then complaining to me that he's just a glorified uber driver (it's called having teenagers). Meanwhile, my house is clean, my laundry is done, and I have time for ME and MY social life!

I actually think he believed I was the reason he didn't have time for everything he wanted to do and why he wasn't happy (and, of course, he had an affair too). Well his life doesn't look any better from this angle. He has less money and less time. I'm saving a hefty sum each month and having the time of my life.

I read a line in a book about someone's daughter saying to her mom, "I don't want to be a wife. I want to be an ex-wife." And I was like, yeah, I feel that.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are dealing with all of this right now.

But it does sound like you are much happier ➕ that life is a whole lot easier w/o him in your daily life.

Since you two share a child together >> will you both continue the marriage counseling when your husband returns??

If not - - it seems that in order to be fully happy it will be best for you to get a divorce.
However if your husband is the family breadwinner this may not be easy re: your future.

Perhaps you can speak w/a divorce attorney.

Wishing you the best. 😃

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband didn’t transition into married life. I’m sorry.
Husbands (or wives) should not be spending most of their “free” time with friends and hobbies. Family first.
Not at work time (nights and weekends for most) with little kids means you take them to the park to play, sit on the floor and build legos with them, you teach them how to ride a bike… not go get drunk while fishing with buddies.

This was my marriage too. He went out every morning for workouts and coffees with friends, every evening for happy hours, lots of concerts and galas, filled the weekend with his fishing and biking, did at least 20 nights' worth of guys' trips each year.

I wish I'd realized how unfair and ridiculous that all was. I mean, I did to a certain extent, and I would negotiate little things for myself, but just the sheer imbalance could not be corrected by me asking for two hours of his time every week.

Then he left and OMG THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER FOR ME. I'm chronically ill and can't work, and I think I just didn't know how to navigate a life without his support. Well I still have his financial support -- I have lifetime alimony, plus half of our assets, some of which generate income. But I don't have to deal with any of his bullshit. It's unbelievable how much of a drain he was on my limited energy and resources.

Anyway, I couldn't see it clearly, through the fear of the unknown. But now I do, and I can't believe what a terrible partner he was. We negotiated that I would have the kids 57% of the time, so he only has to parent for 43%, and he just can't do it. He never has groceries, the dog pees and poops in his house and he doesn't notice, he's constantly gone at social events and then complaining to me that he's just a glorified uber driver (it's called having teenagers). Meanwhile, my house is clean, my laundry is done, and I have time for ME and MY social life!

I actually think he believed I was the reason he didn't have time for everything he wanted to do and why he wasn't happy (and, of course, he had an affair too). Well his life doesn't look any better from this angle. He has less money and less time. I'm saving a hefty sum each month and having the time of my life.

I read a line in a book about someone's daughter saying to her mom, "I don't want to be a wife. I want to be an ex-wife." And I was like, yeah, I feel that.

Wow, your poor husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband didn’t transition into married life. I’m sorry.
Husbands (or wives) should not be spending most of their “free” time with friends and hobbies. Family first.
Not at work time (nights and weekends for most) with little kids means you take them to the park to play, sit on the floor and build legos with them, you teach them how to ride a bike… not go get drunk while fishing with buddies.

This was my marriage too. He went out every morning for workouts and coffees with friends, every evening for happy hours, lots of concerts and galas, filled the weekend with his fishing and biking, did at least 20 nights' worth of guys' trips each year.

I wish I'd realized how unfair and ridiculous that all was. I mean, I did to a certain extent, and I would negotiate little things for myself, but just the sheer imbalance could not be corrected by me asking for two hours of his time every week.

Then he left and OMG THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER FOR ME. I'm chronically ill and can't work, and I think I just didn't know how to navigate a life without his support. Well I still have his financial support -- I have lifetime alimony, plus half of our assets, some of which generate income. But I don't have to deal with any of his bullshit. It's unbelievable how much of a drain he was on my limited energy and resources.

Anyway, I couldn't see it clearly, through the fear of the unknown. But now I do, and I can't believe what a terrible partner he was. We negotiated that I would have the kids 57% of the time, so he only has to parent for 43%, and he just can't do it. He never has groceries, the dog pees and poops in his house and he doesn't notice, he's constantly gone at social events and then complaining to me that he's just a glorified uber driver (it's called having teenagers). Meanwhile, my house is clean, my laundry is done, and I have time for ME and MY social life!

I actually think he believed I was the reason he didn't have time for everything he wanted to do and why he wasn't happy (and, of course, he had an affair too). Well his life doesn't look any better from this angle. He has less money and less time. I'm saving a hefty sum each month and having the time of my life.

I read a line in a book about someone's daughter saying to her mom, "I don't want to be a wife. I want to be an ex-wife." And I was like, yeah, I feel that.

Yeah..Yeah. Your x-husband was just cheating on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband didn’t transition into married life. I’m sorry.
Husbands (or wives) should not be spending most of their “free” time with friends and hobbies. Family first.
Not at work time (nights and weekends for most) with little kids means you take them to the park to play, sit on the floor and build legos with them, you teach them how to ride a bike… not go get drunk while fishing with buddies.

This was my marriage too. He went out every morning for workouts and coffees with friends, every evening for happy hours, lots of concerts and galas, filled the weekend with his fishing and biking, did at least 20 nights' worth of guys' trips each year.

I wish I'd realized how unfair and ridiculous that all was. I mean, I did to a certain extent, and I would negotiate little things for myself, but just the sheer imbalance could not be corrected by me asking for two hours of his time every week.

Then he left and OMG THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER FOR ME. I'm chronically ill and can't work, and I think I just didn't know how to navigate a life without his support. Well I still have his financial support -- I have lifetime alimony, plus half of our assets, some of which generate income. But I don't have to deal with any of his bullshit. It's unbelievable how much of a drain he was on my limited energy and resources.

Anyway, I couldn't see it clearly, through the fear of the unknown. But now I do, and I can't believe what a terrible partner he was. We negotiated that I would have the kids 57% of the time, so he only has to parent for 43%, and he just can't do it. He never has groceries, the dog pees and poops in his house and he doesn't notice, he's constantly gone at social events and then complaining to me that he's just a glorified uber driver (it's called having teenagers). Meanwhile, my house is clean, my laundry is done, and I have time for ME and MY social life!

I actually think he believed I was the reason he didn't have time for everything he wanted to do and why he wasn't happy (and, of course, he had an affair too). Well his life doesn't look any better from this angle. He has less money and less time. I'm saving a hefty sum each month and having the time of my life.

I read a line in a book about someone's daughter saying to her mom, "I don't want to be a wife. I want to be an ex-wife." And I was like, yeah, I feel that.

Women who share custody feel refreshed after a divorce because they just got a bunch of free time they never had.

Men feel bogged down post-divorce because they spend a lot more solo time with their kids than before.

Frankly, I feel like most marriages would be in much better places if they got adequate Me Time or Us Time without the kids. Parenting is a massive time suck. The exhilarating feeling many women have post-divorce is either (1) lots of new free time to focus on themselves, (2) less emotional exhaustion by removing the conflict from the household, or (3) some combination of (1) and (2).

Few men lead better lives post-divorce.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the kids whose mothers can’t wait to divorce to send them off to their exes through shared custody.

[Anonymous]

^^ That’s the problem, no one puts the kids first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m very sorry OP. You seem like a nice person.
You’ll be ok.

Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ That’s the problem, no one puts the kids first.

Of course, if the woman stays in the marriage until the kids are out of the house and does her best to make a happy home for her children to grow up in, she is still painted as the villain who blindsided her husband.