Does family therapy ever work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

PP here. So what obligations does your teen have to you besides the obvious (attend school, complete chores, be respectful to parents)?

R u married with k-12 kids PP?

Yes I am. What obligations do you believe your kids have besides the ones I listed? My abusive father would probably say the same thing that you did. Of course, he would lash out in rage if we ever went off of his chosen path for us.

DP. It depends on the age and also the circumstances, but here are some examples.

Family events are a priority for anyone still living in my home and they will attend unless they have discussed it with me in advance and there is a good reason to miss. You move out of the house, it's your choice whether to attend.
They keep their room clean and organized enough that they can find everything and don't ask me to help them look for things. No food in bedrooms.
If they use the car, they help fill it up with gas and run errands for the family.
If I pay for private lessons or tutoring, they put in the work and I need to see evidence of that practice.
If I am paying college tuition, I see grades and progress towards a degree, with productive use of summers.
Young adults may move back home at any time, our home will always be open to them, but they must live by house rules, treat family members with respect and help around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

PP here. So what obligations does your teen have to you besides the obvious (attend school, complete chores, be respectful to parents)?

R u married with k-12 kids PP?

Yes I am. What obligations do you believe your kids have besides the ones I listed? My abusive father would probably say the same thing that you did. Of course, he would lash out in rage if we ever went off of his chosen path for us.

DP. It depends on the age and also the circumstances, but here are some examples.

Family events are a priority for anyone still living in my home and they will attend unless they have discussed it with me in advance and there is a good reason to miss. You move out of the house, it's your choice whether to attend.
They keep their room clean and organized enough that they can find everything and don't ask me to help them look for things. No food in bedrooms.
If they use the car, they help fill it up with gas and run errands for the family.
If I pay for private lessons or tutoring, they put in the work and I need to see evidence of that practice.
If I am paying college tuition, I see grades and progress towards a degree, with productive use of summers.
Young adults may move back home at any time, our home will always be open to them, but they must live by house rules, treat family members with respect and help around the house.

Some of your rules sound like the kids are in middle school!

They must attend family events? Practice for their piano lessons? (Why are you paying for that anyway?)

Your tone just sounds off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

PP here. So what obligations does your teen have to you besides the obvious (attend school, complete chores, be respectful to parents)?

R u married with k-12 kids PP?

Yes I am. What obligations do you believe your kids have besides the ones I listed? My abusive father would probably say the same thing that you did. Of course, he would lash out in rage if we ever went off of his chosen path for us.

DP. It depends on the age and also the circumstances, but here are some examples.

Family events are a priority for anyone still living in my home and they will attend unless they have discussed it with me in advance and there is a good reason to miss. You move out of the house, it's your choice whether to attend.
They keep their room clean and organized enough that they can find everything and don't ask me to help them look for things. No food in bedrooms.
If they use the car, they help fill it up with gas and run errands for the family.
If I pay for private lessons or tutoring, they put in the work and I need to see evidence of that practice.
If I am paying college tuition, I see grades and progress towards a degree, with productive use of summers.
Young adults may move back home at any time, our home will always be open to them, but they must live by house rules, treat family members with respect and help around the house.

Some of your rules sound like the kids are in middle school!

They must attend family events? Practice for their piano lessons? (Why are you paying for that anyway?)

Your tone just sounds off.

PP here. am a little confused by your response.
A 21 year old college student skips his younger brother's high school graduation to hang out with friends - that would be OK with you?
And you can't imagine that an 18 year old high school senior might still be taking music lessons or need tutoring?

[Anonymous]

It helped me. I had SO MANY issues with my parents that my therapist said I had to pick one for each parent, because of limited time (they live across the country). My father had apparently NO IDEA that he ruled and disciplined through fear and that I spent my entire childhood afraid of him. It was sobering for him to hear that. It still took him several years to get his temper under control but he worked at it and has mellowed.

I discussed one thing about my mom that drove me nuts, and at one point the therapist said to her "What would happen if Lauren did this? I mean, would you DIE?" And my mother said "Well maybe." And that released me of any guilt I felt about dealing with the thing she did that drove me nuts. It was very freeing.

So maybe my parents didn't feel like family therapy helped, but it helped me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

I have a teen, and we’ve been in family therapy for a long time (he has special needs), and all relationships are a two way street. There aren’t obligations from child to parent in the same way there are from parent to child, but no relationship between 2 people is one directional.

PP here. So what obligations does your teen have to you besides the obvious (attend school, complete chores, be respectful to parents)?

R u married with k-12 kids PP?

Yes I am. What obligations do you believe your kids have besides the ones I listed? My abusive father would probably say the same thing that you did. Of course, he would lash out in rage if we ever went off of his chosen path for us.

DP. It depends on the age and also the circumstances, but here are some examples.

Family events are a priority for anyone still living in my home and they will attend unless they have discussed it with me in advance and there is a good reason to miss. You move out of the house, it's your choice whether to attend.
They keep their room clean and organized enough that they can find everything and don't ask me to help them look for things. No food in bedrooms.
If they use the car, they help fill it up with gas and run errands for the family.
If I pay for private lessons or tutoring, they put in the work and I need to see evidence of that practice.
If I am paying college tuition, I see grades and progress towards a degree, with productive use of summers.
Young adults may move back home at any time, our home will always be open to them, but they must live by house rules, treat family members with respect and help around the house.

Some of your rules sound like the kids are in middle school!

They must attend family events? Practice for their piano lessons? (Why are you paying for that anyway?)

Your tone just sounds off.

Funny, you sound like you are 12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It helped me. I had SO MANY issues with my parents that my therapist said I had to pick one for each parent, because of limited time (they live across the country). My father had apparently NO IDEA that he ruled and disciplined through fear and that I spent my entire childhood afraid of him. It was sobering for him to hear that. It still took him several years to get his temper under control but he worked at it and has mellowed.

I discussed one thing about my mom that drove me nuts, and at one point the therapist said to her "What would happen if Lauren did this? I mean, would you DIE?" And my mother said "Well maybe." And that released me of any guilt I felt about dealing with the thing she did that drove me nuts. It was very freeing.

So maybe my parents didn't feel like family therapy helped, but it helped me.

Cool, glad you and your therapist made them meet their reckoning!

Then what?

Did you go on to have a career, marry, have kids, raise/launch them, and be here on DCUM adult kids board?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

What a gift that your kid cares enough about you that she wants to have a healthy relationship with you into the future. Why else would she be willing to join you in therapy?

Listen to understand, keep in mind that we each have our own version of events, and prioritize your connection with her. It will enrich both of your lives for the long term if you can get on the right track now.

Drop the thought that she is ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

What a gift that your kid cares enough about you that she wants to have a healthy relationship with you into the future. Why else would she be willing to join you in therapy?

Listen to understand, keep in mind that we each have our own version of events, and prioritize your connection with her. It will enrich both of your lives for the long term if you can get on the right track now.

Drop the thought that she is ungrateful.

Thank you for the encouragement.

I never said she was ungrateful. I just think she would be happier if she had a balanced view of her life thus far, rather than dwelling on the infrequent (by her own description) times I fell short.

[Anonymous]

I have three girl friends go to family. For two of them, it sounded like THEY were getting the most out of it. Both adolescents expressed dislike of the process. Neither teens had major problems/ Moms were both what I would call “dramatic” types: They retold stories over the phone.

The third friend went to therapy w daughter with a control disorder that impacted her weight and health. That seems like a more functional situation. My take is that it depends on who is in the room and their personality type and temperament. It’s not for everyone.

I also believe teens need some outlet that has privacy —and an opportunity to express their feelings, using their own words, without immediate evaluation from another family member. Unfortunately, family and couples therapy has a lot of judgment and argument built into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

Children absolutely have obligations:

Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee… (Deuteronomy 5:16)

This book of instructions does not apply to all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly what a gift that your daughter has brought this up proactively and that you are open to going. Much better than waiting to see how this all plays out without the facilitated convos. If there is some underlying issue, I think this is kind of a best case scenario.

Putting yourself in a room as captive audience to be blamed for DD’s behavior may not be a “best case scenario.” Lots of people love to be the center of drama and have someone “on their side” like a therapist.

OP - try to examine your behavior and address anything real, but don’t sit there as a weekly punching bag for too long. Make sure that the therapist questions both people’s distortions in thinking.

[Anonymous]

Does progress continues after the sessions end, or do family members put on their best behavior in front of the therapist, and then just slip back into their bad habits when unobserved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It helped me. I had SO MANY issues with my parents that my therapist said I had to pick one for each parent, because of limited time (they live across the country). My father had apparently NO IDEA that he ruled and disciplined through fear and that I spent my entire childhood afraid of him. It was sobering for him to hear that. It still took him several years to get his temper under control but he worked at it and has mellowed.

I discussed one thing about my mom that drove me nuts, and at one point the therapist said to her "What would happen if Lauren did this? I mean, would you DIE?" And my mother said "Well maybe." And that released me of any guilt I felt about dealing with the thing she did that drove me nuts. It was very freeing.

So maybe my parents didn't feel like family therapy helped, but it helped me.

Cool, glad you and your therapist made them meet their reckoning!

Then what?

Did you go on to have a career, marry, have kids, raise/launch them, and be here on DCUM adult kids board?

I wasn't stalled in life so I didn't need therapy in order to start it. It helped me set boundaries with my mother, not feel guilt about it (and in fairness to her she got better about the one thing we discussed) and helped my father and I have some honest talks about anger management and the like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have just started with my adult child. She keeps coming up with different reasons for her poor treatment of me. (I don’t mean different anecdotes, like myriad, new explantations.)

It is draining and discouraging. (She was a joy to raise, so this had all come out of left field.)

What a gift that your kid cares enough about you that she wants to have a healthy relationship with you into the future. Why else would she be willing to join you in therapy?

Listen to understand, keep in mind that we each have our own version of events, and prioritize your connection with her. It will enrich both of your lives for the long term if you can get on the right track now.

Drop the thought that she is ungrateful.

Thank you for the encouragement.

I never said she was ungrateful. I just think she would be happier if she had a balanced view of her life thus far, rather than dwelling on the infrequent (by her own description) times I fell short.

And she probably thinks she would be happier if you acknowledged and a tone for those infrequent times. Maybe trust her to be correct about her own experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think therapy can work, but you need the right therapist and possibly you need to set boundaries.

If your daughter keeps coming up with reasons for treating you poorly, perhaps ask the therapist what this might accomplish in terms of moving forward.

I agree with others in that therapists sometimes does not seem to recognize family obligations other than parent to child. Children have obligations to their parents as well, it's a two-way street.

Sounds exactly like what an abusive parent would say. No, your kids do NOT have any obligations to you. You choose to have them!

A lot of states still have laws on the books establishing responsibility of children to their elderly parents. And you still might get stuck burying them. I know a woman whose mom died while the woman was in grad school and working as a grad asst as well as part time off campus. Her brother had a job too. The mom had been disabled for years and on medicaid/SSI. County wouldn't bury her because immediate family did not qualify for medicaid themselves. Took the grad student 4 years to pay off the cc bill.