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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad,  new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)[/quote]

What a gift that your kid cares enough about you that she wants to have a healthy relationship with you into the future.  Why else would she be willing to join you in therapy?

Listen to understand, keep in mind that we each have our own version of events, and prioritize your connection with her.  It will enrich both of your lives for the long term if you can get on the right track now.

Drop the thought that she is ungrateful.  [/quote]

Thank you for the encouragement.

I never said she was ungrateful. I [b]just think she would be happier if she had a balanced view of her life thus far, rather than dwelling on the infrequent (by her own description) times I fell short[/b]. [/quote]

And she probably thinks she would be happier if you acknowledged and a tone for those infrequent times. Maybe trust her to be correct about her own experience.[/quote]

Sometimes it's a matter of perspective changing. During therapy (I was 30) my life was very unsettled and there was a period of time when I attributed a lot of problems to my parents. I wasn't wrong, really, but it can take awhile to get to the place where you realize people do the best they are capable of. I also began to think more about what my mom experienced as a child and how those experiences affected her.

I read some Dr. Spock book when I had a young child. He told this story of a woman whose husband had abandoned her and their child and she struggled with what to tell the child as it grew up. The answer Dr.Spock advised was that the child's father loved him as much as he was able to. Which is actually true no matter how little or how much the father loved the child he abandoned.

[/quote]

But surely no one actually thinks abandoning a child has no repercussions? This is the same for OP: whatever these “in fractions“ they have stayed with her daughter. She could make amends, or she can push her child away, there isn’t a third option.[/quote]

I don't think setting boundaries is "pushing her child away.". [b]OP should offer a true apology for the times she fell short, [/b]but she does not need to accept her daughter treating her poorly.  It is not healthy or helpful for her daughter to continue to punish her mother for these instances.  Especially because in this case it seems like OP was mostly a good mother who made some mistakes.[/quote]

Yes, she should. It seems she hasn’t. Another instance of falling short.
[/quote]

I don't think you can get that from reading OP's post.  It's not clear whether she has apologized or not.[/quote]

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