Teen burdened by younger sibling

[Anonymous]

Put yourselves in a teen’s shoes. You have a younger sibling that has hyperfocus ADHD (so not hyperactive) and is explosive. There are occasional incidents where the younger sibling acts out. There has been a little bit of improvement, but there could be moments or days that are tough.

While you’re in those shoes and your younger sibling has just calmed down after an episode… You stick your tongue out at the younger child. You choose this.

What is going on inside this teenager’s mind? Our family is struggling because of the younger sibling already. And I know that the teenager feels it, hates it. Why would this young person do anything to get the younger sibling to get riled up again immediately after an awful episode?

And you cannot say it was for attention. Because this was done sneakily, and the teenager hoped that it wouldn’t be seen.

I’m trying to understand.

[Anonymous]

Obvious reasons would be annoyance, resentment for the trouble the siibling causes, lack of respect due to the previous two reasons, jealousy that the bad behavior kid gets more parental attention than the better non-ADHD kid, or just for the lulz to provoke them.

[Anonymous]

It's hard but that's your child too and they probably don't like having to always be understanding and probably make sacrifices.

You have my empathy, I would probably scream at older DC for this. Not that it's right, but that's what I'd probably do, out of pure frustration.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard but that's your child too and they probably don't like having to always be understanding and probably make sacrifices.

You have my empathy, I would probably scream at older DC for this. Not that it's right, but that's what I'd probably do, out of pure frustration.

I grounded them about 6m before leaving for an event for them. But I decided to take it back (I know…) bc I had coordinated with another parent. Another child was counting on my child being there. Like this other child wouldn’t be comfortable at the event. They’re friends that haven’t connected in a while going to different schools, and they are good friends.
Anyway, that’s the only reason I ungrounded my child.

[Anonymous]

Because the teenager, understandably, resents their younger siblings. They are disruptive. They take up your attention. My guess is you excuse their behavior because of their ADHD and it drives the teen nuts that there is never a punishment.

You act like buying stuff for them or letting them stay out with friends makes up for the constant stress in their every day life. Read up about the glass child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Time and energy.

How often are family plans (so all of you doing something together) made to accommodate the younger child? How often are family plans changed because of the younger child?

Are family plans ever made/changed for the older child? Are they always having to be flexible and willing to give in so the younger child doesn’t melt down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Are you freaking serious? You think one nice weekend makes up for the chaos and concessions that come with living with an explosive sibling?
Out of curiosity what type of punishment does your explosive child get?

For 110% clarity, you didn’t answer m my original Q. The purpose in sharing her otherwise good weekend is that it’s not “attention-seeking.” The child has positive attention. It’s a sort of typical weekend to talk and spend time together and to have friends around.

Aside from attention, what do you think it was? Please answer my question bc that gives me understanding.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the younger sibling gets all of your patience and consideration and the older one gets… your resentment. For just sticking their tongue out? This is what a normal sibling relationship looks like to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the teenager, understandably, resents their younger siblings. They are disruptive. They take up your attention. My guess is you excuse their behavior because of their ADHD and it drives the teen nuts that there is never a punishment.

You act like buying stuff for them or letting them stay out with friends makes up for the constant stress in their every day life. Read up about the glass child.

Thank you. At least you gave me something constructive to read - the glass child. Thank you I’ll look at it.

You have zero right to saying that “acting like buying them stuff.. yada yada” I never connected the two.
I do not connect my actions to some explanation about why they should be ok. Don’t put words in my mouth.

I asked for explanations outside of attention seeking.

[Anonymous]

A friend had a similar dynamic between her boys - one a teen and the other much younger, with ADHD and learning issues. They ended up sending the older one to boarding school and he was much happier to get a break from his younger brother. And very much enjoyed the overall experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the teenager, understandably, resents their younger siblings. They are disruptive. They take up your attention. My guess is you excuse their behavior because of their ADHD and it drives the teen nuts that there is never a punishment.

You act like buying stuff for them or letting them stay out with friends makes up for the constant stress in their every day life. Read up about the glass child.

Thank you. At least you gave me something constructive to read - the glass child. Thank you I’ll look at it.

You have zero right to saying that “acting like buying them stuff.. yada yada” I never connected the two.
I do not connect my actions to some explanation about why they should be ok. Don’t put words in my mouth.

I asked for explanations outside of attention seeking.

Your teen connects them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Are you freaking serious? You think one nice weekend makes up for the chaos and concessions that come with living with an explosive sibling?
Out of curiosity what type of punishment does your explosive child get?

For 110% clarity, you didn’t answer m my original Q. The purpose in sharing her otherwise good weekend is that it’s not “attention-seeking.” The child has positive attention. It’s a sort of typical weekend to talk and spend time together and to have friends around.

Aside from attention, what do you think it was? Please answer my question bc that gives me understanding.

She doesn’t want one good weekend you’ve been “talking about for months” she wants consistent, positive attention that doesn’t get disrupted and explained away because sibling has adhd