Does family therapy ever work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

Children absolutely have obligations:

Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee… (Deuteronomy 5:16)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

PP here. So what obligations does your teen have to you besides the obvious (attend school, complete chores, be respectful to parents)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

PP you are replying to. Curious about your perspective here. Are you a parent yourself? Was your parent abusive?
Nothing in OP's statement makes me think they are abusive, they are in therapy with their adult daughter, it sounds like the daughter keeps coming up with different ways she is dissatisfied with her upbringing. That's a common thing for young adults to do, it doesn't necessarily indicate abuse.

I have kids myself, and my father was abusive and controlling. He repeatedly utilized the phrase that "his children have permanent obligations to him for raising, clothing, and feeding them." I won't go into what obligations he expected out of us, but they were things that completely rid my sister and I of our autonomy (besides the usual go to school, be polite, do your chores). I am trying very hard to not repeat the cycle of abuse. I'm always wary of parents who say that their kids "have obligations to them" for raising and feeding them as a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

PP you are replying to. Curious about your perspective here. Are you a parent yourself? Was your parent abusive?
Nothing in OP's statement makes me think they are abusive, they are in therapy with their adult daughter, it sounds like the daughter keeps coming up with different ways she is dissatisfied with her upbringing. That's a common thing for young adults to do, it doesn't necessarily indicate abuse.

I have kids myself, and my father was abusive and controlling. He repeatedly utilized the phrase that "his children have permanent obligations to him for raising, clothing, and feeding them." I won't go into what obligations he expected out of us, but they were things that completely rid my sister and I of our autonomy (besides the usual go to school, be polite, do your chores). I am trying very hard to not repeat the cycle of abuse. I'm always wary of parents who say that their kids "have obligations to them" for raising and feeding them as a child.

I think you may be sensitive to the word "obligations" because of how it was used in your upbringing. But the way I see it, it's reciprocal like any other relationship. We have a duty to show up for family and treat each other respectfully. OP is showing up for her daughter by going to therapy, but she doesn't need to be a doormat and accept all blame for her daughter's current problems, that's not doing anyone any good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

PP you are replying to. Curious about your perspective here. Are you a parent yourself? Was your parent abusive?
Nothing in OP's statement makes me think they are abusive, they are in therapy with their adult daughter, it sounds like the daughter keeps coming up with different ways she is dissatisfied with her upbringing. That's a common thing for young adults to do, it doesn't necessarily indicate abuse.

I have kids myself, and my father was abusive and controlling. He repeatedly utilized the phrase that "his children have permanent obligations to him for raising, clothing, and feeding them." I won't go into what obligations he expected out of us, but they were things that completely rid my sister and I of our autonomy (besides the usual go to school, be polite, do your chores). I am trying very hard to not repeat the cycle of abuse. I'm always wary of parents who say that their kids "have obligations to them" for raising and feeding them as a child.

I think you may be sensitive to the word "obligations" because of how it was used in your upbringing. But the way I see it, it's reciprocal like any other relationship. We have a duty to show up for family and treat each other respectfully. OP is showing up for her daughter by going to therapy, but she doesn't need to be a doormat and accept all blame for her daughter's current problems, that's not doing anyone any good.

I probably am, but I'm really skeptical of anyone who feels that their children owe them anything besides basic courtesy and functional life habits. No, you are not entitled to control your children's life choices (which is usually the source of a lot of adult child-parent conflict).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

PP here. So what obligations does your teen have to you besides the obvious (attend school, complete chores, be respectful to parents)?

DP. The last one is huge and is the core of many, many issues.

When my kids were tweens, a bunch of families decided to get together for New Year, and we agreed that each family would buy the party gifts for their kids, but the limit would be $20 per kid as not to cause any issues. My jaw dropped when two kids from one of the families made a scene because their “cheap gifts sucked”. If the kid is old enough to figure out the $ value of the gift, they are old enough to keep their mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

PP here. So what obligations does your teen have to you besides the obvious (attend school, complete chores, be respectful to parents)?

I mean, I think those are the main ones! I said they don’t have the same level of obligations that parents do towards their children. That doesn’t mean children have zero - and you just labeled 3 for yourself!

Relationships between people are (almost) never one directional. And children definitely shouldn’t be taught that their parents owe them everything and the kids don’t have any responsibility as a member of the family. That gives kids too much power before they’re ready to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

PP here. So what obligations does your teen have to you besides the obvious (attend school, complete chores, be respectful to parents)?

I mean, I think those are the main ones! I said they don’t have the same level of obligations that parents do towards their children. That doesn’t mean children have zero - and you just labeled 3 for yourself!

Relationships between people are (almost) never one directional. And children definitely shouldn’t be taught that their parents owe them everything and the kids don’t have any responsibility as a member of the family. That gives kids too much power before they’re ready to handle it.

PP here. I don't disagree entirely but we're not talking about kids; presumably, OP's children are adults (which is why she's posting in the adult children forum and not, say, the teens and tweens forum).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was she a joy to raise because she was an easy child?

Just listen. See what she has to say.

I'm the PP here with the abusive father. My dad would say to me and my sister all the time that we were "such joys to raise as kids and teens, so I don't understand why you guys are rebelling against me now as adults!"

Of course, we were very easy kids and teens (hard not to be when your father yells at you and hits you whenever you misbehave), so the moment we went off of our father's desires for us as adult children was the moment he viewed us as "failures" and people who were "no longer joys to be around."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

There is a huge societal push to blame and abandon parents to get rid of family structures. From therapists to social influencers to peers, everyone is hell bent on reframing individual brought up to justify whatever spares people of responsibilities and accountability.

+1

It’s in vogue in some Gen Z social groups to cancel your parents. Blame them. Be self righteous. Estrange themselves from people who they perceive wronged them long ago or even once recently. It’s conflating “setting boundaries”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

So SHE is treating you poorly. How so?

Whose idea was the family therapy and who selected the therapist?

Are there individual sessions with the therapist plus for up sessions?

Is the therapist a flying monkey?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly what a gift that your daughter has brought this up proactively and that you are open to going. Much better than waiting to see how this all plays out without the facilitated convos. If there is some underlying issue, I think this is kind of a best case scenario.

Who said this or where did it say this here? Did something get deleted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

Well said!
The poster before seems to be on the TikTok trend of complaining of abusive parents because not everything they wanted or needed was given them according to their hindsight desires. It’s really ridiculous and not doing young adults any favors.

+1

Check out the ones where they disowned their parent for recalling they cursed once. And tik tok told them to kick them to the curb as a 25 yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

PP here. So what obligations does your teen have to you besides the obvious (attend school, complete chores, be respectful to parents)?

R u married with k-12 kids PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

PP here. So what obligations does your teen have to you besides the obvious (attend school, complete chores, be respectful to parents)?

R u married with k-12 kids PP?

Yes I am. What obligations do you believe your kids have besides the ones I listed? My abusive father would probably say the same thing that you did. Of course, he would lash out in rage if we ever went off of his chosen path for us.