Teen burdened by younger sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I knew she was upset. I thought she was old enough to just say so, and she has. But I get it, she’s still undeveloped like him. It will be fine as we continue to work with him, and over and time. His therapy is amazing and I can see that he’s on a path to “grow out” of it. Before, before we had therapy, he was on a path to grow up with it.

Your older kid is more concerned with their here and now and what attention and work they get from parents than in what you expect over time and as you continue to work with younger kid. Younger kid is center of household. Center of everything.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Are you freaking serious? You think one nice weekend makes up for the chaos and concessions that come with living with an explosive sibling?
Out of curiosity what type of punishment does your explosive child get?

For 110% clarity, you didn’t answer m my original Q. The purpose in sharing her otherwise good weekend is that it’s not “attention-seeking.” The child has positive attention. It’s a sort of typical weekend to talk and spend time together and to have friends around.

Aside from attention, what do you think it was? Please answer my question bc that gives me understanding.

She doesn’t want one good weekend you’ve been “talking about for months” she wants consistent, positive attention that doesn’t get disrupted and explained away because sibling has adhd

Find where I said we’ve been talking about a nice weekend for months. We do this almost every weekend
The expensive equipment purchase was done this weekend. Something we have been searching/shopping for for months.
I’m saying, this child is not short of attention.

So bearing this in mind, is it just dumb sinking stuff for the tongue sticking out? I can accept it.

But it got the adhd child riled up after effort to bring him down. It was upsetting. Is it just pure anger at him? Not thinking?

Older child feels you prioritize younger child.

Do you mean pure anger your older child? Because it sounds like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

They could want to do something "disruptive" and get the slack the other kid gets. They may feel only conditionally accepted/loved.

This. Your other kid behaves badly and is catered to. Not your older kid, she has to act like an adult.

To be clear, I think she's retaliating against *you*, the parent, by undoing your work and making life difficult, because she resents that you're making her accommodate so much.

[Anonymous]

I had this dynamic growing up. It was infuriating and as a result, I don't have much of a relationship with my mom. My dad was much better at not making me feel invisible or like I had to just accept everything my sibling did. And my mom didn't see that my sibling was also very manipulative. They were smart enough to know my mom excused their behavior and they got away with a ton under the guise of "they can't help it. You need to be more understanding". And then, if I did something my mom didn't like, even small, I got punished. My sibling was once so disruptive we had to leave a restaurant on my birthday and my mom got mad at me for being upset.

My parents eventually divorced once my sibling and I were out of the house because the dynamic created in our house destroyed their marriage. It was moms way and no one could tell her otherwise. I also don't have much of a relationship with my sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this dynamic growing up. It was infuriating and as a result, I don't have much of a relationship with my mom. My dad was much better at not making me feel invisible or like I had to just accept everything my sibling did. And my mom didn't see that my sibling was also very manipulative. They were smart enough to know my mom excused their behavior and they got away with a ton under the guise of "they can't help it. You need to be more understanding". And then, if I did something my mom didn't like, even small, I got punished. My sibling was once so disruptive we had to leave a restaurant on my birthday and my mom got mad at me for being upset.

My parents eventually divorced once my sibling and I were out of the house because the dynamic created in our house destroyed their marriage. It was moms way and no one could tell her otherwise. I also don't have much of a relationship with my sibling.

Sorry PP. Did your sibling “grow out of it”?

[Anonymous]

Even if the sibling does improve or grow out of it, it's not going to change the fact that OP's daughter is having a stressful adolescence and is held to expectations that are not age-appropriate. That will affect the parent-child relationship forever.

[Anonymous]

I had a problem stepsiblings who had various behavior issues, brushes with the law, and an alcohol problem. My dad and his mom worried so much and it basically dominated family life for 5-6 years. Nobody was allowed to say aloud how they were affected by the behaviors. Nobody was allowed to say "alcoholic"-- you had to say "sad about his girlfriend leaving him". Nobody was allowed to say that things weren't going well. There was a dark, grim mood over the house and the parents were never not thinking about his issues.

I'm not exactly estranged from him now, but we never see each other and never speak on the phone. Of course this is just a stepsiblings, it would feel different with a bio sibling, but I'll tell you the way I dealt with it was just to distance myself from my stepbrother and his parents as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this dynamic growing up. It was infuriating and as a result, I don't have much of a relationship with my mom. My dad was much better at not making me feel invisible or like I had to just accept everything my sibling did. And my mom didn't see that my sibling was also very manipulative. They were smart enough to know my mom excused their behavior and they got away with a ton under the guise of "they can't help it. You need to be more understanding". And then, if I did something my mom didn't like, even small, I got punished. My sibling was once so disruptive we had to leave a restaurant on my birthday and my mom got mad at me for being upset.

My parents eventually divorced once my sibling and I were out of the house because the dynamic created in our house destroyed their marriage. It was moms way and no one could tell her otherwise. I also don't have much of a relationship with my sibling.

Sorry PP. Did your sibling “grow out of it”?

Kind of? They matured and learned some better coping mechanisms as they got older. They have a job and their own apt and are a functioning member of society. They still have some issues from what I can tell. Don't focus on the "they'll grow out of it". It means absolutely nothing to your teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all. This is resonating finally— the older child is feeling very upset and she is only expressing it.

This gets me inside her head. I couldn’t imagine before why she would do that at the moment I got him to calm down.
But now I see it wasn’t really especially purposeful, just mad/letting it out.

I knew she was upset. I thought she was old enough to just say so, and she has. But I get it, she’s still undeveloped like him. It will be fine as we continue to work with him, and over and time. His therapy is amazing and I can see that he’s on a path to “grow out” of it. Before, before we had therapy, he was on a path to grow up with it.

Well, if she tells you she's upset or hates living this way (which is different from being upset), and you basically cover your ears and say "Lalalala! It will be fine! His therapy is amazing! He will grow out of it!" then yes, that's going to annoy her. She needs changes now. Not just words from you. Real change.

You need to look into how you can lower your expectations for how much she has to accommodate his condition. Tolerating a meltdown is an accommodation, but doing things differently to prevent or reduce the chance of a meltdown is an also accommodation. Really try to open your eyes to what expectations you're placing on your daughter.

[Anonymous]

You want your older child to basically be a mini adult who understands that your youngest has needs that take precedence over everyone.

That’s not how children see the world.

Your oldest sees her sibling get away with atrocious behavior all the time—with no consequences. In her head she’s probably thinking if I screamed my head off like that mom would ground me for a month. Little brother gets a hug and a story.

The examples you gave of taking your teen shopping and giving rides to sports are irrelevant. Your teen also sees you spend money on her brother and take him places. I doubt she views you taking her shopping as a huge privilege she gets that her brother doesn’t.

It sounds like you tiptoe around your youngest all the time and you’re annoyed that your older child doesn’t do that. A kid sticking out their tongue at their brother is a trivial offense. It’s childish behavior which is expected from children. Screaming and throwing a tantrum in response is not normal childish behavior. Does your son face any consequences for this behavior? Does he get to explode and then just go along with his day? Your oldest probably remembers some punishment she received when she was 7 for doing less than your son does on a random Tuesday. Of course she’s resentful.

[Anonymous]

Because she’s allowed to be impulsive. She’s allowed to be imperfect. She’s allowed to be human. She’s allowed to be angry.

Are you perfect? Have you never been impulsive and made a poor choice, even as an adult?

Some parents hold their children to a higher standard than they hold themselves.

[Anonymous]

You sound positively horrid op. I hope your teen gets out and never looks back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the older teen has feelings and frustrations and gets to vent those. The older teen gets to act out too sometimes.

THIS. Your teen is allowed to react to situations too. Sticking their tongue out is not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Teenagers push boundaries plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teenagers push boundaries plain and simple.

I will say that my teenager is super self righteous. He thinks he is a better parent than we are and has all the answers.