How would you handle a family member incapable of understanding that your feelings differ from theirs?

[Anonymous]

Op, you over think way too much for someone who purports to not care -- about whatever it is you gets you so incensed.

Stick to basic manners. Learn those. Sounds like that will be a needed improvement. Then, surely, there are more important things to occupy your time than to seek hidden motives, deeper meaning, etc in ordinary life interactions.

[Anonymous]

OP are you okay with being furloughed? What would be the appropriate response in your mind?

[Anonymous]

This is my sister, to a T.

Everything she does is about her, but she masks it as care and concern. It's like a form of love-bombing in a way.

I ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Grocery gift card is fine as a one-time measure, but sending messages on dead loved ones birthdays and anniversaries is a bit too much in my opinion. I certainly would not like that at all. I know the people -- no matter what you say, they do whatever they want anyway. I have found out that ignoring (the ones I have to interact with) or blocking (the ones I don't) works. I also think it's a control issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m pp and I wonder if that’s just a love language for her. You obvs know her best. I have a friend who always gave me gifts. I sort of resisted, but it’s her love language. I like her, so I started giving her gifts, and I know she appreciates it.

I think it's this. My cousin is the same. She sends me presents and I'm like WHY are you doing this? But I reciprocate and she is thrilled. I'm just glad I'm not married to her.

[Anonymous]

"I have experienced death enough to know how to manage emotions, grieve, and move on."

Sounds like you have an avoidant attachment type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who projects her feelings onto others. I have seen this trait in her for years and have mostly distanced myself and ignored it. For instance, when her dad died, she took it extremely hard, so she assumed I was feeling the same when my dad passed. I wasn't. I loved my dad, but I have experienced death enough to know how to manage emotions, grieve, and move on. However, she can't accept that as normal. She sends scriptures, "thinking of you" messages on his birthday and death anniversary, and makes assumptions despite my telling her how I feel.

I am furloughed, and she sent a grocery gift card saying," I sent this because I know you will say you are okay, even when you aren't." It annoyed me more than anything, because I am financially and otherwise okay. She could have benefited a charity with her giving rather than me. I promptly donated it.

On the surface, her ways seem loving. However, I don't think they come from a place of goodwill; more like wanting to see/find something wrong. I am very limited with what I share with most people, so her actions come across as prying to see what will stick.

Should I continue ignoring her, or once again tell her I am fine? I am a strong, self-reliant person, and this seems to bother her.

Oh, the irony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mom. If anyone reaches out to her with any kindness, she sees it as an intrusion or judgment.

“Thank you! I appreciate that you’re thinking of me. Thankfully we have savings so we aren’t struggling right now. I will use this gift card when we are all together for Thanksgiving.”

And the grieving thing is not fair. Nobody can read your mind (especially because you’re limited in what you share with them), so feeling angry that she is sending you cards on his birthday because you’re not upset is a you problem.

I understand this. I don't invade other people's space, so I guess that's my issue. If I say I am fine, leave it/me alone. Doing otherwise reeks of you not respecting my boundaries and doing what makes YOU feel better. That's not goodwill.

Telling someone you are thinking of them on an anniversary, and giving gifts to people who are experiencing hard things aren't respecting the fact that they said they were fine. It's not invading other people's space either.

I would say that someone who is so fragile that they are upset by someone telling them "I'm thinking of you" is not actually handling the death well.

[Anonymous]

This would not bother me, I'd spend her money say thanks and keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, here, and these are all thoughtful responses. Thank you.

I do think deep down she means well, but not being heard bugs me. It's like she's hearing what she wants regardless of what I say, and that's not a relationship. That's you making yourself feel better.

Years ago, I had a supervisor who insisted on throwing me a going-away party even after I repeatedly said I did not want one. She "surprised" me with one anyway, and I surprised her by walking out. In her world, I was the bad guy. The party was for her to feel good, not me.

I deeply dislike boundary-challenged people.

OP...you are MESSED UP. Your friend is nice and normal and trying to be kind. You are cold and weird.

[Anonymous]

It probably rankles because she’s not respecting what you’ve conveyed many times. Meaning, her behavior makes her feel good, not you.

Still—try to embrace the pivot, OP. Have several iterations of “I’m doing well. Thank you for thinking of me. How are you?” at the ready. You don’t need to offer more than that, and if your relative continues to say or imply she knows you’re “not fine” when you are, give yourself permission to quietly distance yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, here, and these are all thoughtful responses. Thank you.

I do think deep down she means well, but not being heard bugs me. It's like she's hearing what she wants regardless of what I say, and that's not a relationship. That's you making yourself feel better.

Years ago, I had a supervisor who insisted on throwing me a going-away party even after I repeatedly said I did not want one. She "surprised" me with one anyway, and I surprised her by walking out. In her world, I was the bad guy. The party was for her to feel good, not me.

I deeply dislike boundary-challenged people.

OP...you are MESSED UP. Your friend is nice and normal and trying to be kind. You are cold and weird.

I was trying to be fair and understand OP's position but this response to the party is evidence it's not worth bothering. OP, you are the one who has serious issues. It's not about boundaries, it's about having empathy, compassion and understanding of others. You don't seem like you have any of those qualities. It's all about you and what you want or don't want - to hell with everyone else.

[Anonymous]

.
I was trying to be fair and understand OP's position but this response to the party is evidence it's not worth bothering. OP, you are the one who has serious issues. It's not about boundaries, it's about having empathy, compassion and understanding of others. You don't seem like you have any of those qualities. It's all about you and what you want or don't want - to hell with everyone else.

Agree. The walking away from a surprise party is a clear indication of emotional disregulation. Lots of people don’t want parties thrown in their honor, and it’s normal to be annoyed when your request to not have one isn’t honored. But to walk away? What are you, 12 years old? Grow up. Sometimes adults just have to deal with temporary discomfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:.

I was trying to be fair and understand OP's position but this response to the party is evidence it's not worth bothering. OP, you are the one who has serious issues. It's not about boundaries, it's about having empathy, compassion and understanding of others. You don't seem like you have any of those qualities. It's all about you and what you want or don't want - to hell with everyone else.

Agree. The walking away from a surprise party is a clear indication of emotional disregulation. Lots of people don’t want parties thrown in their honor, and it’s normal to be annoyed when your request to not have one isn’t honored. But to walk away? What are you, 12 years old? Grow up. Sometimes adults just have to deal with temporary discomfort.

Op here, this particular supervisor was a lousy manager. A lot employees left because of her poor leadership. She threw the party to save face. It was about her not me. When employees leave back-to-back, it reflects poorly on the manager.

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness I’ll take a grocery gift card even if it came with a message of pity. Like give me grocery money!