Who is the narcissist in this scenario?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is Joan and how old is Brenda?

Joan should get legal advice about the title, her interest in the house and what each of their legal rights are in this situation. She may also have a case for elder abuse against Brenda and should see an elder law attorney or contact the office on aging in her area. Brenda should be concerned about that.

It would probably be best if they completely separated their households. Living together has brought out the worst in each of them.

Joan is near 80 but has been disabled and needing special care for her health issues for most of Brenda’s adult life. Brenda has taken on that role, even though Joan has siblings and other children. No one else has stepped up. And Brenda put the entire family on notice that she no longer wants that role. Joan probably wouldn’t still be alive if it hadn’t been for Brenda and the many many times they have cared for her through every surgery, injury, or health complication that lead to a hospital visit. Brenda is resentful Joan has not taken responsibility for her own physical and mental health and has put that burden on Brenda and her family.

I don’t think there’s abuse from either Joan or Brenda. I agree that they are in a bad living situation but I think they are both trapped financially, until Joan passes.

Joan was taken off the title because Brenda and her husband took on all of the new mortgage. But yes, it seems she claims some ownership to the house since she paid the first mortgage, pre-addition, mostly in full over 12 years.

From what you wrote in this post, it appears there is psychological and financial abuse:
https://www.justice.gov/elderjustice/psychological-abuse

[Anonymous]

Brenda and her husband paid for the 2nd story addition, so she's not mooching off mom.

But she certainly did. You said Brenda had horrible credit, therefore it’s safe to assume she wouldn’t have had the capital on hand to make a down payment on a home, and either wouldn’t have been able to get a mortgage, or get a mortgage with a favorable rate.

She has a home because of a purchase Joan made, was paying for, and ultimately gifted to Brenda. That includes a down payment, the monthly payments toward the mortgage, and any gains from improvements in the housing market in their area.

The entirely of the mistake here was Joan trusting it would work out well to give up her home and its ownership to help Brenda. And I’d bet money it was Brenda’s idea.

And your symptom list isn’t really descriptive enough to warrant a personality disorder diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Brenda sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

Brenda will never come back here, bcs she is a victim of dcum... as all narc are always victims of everyone.

[Anonymous]

Brenda is a user.
Joan sought enmeshment and/or was emotionally needy. Joan created Brenda the user.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brenda sounds terrible.

Brenda is broke, has sloppy or nonexistant birth control, disregards Joan, and when disable Joan needs more assistance, Brenda nopes out. Brenda just wanted a free house and no responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Brenda and her husband paid for the 2nd story addition, so she's not mooching off mom.

But she certainly did. You said Brenda had horrible credit, therefore it’s safe to assume she wouldn’t have had the capital on hand to make a down payment on a home, and either wouldn’t have been able to get a mortgage, or get a mortgage with a favorable rate.

She has a home because of a purchase Joan made, was paying for, and ultimately gifted to Brenda. That includes a down payment, the monthly payments toward the mortgage, and any gains from improvements in the housing market in their area.

The entirely of the mistake here was Joan trusting it would work out well to give up her home and its ownership to help Brenda. And I’d bet money it was Brenda’s idea.

And your symptom list isn’t really descriptive enough to warrant a personality disorder diagnosis.

You're forgetting that Brenda and her family has basically taken on the burden of taking care of her mom for well over 15 years. And as she aged, Joan has become increasingly difficult. If Brenda didn't live with her mom, they would BOTH have been in a worse financial position. Joan would have had to move into a nursing home and use her house equity to pay for it, and maybe would have run out of money by now. And Brenda would have likely stayed in a rental longer until she could save up enough for a home.

[Anonymous]

Brenda is wrong and she needs to move and sfop.takong advantage of her elderly mom. Seems like a bad financial choice to add a 2nd floor to someone else's home.

This is a mess and was a horrible idea to begin with. Anyone with sense could predict how things would turn out before hand.

[Anonymous]

Brenda is a selfish entitled disrespectful witch

[Anonymous]

Brenda’s kids will see her bad example and disrespect of Grandma, and do the same to Brenda someday.
Respect and care for your elders

[Anonymous]

Brendas siblings didn't get a house while having bad credit ai they don't see why she shouldn't be the one to be the primary caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like another cultural problem. This is why multi family households is not part of the American dream.

What did Brendan and her adult siblings discuss about Joan’s last 10-20 years of life care? Maybe they can pitch in or all outsource care or driving or whatever if it’s too much for Brenda to be sandwiched with (her life, kids, work plus Ma).
Meanwhile Brenda can’t just be the fair weathered adult kid, who’s happy when getting discounted housing for 5, 10, 15+ years and now doesn’t want to help Ma who gave her the discounted housing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Brenda and her husband paid for the 2nd story addition, so she's not mooching off mom.

But she certainly did. You said Brenda had horrible credit, therefore it’s safe to assume she wouldn’t have had the capital on hand to make a down payment on a home, and either wouldn’t have been able to get a mortgage, or get a mortgage with a favorable rate.

She has a home because of a purchase Joan made, was paying for, and ultimately gifted to Brenda. That includes a down payment, the monthly payments toward the mortgage, and any gains from improvements in the housing market in their area.

The entirely of the mistake here was Joan trusting it would work out well to give up her home and its ownership to help Brenda. And I’d bet money it was Brenda’s idea.

And your symptom list isn’t really descriptive enough to warrant a personality disorder diagnosis.

You're forgetting that Brenda and her family has basically taken on the burden of taking care of her mom for well over 15 years. And as she aged, Joan has become increasingly difficult. If Brenda didn't live with her mom, they would BOTH have been in a worse financial position. Joan would have had to move into a nursing home and use her house equity to pay for it, and maybe would have run out of money by now. And Brenda would have likely stayed in a rental longer until she could save up enough for a home.

Everyone needs to grow up. Retirees and their adult children need to re-evaluate things every 5-7 years or more once old age kids in.

Family meeting!

[Anonymous]

Where’s the old father? Dead?

[Anonymous]

Neither is a narcissist.

Family meeting!