Does family therapy ever work?

[Anonymous]

I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

[Anonymous]

It does. It takes a lot of patience. And maybe your own therapy to deal with what’s coming up for you so you can stay curious and present and not try and defend yourself.

You don’t have to agree with your daughter’s perspective to hold space for it. Many things can be and often are true at the same time. And that’s true for your daughter as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does. It takes a lot of patience. And maybe your own therapy to deal with what’s coming up for you so you can stay curious and present and not try and defend yourself.

You don’t have to agree with your daughter’s perspective to hold space for it. Many things can be and often are true at the same time. And that’s true for your daughter as well.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Honestly what a gift that your daughter has brought this up proactively and that you are open to going. Much better than waiting to see how this all plays out without the facilitated convos. If there is some underlying issue, I think this is kind of a best case scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

There is a huge societal push to blame and abandon parents to get rid of family structures. From therapists to social influencers to peers, everyone is hell bent on reframing individual brought up to justify whatever spares people of responsibilities and accountability.

[Anonymous]

If she is expressing concerns and you refuse to listen, no, it will never work. You denying everything and saying things were perfect is fine from your perspective but not hers.

[Anonymous]

Find experienced MD-PHD psychologist/psychiatrist, most therapists are just money drain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is expressing concerns and you refuse to listen, no, it will never work. You denying everything and saying things were perfect is fine from your perspective but not hers.

You got this from the OP?
I agree with 12:33 and I think your post illustrates this sociable push quite nicely.

[Anonymous]

I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

PP you are replying to. Curious about your perspective here. Are you a parent yourself? Was your parent abusive?
Nothing in OP's statement makes me think they are abusive, they are in therapy with their adult daughter, it sounds like the daughter keeps coming up with different ways she is dissatisfied with her upbringing. That's a common thing for young adults to do, it doesn't necessarily indicate abuse.

[Anonymous]

Was she a joy to raise because she was an easy child?

Just listen. See what she has to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

Well said!
The poster before seems to be on the TikTok trend of complaining of abusive parents because not everything they wanted or needed was given them according to their hindsight desires. It’s really ridiculous and not doing young adults any favors.

[Anonymous]

It works if both parties are willing to admit their faults and forgive each other. My mom could be borderline abusive but I gave her my own issues. As I got older, I realized my role in things and changed my behavior. Things got a bit better. When I was around 30 and we had a family tragedy, my mom had an epiphany about how she treated my brother and me growing up. She apologized and then worked on it growing forwards. We have a decent relationship now because we both recognized our faults, worked on them, and forgave the others faults.

If youre both not willing to do that, therapy won't work. It is extremely rare that one side is the cause of all the issues.