How would you handle a family member incapable of understanding that your feelings differ from theirs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who projects her feelings onto others. I have seen this trait in her for years and have mostly distanced myself and ignored it. For instance, when her dad died, she took it extremely hard, so she assumed I was feeling the same when my dad passed. I wasn't. I loved my dad, but I have experienced death enough to know how to manage emotions, grieve, and move on. However, she can't accept that as normal. She sends scriptures, "thinking of you" messages on his birthday and death anniversary, and makes assumptions despite my telling her how I feel.

I am furloughed, and she sent a grocery gift card saying," I sent this because I know you will say you are okay, even when you aren't." It annoyed me more than anything, because I am financially and otherwise okay. She could have benefited a charity with her giving rather than me. I promptly donated it.

On the surface, her ways seem loving. However, I don't think they come from a place of goodwill; more like wanting to see/find something wrong. I am very limited with what I share with most people, so her actions come across as prying to see what will stick.

Should I continue ignoring her, or once again tell her I am fine? I am a strong, self-reliant person, and this seems to bother her.

You forgot to mention you are selfish. She is doing these things for her own mental health. Let her!! It might be the best gift you give her - feeling needed. You don’t have to tell her anything personal or divulge your personal life. You simply say “your kind words are so thoughtful”, “I received your basket. Thank you for thinking of me”. Is it so hard to be gracious- no - in fact, it’s really easy.

[Anonymous]

Read the book, The Let Them Theory. The answer lies within.

[Anonymous]

I don't give anything to drama llamas. I'm polite but I do not play. They get no drama from me. Nothing. When these types of people realize that you aren't going to pick up the ball and play, they go find somebody else to bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't give anything to drama llamas. I'm polite but I do not play. They get no drama from me. Nothing. When these types of people realize that you aren't going to pick up the ball and play, they go find somebody else to bother.

I don't think OP understands you're talking about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn't need to be close to anyone she doesn't want to. She doesn't need to feign closeness because they are "family" (different if they were a spouse or Op's child)

But she doesn't get to portray them as bad either. Not when they are doing something (expressing concern, giving a gift) something that is within the realm of ordinary behavior. It's not what you want, Op? Too bad. You accept the gesture with grace.

But reveal anything to them? You don't have to do that any more than you want to

But it IS bad of the relative to ignore OP's stated preferences! So I don't see why she can't say that. You're telling OP to erase her feelings in favor of the relative's who already disregard OP's feelings, plus you're essentially telling OP to be fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has said "boundaries" about 20x in this thread. There is no infraction of "boundaries" here, OP just doesn't like this person and wants an excuse to respond to their outreach with rudeness.

Yes, the OP doesn't quite understand boundaries. Boundaries aren't about making other people abide by your rules. Boundaries are about YOUR RESPONSE to other's behavior (walking away, ending a conversation, hanging up the phone, etc). Thinking other people need to follow your rules will set you up to be constantly irritated.

You can't control other people's behaviors. You can only control your own actions.

Therapy 101.

This, as well as performing basic manners and politeness (saying thank you to gifts!) even when you don't understand the reasoning behind them will make your path through life so much smoother.

I agree boundaries are about what you will do, but that seems a bit beside the point when OP has asked not to be reminded of the death. Why is she then being criticized for not saying thank you but the relative is excused for doing something OP asked her not to do?

Even if OP is managing grief poorly, why can't she be left alone to do that as requested? Why do people feel the need to save people from themselves? This is a thing I will never understand.

Also she did walk away from the unwanted party and is being criticized for that. Is it only okay if she'd specified in advance "if you throw a surprise party, I'll leave?" Being told to pretend you want something you've said you don't want feels like Ignoring Feelings 101, which doesn't seem good either.

The party was at work, not with this relative. And while I think turning around and walking out was extreme that was a definitely a situation where a boundary was crossed.

The relative situation seems different. OP didn't say they don't want to be reminded of their parents death, they said they have seen enough death to know how to process, grieve, and move on. Which, in and of itself is kind of insulting to the relative.

They don't like this relative and find them over the top. I think that's OP's issue, not the relative's.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry you are getting such extreme responses from people. It is a boundary issue. She obviously does not know you that well, even if she is family and she is making assumptions. Sending a card when your dad passes is what would be appropriate. Otherwise she is making assumptions and I do think it's about her own needs.

Someone suggested a thank you note. I would not reinforce it that way because she will just keeping doing this. I would be polite, but very distant. If keeps trying to send bible verses just ignore it. You don't do things like that unless you know the person well enough to know they would appreciate it.

Even immediate family sometimes don't know their own clan. I was shocked at how little my husband's mother and siblings knew or understood him. He was parentified young and they just projected whatever they wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry you are getting such extreme responses from people. It is a boundary issue. She obviously does not know you that well, even if she is family and she is making assumptions. Sending a card when your dad passes is what would be appropriate. Otherwise she is making assumptions and I do think it's about her own needs.

Someone suggested a thank you note. I would not reinforce it that way because she will just keeping doing this. I would be polite, but very distant. If keeps trying to send bible verses just ignore it. You don't do things like that unless you know the person well enough to know they would appreciate it.

Even immediate family sometimes don't know their own clan. I was shocked at how little my husband's mother and siblings knew or understood him. He was parentified young and they just projected whatever they wanted.

OP didn't say she set boundaries with the family member, only the colleague. She said she ignores her. OP, do you want any relationship with this family member? You seem very suspect of her intentions, so it sounds like no. You set a boundary by saying, "Larla, I'm fine and don't like it when you comment that I miss my dad or that I'm having a tough time because I'm not. I'd rather talk about sports or tv shows with you, unless I say otherwise."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, here, and these are all thoughtful responses. Thank you.

I do think deep down she means well, but not being heard bugs me. It's like she's hearing what she wants regardless of what I say, and that's not a relationship. That's you making yourself feel better.

Years ago, I had a supervisor who insisted on throwing me a going-away party even after I repeatedly said I did not want one. She "surprised" me with one anyway, and I surprised her by walking out. In her world, I was the bad guy. The party was for her to feel good, not me.

I deeply dislike boundary-challenged people.

OP...you are MESSED UP. Your friend is nice and normal and trying to be kind. You are cold and weird.

Sending an unsolicited grocery gift card to anyone, let alone someone you don’t know is in dire financial straits, is what’s weird. And rude. DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who projects her feelings onto others. I have seen this trait in her for years and have mostly distanced myself and ignored it. For instance, when her dad died, she took it extremely hard, so she assumed I was feeling the same when my dad passed. I wasn't. I loved my dad, but I have experienced death enough to know how to manage emotions, grieve, and move on. However, she can't accept that as normal. She sends scriptures, "thinking of you" messages on his birthday and death anniversary, and makes assumptions despite my telling her how I feel.

I am furloughed, and she sent a grocery gift card saying," I sent this because I know you will say you are okay, even when you aren't." It annoyed me more than anything, because I am financially and otherwise okay. She could have benefited a charity with her giving rather than me. I promptly donated it.

On the surface, her ways seem loving. However, I don't think they come from a place of goodwill; more like wanting to see/find something wrong. I am very limited with what I share with most people, so her actions come across as prying to see what will stick.

Should I continue ignoring her, or once again tell her I am fine? I am a strong, self-reliant person, and this seems to bother her.

You forgot to mention you are selfish. She is doing these things for her own mental health. Let her!! It might be the best gift you give her - feeling needed. You don’t have to tell her anything personal or divulge your personal life. You simply say “your kind words are so thoughtful”, “I received your basket. Thank you for thinking of me”. Is it so hard to be gracious- no - in fact, it’s really easy.

This is a profoundly stupid take. Truly. I’m almost impressed.

(not OP)

[Anonymous]

Ironically OP is the one who can’t understand that others react to things differently.