Teen burdened by younger sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Problem, OP, is that you walk on eggshells around your younger child and are very angry that your older kid doesn’t too. There is a lot wrong with that situation, though I empathize with it having a younger ADHD kid myself. I sometimes get pissed at older kid for kicking the hornet nest, but honestly it isn’t their fault.

This. Older kid is acting like a normal kid. Younger kid is responding in a way that isn't normal.

It's a rough situation, but it's not fair to expect older teen to not behave like a teen.

[Anonymous]

As a youngest child...I have to ask...

my siblings were mean to me a lot, but in stealth ways. I would get upset, but a lot of it was a reaction my older sisters goaded me into. and then I would get blamed for reacting in an upset way, rather than my sisters getting blamed for being mean.

I see this dynamic in one of my sister's families, now that she has kid.

is your oldest frequently mean/teasing/bullying towards the younger one?

you need to shut that down if so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

It sounds like your older child gets your time and attention on certain specific dates and times set by you and at your discretion. Your younger child gets attention whenever they want it, by what your older child perceives as behaving badly. See the difference?

I suspect you are accommodating your younger child more than you realize, and your teen does not have the maturity to do so, and does not want to do so. That seems very normal for teens. You will have to deal with it because it's unlikely your older child will ever be okay with this family dynamic. Ever. You could try therapy or a sibling support group but your teen would likely resent it as yet another burden you're placing on them.

[Anonymous]

I think it's because your teen finds this situation unbearable and does not want to live this way. So they make the problem worse in the hopes that you might address it. They've probably tried talking with you about it and felt you didn't take them seriously. So they're thinking "You can make me live in a miserable way but I'm going to make sure you are even more miserable".

I think you need to focus on treating your younger child's condition. That's the bottom line here. 1:1 outings don't make up for what's happening in your children's home.

[Anonymous]

Because the older teen has feelings and frustrations and gets to vent those. The older teen gets to act out too sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Because they resent/ dislike their younger sibling and their frontal lobe is not fully developed. So, in a rush of resentment and annoyance, they stuck their tongue out at them. An immature little "F you!" when they thought no one was looking. This sounds pretty par for the course when one sibling makes the other sibling's life difficult on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Time and energy.

How often are family plans (so all of you doing something together) made to accommodate the younger child? How often are family plans changed because of the younger child?

Are family plans ever made/changed for the older child? Are they always having to be flexible and willing to give in so the younger child doesn’t melt down?

Actually no. Between the two of us parents, we help the adhd child calm down, and the other of us can drive the other child, etc. It isn’t so frequent, and adhd has been bouncing back quickly using tools from therapy to get through it.

You said earlier "There has been a little bit of improvement, but there could be moments or days that are tough." Sounds like you're trying to spin it more positively now. Look, if the whole day is tough, the family life is disrupted. Yes, rides are important, keeping plans is important, but what's really important is a peaceful home and not constantly having the stress of someone melting down. And not being expected to tiptoe around another person's issues. You seem to think that driving them here and there and giving them 1:1 time for certain specific time periods should be enough. It isn't. Your child wants a peaceful home and to not have to constantly accommodate to forestall a meltdown. You're probably making your older kid accommodate more often than you realize.

I, an adult, understand that some kids are special needs siblings and that is how it is, it's the cards life has dealt them. But your teen is a teen and is not yet at that level of understanding. You are pressuring your child to have the maturity of an adult and that doesn't work. Or maybe your teen has a problem with impulsivity and you should see that as a special needs as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the teenager, understandably, resents their younger siblings. They are disruptive. They take up your attention. My guess is you excuse their behavior because of their ADHD and it drives the teen nuts that there is never a punishment.

You act like buying stuff for them or letting them stay out with friends makes up for the constant stress in their every day life. Read up about the glass child.

This. They resent the younger sibling. They did not choose to have a sibling. They have no control over the fact that younger sibling takes up so much bandwidth and causes stress. On some level maybe instigating is easier than tiptoeing and bracing for the next sudden explosion. They are a teen with brain not yet fully formed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is waiting for someone to lay the blame on the older child.
Not going to happen, OP.
Your grammar is a little off in your postings. Is this AI?

This.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all. This is resonating finally— the older child is feeling very upset and she is only expressing it.

This gets me inside her head. I couldn’t imagine before why she would do that at the moment I got him to calm down.
But now I see it wasn’t really especially purposeful, just mad/letting it out.

I knew she was upset. I thought she was old enough to just say so, and she has. But I get it, she’s still undeveloped like him. It will be fine as we continue to work with him, and over and time. His therapy is amazing and I can see that he’s on a path to “grow out” of it. Before, before we had therapy, he was on a path to grow up with it.

[Anonymous]

Because kids are kids. And they do things sometimes that don’t make sense. Things that make life more difficult for whatever reason. It doesn’t have to be that the older child needs attention, it could just be that they were being a teenager. It’s harmful to expect one kid to behave perfectly all the time, or to attribute everything they do wrong to the other kid.

I read some (not all) of your updates, and I’m glad you ungrounded the teen because that’s super harsh just for sticking their tongue out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all. This is resonating finally— the older child is feeling very upset and she is only expressing it.

This gets me inside her head. I couldn’t imagine before why she would do that at the moment I got him to calm down.
But now I see it wasn’t really especially purposeful, just mad/letting it out.

I knew she was upset. I thought she was old enough to just say so, and she has. But I get it, she’s still undeveloped like him. It will be fine as we continue to work with him, and over and time. His therapy is amazing and I can see that he’s on a path to “grow out” of it. Before, before we had therapy, he was on a path to grow up with it.

So what are your plans to help her deal with feeling upset and resentful? Other than.... further focusing on the youngest and how they will grow out of it. Can you have an empathetic conversation with your teen? Or are you just going to tell them you didn't realize they were still underdeveloped and that you thought they were more mature than they are? Hint....only one of these is the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all. This is resonating finally— the older child is feeling very upset and she is only expressing it.

This gets me inside her head. I couldn’t imagine before why she would do that at the moment I got him to calm down.
But now I see it wasn’t really especially purposeful, just mad/letting it out.

I knew she was upset. I thought she was old enough to just say so, and she has. But I get it, she’s still undeveloped like him. It will be fine as we continue to work with him, and over and time. His therapy is amazing and I can see that he’s on a path to “grow out” of it. Before, before we had therapy, he was on a path to grow up with it.

So she did say so, and what did you say? Basically here's some sympathy but ultimately too bad, you have to put up with it and constantly accommodate it or I will be mad at you? Sorry but that's not going to be a satisfactory response for her.

I think you're still trying to spin it more positively than you did in the original post. Yes, over time he may improve. But these are her last years of childhood/adolescence at home and they're going to be difficult because of the sibling meltdowns. She doesn't have the same time perspective that you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

They could want to do something "disruptive" and get the slack the other kid gets. They may feel only conditionally accepted/loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all. This is resonating finally— the older child is feeling very upset and she is only expressing it.

This gets me inside her head. I couldn’t imagine before why she would do that at the moment I got him to calm down.
But now I see it wasn’t really especially purposeful, just mad/letting it out.

I knew she was upset. I thought she was old enough to just say so, and she has. But I get it, she’s still undeveloped like him. It will be fine as we continue to work with him, and over and time. His therapy is amazing and I can see that he’s on a path to “grow out” of it. Before, before we had therapy, he was on a path to grow up with it.

She doesn't want to just say so! She wants this to change. She's going to make life difficult for everyone until she gets some sort of results, because saying she's upset doesn't change anything.

You need to open your eyes to the stress and unhappiness this is placing on your child. You said your family is struggling. Her saying "Mother, I am upset" and you saying "I hear that you are upset" is not the solution you think it is.