Who is the narcissist in this scenario?

[Anonymous]

'Brenda' gets married and needs a house. Brenda and her mom 'Joan' talk and decide that instead of buying a new home, she and her husband can build a 2nd story addition to Joan's house, and they can all live under one roof. Joan lives through a bit of a nightmarish year long renovation, while she remains living in the house. Brenda and her husband move in to the 2nd story. They have multiple children. They build more to make room for their growing family. They share the first floor kitchen, dining room, enclosed patio, and yard. They host many large parties at the house. Joan helps with hosting parties, but is not very social, and tends to get stressed out by the social events. They both fight over control over hosting duties. Whenever Brenda's friends come over, she often instructs them to ignore Joan and characterizes her as a grumpy troll.

Joan is aging and has increasing health issues, and Brenda gets resentful as the designated caregiver, and says she has been tricked by her mom into sharing a house. Brenda is often the default family member who takes care of Joan when she is incapacitated or ends up in the hospital, and she and her family often help her out with things she can't physically manage. After many years, Brenda decides Joan is a narcissist and cuts her off, by ignoring her and letting family and friends know that she is no longer going to be the designated caregiver. Joan gets very upset by this. Family holiday gatherings get very awkward, since they mostly avoid talking to each other. Brenda tells her kids not to talk to Joan or do things for her anymore, because she doesn't want them to be "used".

Joan confronts her mom for ignoring her. Brenda blames Joan for not being a good conversationalist. Brenda is fed up with her mom and openly wishes to her friends that her mom would die. Both Joan and Brenda claim they need to walk on eggshells with each other, and they both claim the other flips out and gets angry. Joan feels Brenda has turned everyone against her and feels alone. Brenda feels Joan has brought it on herself. She starts confronting her for all her bad behaviors (things like asking her teen to pick her up from somewhere, or getting upset at a party, or moving one of her yard decor items without asking) and is resentful that she cannot apologize and take accountability for her bad behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Nobody

[Anonymous]

Sounds like another cultural problem. This is why multi family households is not part of the American dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like another cultural problem. This is why multi family households is not part of the American dream.

+1

Literally how could anyone have thought that would be a good situation? They’re both stupid and brought it on themselves. Just wait until it comes time to read the will…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like another cultural problem. This is why multi family households is not part of the American dream.

+1

Literally how could anyone have thought that would be a good situation? They’re both stupid and brought it on themselves. Just wait until it comes time to read the will…

Yeah, I think it is more a product of the situation, rather than "narcissism"

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine telling any of my friends I want my mom to die. I would recoil if a friend told me that. Think it all you want, but wow. Especially if Brenda “needed” the house.

I think you confused the names at end.

[Anonymous]

I do not see anything there that is narcissistic- just a bad situation sharing a house. Why can’t they sell the house - get mom a retirement place and the daughter and family get their own place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine telling any of my friends I want my mom to die. I would recoil if a friend told me that. Think it all you want, but wow. Especially if Brenda “needed” the house.

I think you confused the names at end.

Well, Brenda wants her to die so that she can sell the house and move out and be free of the house and her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not see anything there that is narcissistic- just a bad situation sharing a house. Why can’t they sell the house - get mom a retirement place and the daughter and family get their own place?

That's not a bad idea. But I think that maybe they wouldn't be able to afford to both get a retirement place AND a new home for Brenda's family from the sale of the house.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read, but the answer to that question is always “both.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not see anything there that is narcissistic- just a bad situation sharing a house. Why can’t they sell the house - get mom a retirement place and the daughter and family get their own place?

That's not a bad idea. But I think that maybe they wouldn't be able to afford to both get a retirement place AND a new home for Brenda's family from the sale of the house.

So maybe Brenda's family can pony up and buy their own house for their family or contribute to what they need instead of mooching off mom who she'd rather see dead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not see anything there that is narcissistic- just a bad situation sharing a house. Why can’t they sell the house - get mom a retirement place and the daughter and family get their own place?

That's not a bad idea. But I think that maybe they wouldn't be able to afford to both get a retirement place AND a new home for Brenda's family from the sale of the house.

So maybe Brenda's family can pony up and buy their own house for their family or contribute to what they need instead of mooching off mom who she'd rather see dead?

Brenda and her husband paid for the 2nd story addition, so she's not mooching off mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not see anything there that is narcissistic- just a bad situation sharing a house. Why can’t they sell the house - get mom a retirement place and the daughter and family get their own place?

That's not a bad idea. But I think that maybe they wouldn't be able to afford to both get a retirement place AND a new home for Brenda's family from the sale of the house.

So maybe Brenda's family can pony up and buy their own house for their family or contribute to what they need instead of mooching off mom who she'd rather see dead?

Brenda and her husband paid for the 2nd story addition, so she's not mooching off mom.

A 2nd story addition to what? Mom's house. That's right. Brenda should grow up and get her own house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not see anything there that is narcissistic- just a bad situation sharing a house. Why can’t they sell the house - get mom a retirement place and the daughter and family get their own place?

That's not a bad idea. But I think that maybe they wouldn't be able to afford to both get a retirement place AND a new home for Brenda's family from the sale of the house.

So maybe Brenda's family can pony up and buy their own house for their family or contribute to what they need instead of mooching off mom who she'd rather see dead?

Brenda and her husband paid for the 2nd story addition, so she's not mooching off mom.

Then let everyone stick to the part that is only theirs. Mom gets: first floor kitchen, dining room, enclosed patio, and yard.
Brenda gets what, some bedrooms?

[Anonymous]

Who paid for all the additions?
Who is on the deed? Mortgages?
Brenda is a taker who now doesn't want to give.