Does family therapy ever work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

What a gift that your kid cares enough about you that she wants to have a healthy relationship with you into the future. Why else would she be willing to join you in therapy?

Listen to understand, keep in mind that we each have our own version of events, and prioritize your connection with her. It will enrich both of your lives for the long term if you can get on the right track now.

Drop the thought that she is ungrateful.

Thank you for the encouragement.

I never said she was ungrateful. I just think she would be happier if she had a balanced view of her life thus far, rather than dwelling on the infrequent (by her own description) times I fell short.

And she probably thinks she would be happier if you acknowledged and a tone for those infrequent times. Maybe trust her to be correct about her own experience.

Sometimes it's a matter of perspective changing. During therapy (I was 30) my life was very unsettled and there was a period of time when I attributed a lot of problems to my parents. I wasn't wrong, really, but it can take awhile to get to the place where you realize people do the best they are capable of. I also began to think more about what my mom experienced as a child and how those experiences affected her.

I read some Dr. Spock book when I had a young child. He told this story of a woman whose husband had abandoned her and their child and she struggled with what to tell the child as it grew up. The answer Dr.Spock advised was that the child's father loved him as much as he was able to. Which is actually true no matter how little or how much the father loved the child he abandoned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

What a gift that your kid cares enough about you that she wants to have a healthy relationship with you into the future. Why else would she be willing to join you in therapy?

Listen to understand, keep in mind that we each have our own version of events, and prioritize your connection with her. It will enrich both of your lives for the long term if you can get on the right track now.

Drop the thought that she is ungrateful.

Thank you for the encouragement.

I never said she was ungrateful. I just think she would be happier if she had a balanced view of her life thus far, rather than dwelling on the infrequent (by her own description) times I fell short.

And she probably thinks she would be happier if you acknowledged and a tone for those infrequent times. Maybe trust her to be correct about her own experience.

Sometimes it's a matter of perspective changing. During therapy (I was 30) my life was very unsettled and there was a period of time when I attributed a lot of problems to my parents. I wasn't wrong, really, but it can take awhile to get to the place where you realize people do the best they are capable of. I also began to think more about what my mom experienced as a child and how those experiences affected her.

I read some Dr. Spock book when I had a young child. He told this story of a woman whose husband had abandoned her and their child and she struggled with what to tell the child as it grew up. The answer Dr.Spock advised was that the child's father loved him as much as he was able to. Which is actually true no matter how little or how much the father loved the child he abandoned.

But surely no one actually thinks abandoning a child has no repercussions? This is the same for OP: whatever these “in fractions“ they have stayed with her daughter. She could make amends, or she can push her child away, there isn’t a third option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

What a gift that your kid cares enough about you that she wants to have a healthy relationship with you into the future. Why else would she be willing to join you in therapy?

Listen to understand, keep in mind that we each have our own version of events, and prioritize your connection with her. It will enrich both of your lives for the long term if you can get on the right track now.

Drop the thought that she is ungrateful.

Thank you for the encouragement.

I never said she was ungrateful. I just think she would be happier if she had a balanced view of her life thus far, rather than dwelling on the infrequent (by her own description) times I fell short.

And she probably thinks she would be happier if you acknowledged and a tone for those infrequent times. Maybe trust her to be correct about her own experience.

Sometimes it's a matter of perspective changing. During therapy (I was 30) my life was very unsettled and there was a period of time when I attributed a lot of problems to my parents. I wasn't wrong, really, but it can take awhile to get to the place where you realize people do the best they are capable of. I also began to think more about what my mom experienced as a child and how those experiences affected her.

I read some Dr. Spock book when I had a young child. He told this story of a woman whose husband had abandoned her and their child and she struggled with what to tell the child as it grew up. The answer Dr.Spock advised was that the child's father loved him as much as he was able to. Which is actually true no matter how little or how much the father loved the child he abandoned.

But surely no one actually thinks abandoning a child has no repercussions? This is the same for OP: whatever these “in fractions“ they have stayed with her daughter. She could make amends, or she can push her child away, there isn’t a third option.

I don't think setting boundaries is "pushing her child away.". OP should offer a true apology for the times she fell short, but she does not need to accept her daughter treating her poorly. It is not healthy or helpful for her daughter to continue to punish her mother for these instances. Especially because in this case it seems like OP was mostly a good mother who made some mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

What a gift that your kid cares enough about you that she wants to have a healthy relationship with you into the future. Why else would she be willing to join you in therapy?

Listen to understand, keep in mind that we each have our own version of events, and prioritize your connection with her. It will enrich both of your lives for the long term if you can get on the right track now.

Drop the thought that she is ungrateful.

Thank you for the encouragement.

I never said she was ungrateful. I just think she would be happier if she had a balanced view of her life thus far, rather than dwelling on the infrequent (by her own description) times I fell short.

And she probably thinks she would be happier if you acknowledged and a tone for those infrequent times. Maybe trust her to be correct about her own experience.

Sometimes it's a matter of perspective changing. During therapy (I was 30) my life was very unsettled and there was a period of time when I attributed a lot of problems to my parents. I wasn't wrong, really, but it can take awhile to get to the place where you realize people do the best they are capable of. I also began to think more about what my mom experienced as a child and how those experiences affected her.

I read some Dr. Spock book when I had a young child. He told this story of a woman whose husband had abandoned her and their child and she struggled with what to tell the child as it grew up. The answer Dr.Spock advised was that the child's father loved him as much as he was able to. Which is actually true no matter how little or how much the father loved the child he abandoned.

But surely no one actually thinks abandoning a child has no repercussions? This is the same for OP: whatever these “in fractions“ they have stayed with her daughter. She could make amends, or she can push her child away, there isn’t a third option.

I don't think setting boundaries is "pushing her child away.". OP should offer a true apology for the times she fell short, but she does not need to accept her daughter treating her poorly. It is not healthy or helpful for her daughter to continue to punish her mother for these instances. Especially because in this case it seems like OP was mostly a good mother who made some mistakes.

Yes, she should. It seems she hasn’t. Another instance of falling short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

What a gift that your kid cares enough about you that she wants to have a healthy relationship with you into the future. Why else would she be willing to join you in therapy?

Listen to understand, keep in mind that we each have our own version of events, and prioritize your connection with her. It will enrich both of your lives for the long term if you can get on the right track now.

Drop the thought that she is ungrateful.

Thank you for the encouragement.

I never said she was ungrateful. I just think she would be happier if she had a balanced view of her life thus far, rather than dwelling on the infrequent (by her own description) times I fell short.

And she probably thinks she would be happier if you acknowledged and a tone for those infrequent times. Maybe trust her to be correct about her own experience.

Sometimes it's a matter of perspective changing. During therapy (I was 30) my life was very unsettled and there was a period of time when I attributed a lot of problems to my parents. I wasn't wrong, really, but it can take awhile to get to the place where you realize people do the best they are capable of. I also began to think more about what my mom experienced as a child and how those experiences affected her.

I read some Dr. Spock book when I had a young child. He told this story of a woman whose husband had abandoned her and their child and she struggled with what to tell the child as it grew up. The answer Dr.Spock advised was that the child's father loved him as much as he was able to. Which is actually true no matter how little or how much the father loved the child he abandoned.

But surely no one actually thinks abandoning a child has no repercussions? This is the same for OP: whatever these “in fractions“ they have stayed with her daughter. She could make amends, or she can push her child away, there isn’t a third option.

I don't think setting boundaries is "pushing her child away.". OP should offer a true apology for the times she fell short, but she does not need to accept her daughter treating her poorly. It is not healthy or helpful for her daughter to continue to punish her mother for these instances. Especially because in this case it seems like OP was mostly a good mother who made some mistakes.

Yes, she should. It seems she hasn’t. Another instance of falling short.

I don't think you can get that from reading OP's post. It's not clear whether she has apologized or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

What a gift that your kid cares enough about you that she wants to have a healthy relationship with you into the future. Why else would she be willing to join you in therapy?

Listen to understand, keep in mind that we each have our own version of events, and prioritize your connection with her. It will enrich both of your lives for the long term if you can get on the right track now.

Drop the thought that she is ungrateful.

Thank you for the encouragement.

I never said she was ungrateful. I just think she would be happier if she had a balanced view of her life thus far, rather than dwelling on the infrequent (by her own description) times I fell short.

And she probably thinks she would be happier if you acknowledged and a tone for those infrequent times. Maybe trust her to be correct about her own experience.

Sometimes it's a matter of perspective changing. During therapy (I was 30) my life was very unsettled and there was a period of time when I attributed a lot of problems to my parents. I wasn't wrong, really, but it can take awhile to get to the place where you realize people do the best they are capable of. I also began to think more about what my mom experienced as a child and how those experiences affected her.

I read some Dr. Spock book when I had a young child. He told this story of a woman whose husband had abandoned her and their child and she struggled with what to tell the child as it grew up. The answer Dr.Spock advised was that the child's father loved him as much as he was able to. Which is actually true no matter how little or how much the father loved the child he abandoned.

But surely no one actually thinks abandoning a child has no repercussions? This is the same for OP: whatever these “in fractions“ they have stayed with her daughter. She could make amends, or she can push her child away, there isn’t a third option.

I don't think setting boundaries is "pushing her child away.". OP should offer a true apology for the times she fell short, but she does not need to accept her daughter treating her poorly. It is not healthy or helpful for her daughter to continue to punish her mother for these instances. Especially because in this case it seems like OP was mostly a good mother who made some mistakes.

Yes, she should. It seems she hasn’t. Another instance of falling short.

I don't think you can get that from reading OP's post. It's not clear whether she has apologized or not.

Its clear when she comes back to say her daughter should think about her own life in a way more favorable to the OP. That means even an apology would have been insincere.

[Anonymous]

We had a great experience with the family therapy team at Newport Academy in Rockville. Our teen son had spiraled into depression and ended up in the hospital for a suicide attempt. It took about a year (and so-much-money) but we navigated to a place that was not back to where we were but to a new place that has been healthier for all.

[Anonymous]

It only works for the therapist’s bank account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a great experience with the family therapy team at Newport Academy in Rockville. Our teen son had spiraled into depression and ended up in the hospital for a suicide attempt. It took about a year (and so-much-money) but we navigated to a place that was not back to where we were but to a new place that has been healthier for all.

Congratulations. I am happy for you all. 👍

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was she a joy to raise because she was an easy child?

Just listen. See what she has to say.

I'm the PP here with the abusive father. My dad would say to me and my sister all the time that we were "such joys to raise as kids and teens, so I don't understand why you guys are rebelling against me now as adults!"

Of course, we were very easy kids and teens (hard not to be when your father yells at you and hits you whenever you misbehave), so the moment we went off of our father's desires for us as adult children was the moment he viewed us as "failures" and people who were "no longer joys to be around."

To the poster with the abusive father, I just want you to know you are not alone, and this thread triggers me quite a bit. my mother was abusive and would say and do the same as your father. I was a joy as kid because I was her personal therapist and verbal punching bag and I played the game, people pleased, got top grades, stayed thin, and tried to meet her every wish. Dad intervened when her abuse got out of control. After he passed away my husband became quite ill and I could not play the roll she had in mind. I have letters/emails and texts lamenting how I was "such a joy to raise" and how she doesn't understand how I became such a "bitter, nasty, ungrateful, and selfish b." Keep in mind I have not returned any of her abuse. I took the high road, but simply made it clear no more abuse would be tolerated. She had no concern for her SIL or grandkids. She was healthy and independent, yet it was all about what I owed her and the fact her needs were not being met.

I know this situation has it's own differences, but yes, I too am seeing many trigger responses and things coming from OP that remind me of my mother, but I applaud OP for getting therapy. My mother would not do that when I was younger. As an adult when I didn't fall into line she told me I needed therapy because I was too rebellious (as a middle age married woman who simply said "no" to her.) When I told her I was getting therapy she demanded the person's phone number so she could tell her, her side of the story. I never said I mentioned her in therapy, but she threw a tantrum and then stopped talking to me when I would not supply the number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

Not for her.