How would you handle a family member incapable of understanding that your feelings differ from theirs?

[Anonymous]

I think you should acknowledge that when you avoid sharing your feelings, this is what you get: well-intended people making assumptions.

She IS well-intended, even though you experience it as a ghoulish attraction to your misfortune.

It's YOU who doesn't get that humans are on average much more social than you, and will therefore fill any void in communication with various interpretations of their own.

So it's a you problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should acknowledge that when you avoid sharing your feelings, this is what you get: well-intended people making assumptions.

She IS well-intended, even though you experience it as a ghoulish attraction to your misfortune.

It's YOU who doesn't get that humans are on average much more social than you, and will therefore fill any void in communication with various interpretations of their own.

So it's a you problem.

She is not well intended. She is self centered trying to make herself feel good. I would ignore her op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should acknowledge that when you avoid sharing your feelings, this is what you get: well-intended people making assumptions.

She IS well-intended, even though you experience it as a ghoulish attraction to your misfortune.

It's YOU who doesn't get that humans are on average much more social than you, and will therefore fill any void in communication with various interpretations of their own.

So it's a you problem.

Op here, parts of what you state make a lot of sense and are accurate. I am a private person, and private people evoke curiosity.

The part you could have left out is about humans being social and the implication that those who aren't aren't human. Many of us are introverts who prefer working through our feelings alone and in private. Assuming there is something wrong with us is a YOU problem. Extroverts and their pushiness can be obnoxious, which is why introverts draw boundaries. If I say leave me alone, that includes writing messages in the sky. Don't.

Learn to respect boundaries, and if the person later accuses you of not caring, remind them that they asked you to respect boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who projects her feelings onto others. I have seen this trait in her for years and have mostly distanced myself and ignored it. For instance, when her dad died, she took it extremely hard, so she assumed I was feeling the same when my dad passed. I wasn't. I loved my dad, but I have experienced death enough to know how to manage emotions, grieve, and move on. However, she can't accept that as normal. She sends scriptures, "thinking of you" messages on his birthday and death anniversary, and makes assumptions despite my telling her how I feel.

I am furloughed, and she sent a grocery gift card saying," I sent this because I know you will say you are okay, even when you aren't." It annoyed me more than anything, because I am financially and otherwise okay. She could have benefited a charity with her giving rather than me. I promptly donated it.

On the surface, her ways seem loving. However, I don't think they come from a place of goodwill; more like wanting to see/find something wrong. I am very limited with what I share with most people, so her actions come across as prying to see what will stick.

Should I continue ignoring her, or once again tell her I am fine? I am a strong, self-reliant person, and this seems to bother her.

She sounds thoughtful and kind. Maybe re-examine why you can't just accept her kindness without becoming oddly resentful about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should acknowledge that when you avoid sharing your feelings, this is what you get: well-intended people making assumptions.

She IS well-intended, even though you experience it as a ghoulish attraction to your misfortune.

It's YOU who doesn't get that humans are on average much more social than you, and will therefore fill any void in communication with various interpretations of their own.

So it's a you problem.

Op here, parts of what you state make a lot of sense and are accurate. I am a private person, and private people evoke curiosity.

The part you could have left out is about humans being social and the implication that those who aren't aren't human. Many of us are introverts who prefer working through our feelings alone and in private. Assuming there is something wrong with us is a YOU problem. Extroverts and their pushiness can be obnoxious, which is why introverts draw boundaries. If I say leave me alone, that includes writing messages in the sky. Don't.

Learn to respect boundaries, and if the person later accuses you of not caring, remind them that they asked you to respect boundaries.

PP you replied to. I AM an introvert. My entire family are introverts. Some are asocial people on the autism spectrum. I know what I'm talking about and I stand by everything I said (instead of the words you put into my mouth - I never said introverts were less than human). So before getting all prickly and accusing me of being like your relative, maybe accept the message without shooting the messenger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should acknowledge that when you avoid sharing your feelings, this is what you get: well-intended people making assumptions.

She IS well-intended, even though you experience it as a ghoulish attraction to your misfortune.

It's YOU who doesn't get that humans are on average much more social than you, and will therefore fill any void in communication with various interpretations of their own.

So it's a you problem.

Op here, parts of what you state make a lot of sense and are accurate. I am a private person, and private people evoke curiosity.

The part you could have left out is about humans being social and the implication that those who aren't aren't human. Many of us are introverts who prefer working through our feelings alone and in private. Assuming there is something wrong with us is a YOU problem. Extroverts and their pushiness can be obnoxious, which is why introverts draw boundaries. If I say leave me alone, that includes writing messages in the sky. Don't.

Learn to respect boundaries, and if the person later accuses you of not caring, remind them that they asked you to respect boundaries.

I’m an introvert and I wish all the annoying people in my life would give me gift cards since they’re gonna be annoying anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Should I continue ignoring her, or once again tell her I am fine?

In the near term: you write her a Thank You Note. Saying nothing more.
In the long term: how do you act with a neighbor or someone you don't know well? Act the same. You do not "reveal" feelings. You don't reveal person information. That wouldn't be appropriate. You do not consider yourself close to the person --- SO do not share. But also do not to assign ill intent to this person. Why are you focused on them at all? Framing them as a bad person. Don't. Be cordial, pleasant, limit conversations/visits. You don't ignore.

You must be kidding PP, OP clearly does not show her feelings with this family member, and possibly not with anyone. Putting up more walls isn't the answer for her.

[Anonymous]

You sound pretentious, arrogant, and horrible.

[Anonymous]

OP has said "boundaries" about 20x in this thread. There is no infraction of "boundaries" here, OP just doesn't like this person and wants an excuse to respond to their outreach with rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has said "boundaries" about 20x in this thread. There is no infraction of "boundaries" here, OP just doesn't like this person and wants an excuse to respond to their outreach with rudeness.

Yes, the OP doesn't quite understand boundaries. Boundaries aren't about making other people abide by your rules. Boundaries are about YOUR RESPONSE to other's behavior (walking away, ending a conversation, hanging up the phone, etc). Thinking other people need to follow your rules will set you up to be constantly irritated.

You can't control other people's behaviors. You can only control your own actions.

Therapy 101.

This, as well as performing basic manners and politeness (saying thank you to gifts!) even when you don't understand the reasoning behind them will make your path through life so much smoother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has said "boundaries" about 20x in this thread. There is no infraction of "boundaries" here, OP just doesn't like this person and wants an excuse to respond to their outreach with rudeness.

Yes, the OP doesn't quite understand boundaries. Boundaries aren't about making other people abide by your rules. Boundaries are about YOUR RESPONSE to other's behavior (walking away, ending a conversation, hanging up the phone, etc). Thinking other people need to follow your rules will set you up to be constantly irritated.

You can't control other people's behaviors. You can only control your own actions.

Therapy 101.

This, as well as performing basic manners and politeness (saying thank you to gifts!) even when you don't understand the reasoning behind them will make your path through life so much smoother.

I agree boundaries are about what you will do, but that seems a bit beside the point when OP has asked not to be reminded of the death. Why is she then being criticized for not saying thank you but the relative is excused for doing something OP asked her not to do?

Even if OP is managing grief poorly, why can't she be left alone to do that as requested? Why do people feel the need to save people from themselves? This is a thing I will never understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has said "boundaries" about 20x in this thread. There is no infraction of "boundaries" here, OP just doesn't like this person and wants an excuse to respond to their outreach with rudeness.

Yes, the OP doesn't quite understand boundaries. Boundaries aren't about making other people abide by your rules. Boundaries are about YOUR RESPONSE to other's behavior (walking away, ending a conversation, hanging up the phone, etc). Thinking other people need to follow your rules will set you up to be constantly irritated.

You can't control other people's behaviors. You can only control your own actions.

Therapy 101.

This, as well as performing basic manners and politeness (saying thank you to gifts!) even when you don't understand the reasoning behind them will make your path through life so much smoother.

I agree boundaries are about what you will do, but that seems a bit beside the point when OP has asked not to be reminded of the death. Why is she then being criticized for not saying thank you but the relative is excused for doing something OP asked her not to do?

Even if OP is managing grief poorly, why can't she be left alone to do that as requested? Why do people feel the need to save people from themselves? This is a thing I will never understand.

Also she did walk away from the unwanted party and is being criticized for that. Is it only okay if she'd specified in advance "if you throw a surprise party, I'll leave?" Being told to pretend you want something you've said you don't want feels like Ignoring Feelings 101, which doesn't seem good either.

[Anonymous]

The OP is fine. Everybody doesn't have to take whatever another wants or if they don't, they're asocial. I'm an introvert and I HATE when others push and push. If I told someone that I don't want something, I mean it. I shouldn't have to throw a cake in your face for you to get it, you know?! Stay in your lane. To me it seems that those pushy people are asocial, because not only don't they understand cues, they don't even HEAR what they're told. As for the OP, return the gift card and block the messages. There is always some way to make someone "get it", and unfortunately some will not stop until you've made it impossible for them to continue.

[Anonymous]

I suppose on your dad’s next birthday you need to be more blunt, “I’m done grieving for my dad and will think about him on my own timeline so please don’t reach out on his birthday to let me know you’re thinking about either of us, Jan, since I find it upsetting.”

[Anonymous]

OP doesn't need to be close to anyone she doesn't want to. She doesn't need to feign closeness because they are "family" (different if they were a spouse or Op's child)

But she doesn't get to portray them as bad either. Not when they are doing something (expressing concern, giving a gift) something that is within the realm of ordinary behavior. It's not what you want, Op? Too bad. You accept the gesture with grace.

But reveal anything to them? You don't have to do that any more than you want to