Teen burdened by younger sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Time and energy.

How often are family plans (so all of you doing something together) made to accommodate the younger child? How often are family plans changed because of the younger child?

Are family plans ever made/changed for the older child? Are they always having to be flexible and willing to give in so the younger child doesn’t melt down?

OP, you didn’t answer these questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend had a similar dynamic between her boys - one a teen and the other much younger, with ADHD and learning issues. They ended up sending the older one to boarding school and he was much happier to get a break from his younger brother. And very much enjoyed the overall experience.

I have heard this solution often.
Give your older child a life outside of the family chaos or likely you will seldom see them again once they leave for college.

[Anonymous]

I was this child. My younger sister was adhd/explosive but then undiagnosed (it was the 90s, she was diagnosed as an adult).

I was furious that sister got every second of parents' free attention, and her crises took away from my facetime with them. I understood it, she was needier than I was. It still hurt. The dynamic has continued into adulthood and it still hurts. I just asked my parents if I could bring the grandkids to see them for Christmas and was told no, because sibling needs them to go to her to watch her dog that week and she "has no one else". They are afraid she will melt down if they tell her no.

I wasn't neglected. My mom took me shopping, my dad took me to my sports tournaments. Once I had the choice though, I moved as far away from home as I possibly could and forged a life for myself without them, with people who made me feel like a priority and not an afterthought.

[Anonymous]

I mean, my teen stuck out her tongue at her brother yesterday too. She was annoyed and irritated and she stuck out her tongue. It is a form of communication that is pretty common at kids and teens. Sibings bug each other. Sticking out your tongue is non verbal, can be done behind parents backs, and it communicates a lot.

You would have to talk to your teen to see what they were annoyed or irritated about? How often are you checking in with them to see how they are feeling and what concerns they have and what bugs them. You should start there before jumping to consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Time and energy.

How often are family plans (so all of you doing something together) made to accommodate the younger child? How often are family plans changed because of the younger child?

Are family plans ever made/changed for the older child? Are they always having to be flexible and willing to give in so the younger child doesn’t melt down?

Actually no. Between the two of us parents, we help the adhd child calm down, and the other of us can drive the other child, etc. It isn’t so frequent, and adhd has been bouncing back quickly using tools from therapy to get through it.

[Anonymous]

OP is waiting for someone to lay the blame on the older child.
Not going to happen, OP.
Your grammar is a little off in your postings. Is this AI?

[Anonymous]

My guess is your child is frustrated that their sibling gets all the attention. They know you won't understand if they complain. Sibling gets away with murder in their eyes, so since sibling doesn't get punished the best revenge is to make sibling angry so sibling essentially punishes themselves.

[Anonymous]

First, if the ADHD kid is explosive and gets riled up by a sibling sticking out a tongue, they do have the hyperactive part. Inattentive type kids are not "explosive" they are zoned out. so perhaps your denial of this is impacting the older sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Are you freaking serious? You think one nice weekend makes up for the chaos and concessions that come with living with an explosive sibling?
Out of curiosity what type of punishment does your explosive child get?

For 110% clarity, you didn’t answer m my original Q. The purpose in sharing her otherwise good weekend is that it’s not “attention-seeking.” The child has positive attention. It’s a sort of typical weekend to talk and spend time together and to have friends around.

Aside from attention, what do you think it was? Please answer my question bc that gives me understanding.

She doesn’t want one good weekend you’ve been “talking about for months” she wants consistent, positive attention that doesn’t get disrupted and explained away because sibling has adhd

Find where I said we’ve been talking about a nice weekend for months. We do this almost every weekend
The expensive equipment purchase was done this weekend. Something we have been searching/shopping for for months.
I’m saying, this child is not short of attention.

So bearing this in mind, is it just dumb sinking stuff for the tongue sticking out? I can accept it.

But it got the adhd child riled up after effort to bring him down. It was upsetting. Is it just pure anger at him? Not thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Are you freaking serious? You think one nice weekend makes up for the chaos and concessions that come with living with an explosive sibling?
Out of curiosity what type of punishment does your explosive child get?

For 110% clarity, you didn’t answer m my original Q. The purpose in sharing her otherwise good weekend is that it’s not “attention-seeking.” The child has positive attention. It’s a sort of typical weekend to talk and spend time together and to have friends around.

Aside from attention, what do you think it was? Please answer my question bc that gives me understanding.

She doesn’t want one good weekend you’ve been “talking about for months” she wants consistent, positive attention that doesn’t get disrupted and explained away because sibling has adhd

Find where I said we’ve been talking about a nice weekend for months. We do this almost every weekend
The expensive equipment purchase was done this weekend. Something we have been searching/shopping for for months.
I’m saying, this child is not short of attention.

So bearing this in mind, is it just dumb sinking stuff for the tongue sticking out? I can accept it.

But it got the adhd child riled up after effort to bring him down. It was upsetting. Is it just pure anger at him? Not thinking?

It's anger and resentment from an underdeveloped teenage mindset. They aren't thinking "this could set them off". They are thinking "I'm mad and annoyed" and impulsively stick out their tongue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Are you freaking serious? You think one nice weekend makes up for the chaos and concessions that come with living with an explosive sibling?
Out of curiosity what type of punishment does your explosive child get?

For 110% clarity, you didn’t answer m my original Q. The purpose in sharing her otherwise good weekend is that it’s not “attention-seeking.” The child has positive attention. It’s a sort of typical weekend to talk and spend time together and to have friends around.

Aside from attention, what do you think it was? Please answer my question bc that gives me understanding.

She doesn’t want one good weekend you’ve been “talking about for months” she wants consistent, positive attention that doesn’t get disrupted and explained away because sibling has adhd

Find where I said we’ve been talking about a nice weekend for months. We do this almost every weekend
The expensive equipment purchase was done this weekend. Something we have been searching/shopping for for months.
I’m saying, this child is not short of attention.

So bearing this in mind, is it just dumb sinking stuff for the tongue sticking out? I can accept it.

But it got the adhd child riled up after effort to bring him down. It was upsetting. Is it just pure anger at him? Not thinking?

You are pedantic and hopeless. Enjoy estrangement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is waiting for someone to lay the blame on the older child.
Not going to happen, OP.
Your grammar is a little off in your postings. Is this AI?

What if no one is to blame? Why is the board at the ready to blame someone? It sounds hard already, without finding a scapegoat for all the issues. The parent came here trying to understand.

I agree this isn’t pure attention seeking. Everyone is jumping to it, because it would be easy to say. But it sounds like teen has a right to be upset but not specifically over attention.

[Anonymous]

Problem, OP, is that you walk on eggshells around your younger child and are very angry that your older kid doesn’t too. There is a lot wrong with that situation, though I empathize with it having a younger ADHD kid myself. I sometimes get pissed at older kid for kicking the hornet nest, but honestly it isn’t their fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Are you freaking serious? You think one nice weekend makes up for the chaos and concessions that come with living with an explosive sibling?
Out of curiosity what type of punishment does your explosive child get?

For 110% clarity, you didn’t answer m my original Q. The purpose in sharing her otherwise good weekend is that it’s not “attention-seeking.” The child has positive attention. It’s a sort of typical weekend to talk and spend time together and to have friends around.

Aside from attention, what do you think it was? Please answer my question bc that gives me understanding.

She doesn’t want one good weekend you’ve been “talking about for months” she wants consistent, positive attention that doesn’t get disrupted and explained away because sibling has adhd

Find where I said we’ve been talking about a nice weekend for months. We do this almost every weekend
The expensive equipment purchase was done this weekend. Something we have been searching/shopping for for months.
I’m saying, this child is not short of attention.

So bearing this in mind, is it just dumb sinking stuff for the tongue sticking out? I can accept it.

But it got the adhd child riled up after effort to bring him down. It was upsetting. Is it just pure anger at him? Not thinking?

It's anger and resentment from an underdeveloped teenage mindset. They aren't thinking "this could set them off". They are thinking "I'm mad and annoyed" and impulsively stick out their tongue.

It's this. Your under child gets worn down by the meltdowns and lacks the impulse control not to retaliate. Yes it is obvious that this makes it worse. Yes it is annoying. But it's normal for teens to do dumb things, lack impulse control, and antagonize siblings. Look, your household is a stressful place to be, and no amount of 1:1 or attention is going to change the baseline fact that the home is not peaceful. They may also find this embarrassing socially and resent that too.

Your child is retaliating against *you*, the parent, by causing a meltdown. They resent that you are making them accommodate their sibling and they want to punish you so that you can feel as crappy and frustrated and stressed as they do. They likely feel like you constantly demand that they accommodate the disability and they don't have a choice about it. Teens hate feeling coerced. I know you already feel stressed, frustrated, annoyed, etc. by the meltdowns, but that's my take on what's going on here.

Maybe you need better professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Are you freaking serious? You think one nice weekend makes up for the chaos and concessions that come with living with an explosive sibling?
Out of curiosity what type of punishment does your explosive child get?

For 110% clarity, you didn’t answer m my original Q. The purpose in sharing her otherwise good weekend is that it’s not “attention-seeking.” The child has positive attention. It’s a sort of typical weekend to talk and spend time together and to have friends around.

Aside from attention, what do you think it was? Please answer my question bc that gives me understanding.

She doesn’t want one good weekend you’ve been “talking about for months” she wants consistent, positive attention that doesn’t get disrupted and explained away because sibling has adhd

Find where I said we’ve been talking about a nice weekend for months. We do this almost every weekend
The expensive equipment purchase was done this weekend. Something we have been searching/shopping for for months.
I’m saying, this child is not short of attention.

So bearing this in mind, is it just dumb sinking stuff for the tongue sticking out? I can accept it.

But it got the adhd child riled up after effort to bring him down. It was upsetting. Is it just pure anger at him? Not thinking?

You definitely seem to be ignoring many of the things others have posted as if you’re looking for someone to say something negative about your older child. As many others have said, teens do impulsive things in general, many teens get irritated with their younger siblings, even those without any special needs. You keep trying to justify the time you’ve spent with the older child and the things you buy them as if that’s supposed to mean they never act out.

Your kid also may just resent their younger sibling and the dynamic it brings to your household.