How would you handle a family member incapable of understanding that your feelings differ from theirs?

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who projects her feelings onto others. I have seen this trait in her for years and have mostly distanced myself and ignored it. For instance, when her dad died, she took it extremely hard, so she assumed I was feeling the same when my dad passed. I wasn't. I loved my dad, but I have experienced death enough to know how to manage emotions, grieve, and move on. However, she can't accept that as normal. She sends scriptures, "thinking of you" messages on his birthday and death anniversary, and makes assumptions despite my telling her how I feel.

I am furloughed, and she sent a grocery gift card saying," I sent this because I know you will say you are okay, even when you aren't." It annoyed me more than anything, because I am financially and otherwise okay. She could have benefited a charity with her giving rather than me. I promptly donated it.

On the surface, her ways seem loving. However, I don't think they come from a place of goodwill; more like wanting to see/find something wrong. I am very limited with what I share with most people, so her actions come across as prying to see what will stick.

Should I continue ignoring her, or once again tell her I am fine? I am a strong, self-reliant person, and this seems to bother her.

[Anonymous]

Ignore don’t waste your time on this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who projects her feelings onto others. I have seen this trait in her for years and have mostly distanced myself and ignored it. For instance, when her dad died, she took it extremely hard, so she assumed I was feeling the same when my dad passed. I wasn't. I loved my dad, but I have experienced death enough to know how to manage emotions, grieve, and move on. However, she can't accept that as normal. She sends scriptures, "thinking of you" messages on his birthday and death anniversary, and makes assumptions despite my telling her how I feel.

I am furloughed, and she sent a grocery gift card saying," I sent this because I know you will say you are okay, even when you aren't." It annoyed me more than anything, because I am financially and otherwise okay. She could have benefited a charity with her giving rather than me. I promptly donated it.

On the surface, her ways seem loving. However, I don't think they come from a place of goodwill; more like wanting to see/find something wrong. I am very limited with what I share with most people, so her actions come across as prying to see what will stick.

Should I continue ignoring her, or once again tell her I am fine? I am a strong, self-reliant person, and this seems to bother her.

Look in the mirror.

[Anonymous]

You sound like my mom. If anyone reaches out to her with any kindness, she sees it as an intrusion or judgment.

“Thank you! I appreciate that you’re thinking of me. Thankfully we have savings so we aren’t struggling right now. I will use this gift card when we are all together for Thanksgiving.”

And the grieving thing is not fair. Nobody can read your mind (especially because you’re limited in what you share with them), so feeling angry that she is sending you cards on his birthday because you’re not upset is a you problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mom. If anyone reaches out to her with any kindness, she sees it as an intrusion or judgment.

“Thank you! I appreciate that you’re thinking of me. Thankfully we have savings so we aren’t struggling right now. I will use this gift card when we are all together for Thanksgiving.”

And the grieving thing is not fair. Nobody can read your mind (especially because you’re limited in what you share with them), so feeling angry that she is sending you cards on his birthday because you’re not upset is a you problem.

I understand this. I don't invade other people's space, so I guess that's my issue. If I say I am fine, leave it/me alone. Doing otherwise reeks of you not respecting my boundaries and doing what makes YOU feel better. That's not goodwill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mom. If anyone reaches out to her with any kindness, she sees it as an intrusion or judgment.

“Thank you! I appreciate that you’re thinking of me. Thankfully we have savings so we aren’t struggling right now. I will use this gift card when we are all together for Thanksgiving.”

And the grieving thing is not fair. Nobody can read your mind (especially because you’re limited in what you share with them), so feeling angry that she is sending you cards on his birthday because you’re not upset is a you problem.

I understand this. I don't invade other people's space, so I guess that's my issue. If I say I am fine, leave it/me alone. Doing otherwise reeks of you not respecting my boundaries and doing what makes YOU feel better. That's not goodwill.

I agree! I would respond thank you for thinking us! We are indeed financially fine so I donated the gift card for others in need.

[Anonymous]

I’m high HHI and would be thrilled for a grocery card or someone actually thinking of me. I guess you could interpret her card negatively, but “the okay” could mean emotionally and not financially.

Do you deny your feelings, i.e. is she correct?

If she really bugs you, you can tell her to leave you alone. These situations are hard because in many ways you just can’t win. One friend will take umbrage because you did, while one friend will take umbrage that you didn’t.

[Anonymous]

I’m pp and I wonder if that’s just a love language for her. You obvs know her best. I have a friend who always gave me gifts. I sort of resisted, but it’s her love language. I like her, so I started giving her gifts, and I know she appreciates it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mom. If anyone reaches out to her with any kindness, she sees it as an intrusion or judgment.

“Thank you! I appreciate that you’re thinking of me. Thankfully we have savings so we aren’t struggling right now. I will use this gift card when we are all together for Thanksgiving.”

And the grieving thing is not fair. Nobody can read your mind (especially because you’re limited in what you share with them), so feeling angry that she is sending you cards on his birthday because you’re not upset is a you problem.

I understand this. I don't invade other people's space, so I guess that's my issue. If I say I am fine, leave it/me alone. Doing otherwise reeks of you not respecting my boundaries and doing what makes YOU feel better. That's not goodwill.

Honestly, I think that language for setting a boundary is not universally used or understood. Now, because YOU think "I am fine" established a boundary, from your perspective you are justified in feeling they are crossing it.

But a lot of people say "I'm fine" but aren't, don't want to be a burden, don't intend it as a literal and hard and fast boundary closing the topic. So a lot of people don't take it as a boundary. Does that make any sense?

So I think you need to use more words. Like, I have processed x's passing and have closure. I appreciate that you want to comfort me but it would be much more helpful if you stopped sending remembrances on their birth and death dates. Thank you for understanding. Then that's clearer.

[Anonymous]

I know the type you mean. You just have to let it roll of your back. In the end, it's not harming anyone. It makes her feel better about herself and it doesn't sound like she's particularly pushy about anything. Send a thank you to the gift card. Don't respond to the scriptures.

[Anonymous]

Op, here, and these are all thoughtful responses. Thank you.

I do think deep down she means well, but not being heard bugs me. It's like she's hearing what she wants regardless of what I say, and that's not a relationship. That's you making yourself feel better.

Years ago, I had a supervisor who insisted on throwing me a going-away party even after I repeatedly said I did not want one. She "surprised" me with one anyway, and I surprised her by walking out. In her world, I was the bad guy. The party was for her to feel good, not me.

I deeply dislike boundary-challenged people.

[Anonymous]

Should I continue ignoring her, or once again tell her I am fine?

In the near term: you write her a Thank You Note. Saying nothing more.
In the long term: how do you act with a neighbor or someone you don't know well? Act the same. You do not "reveal" feelings. You don't reveal person information. That wouldn't be appropriate. You do not consider yourself close to the person --- SO do not share. But also do not to assign ill intent to this person. Why are you focused on them at all? Framing them as a bad person. Don't. Be cordial, pleasant, limit conversations/visits. You don't ignore.

[Anonymous]

Spare yourself - Ignor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, here, and these are all thoughtful responses. Thank you.

I do think deep down she means well, but not being heard bugs me. It's like she's hearing what she wants regardless of what I say, and that's not a relationship. That's you making yourself feel better.

Years ago, I had a supervisor who insisted on throwing me a going-away party even after I repeatedly said I did not want one. She "surprised" me with one anyway, and I surprised her by walking out. In her world, I was the bad guy. The party was for her to feel good, not me.

I deeply dislike boundary-challenged people.

Do you have a problem acceptances kindnesses generally, or accepting gifts?

Sometimes you just say "thank you" and don't let it bother you. I tell this to my kids when people give them gifts they don't like -- you say thank you so that the giver feels recognized. That's it. It's good manners.

We actually can't control gifts that are given to us. That's why they are gifts.

[Anonymous]

That was thoughtful. Just say thank you for thinking of me and move on. Why the drama?