My young teen’s social life is killing me. I need mental coping strategies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, just say no.

It's not healthy for a child to have this much power and influence and be so inconsiderate.

Agreed. You are teaching your daughter that her needs must be met at the expense of your needs. I think you could drive her to her sports and one social gathering a week. Next year, she needs to choose a single sport per season. You might enjoy reading Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, OP.

This. Maybe we are the other parents. We told our kids they can’t plan social events during the week. It’s too much. I was never allowed to go out on weeknights and I need some time to do laundry, cook and as you said, am exhausted after work too. And my kids were busy enough with their sports and things and occasionally had HW.

My daughter would book every moment with social activities if she could and I would never cook anything because I’d be uber. It’s hard enough with driving to sports.

Just say no.

[Anonymous]

^ I am happy to drive Fri- Sun and they know they can count on me for the Fri night football game pick up etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My young teen has a very active social life, which I know is a good thing, but all three of her best friends have flaky or overwhelmed parents who can’t reliably help with logistics. So guess who ends up driving all the time?

Lately, with school events, football games, and other activities running late into the evening, I’m spending way too much time sitting in my car when I’m already exhausted from a full day. And then there are the extra kids in my house, in my car, it never ends. I’m the default chauffeur and hangout host.

I’ve tried coordinating with the other parents, but there’s always some reason they can’t help. So the choice becomes either I drive, or my daughter misses out, and I had a flaky mom growing up, so I really don’t want to be that mom. I’m committed, but I’m also burned out. Since I’ve pretty much accepted that this is the situation for now, I’m asking: how can I shift my mindset to make this feel less draining? I know this is “part of parenting,” but I’m feeling tapped out and resentful. How do I mentally reframe this so I can survive the next few years?

Not living like you do is flaky? LOL. You had a mom with boundaries more like. You are the flake for living in this bizarre chaotic lifestyle of being a slave to your kid's whims. How have you survived this far without developing the ability to say

NO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? What sort of activities are you driving her to? Do you have a spouse who can help?

My husband helps when he can, but we also have younger kids at home who aren’t old enough to stay alone, so we alternate. I’m running all over the place, to performing arts events, football games (both home and away, often twice a week for JV and varsity), and various social outings like trips to the mall, dinner, or just wandering around town. Sometimes I’m just the one bringing everyone home from a central spot. But no one ever offers to drive my daughter home.

Are you a SAHM? Why is nobody else ever available to drive?

[Anonymous]

You need to say no. The parents may be taking advantage (the fact that they never drive is telling) but for me - my area has plentiful public transportation and yet I got asked for rides anyway by my younger one. I’d tell her to take the bus, and then one of her friends moms was driving them around instead and apparently resenting other parents for it. I was fine with my kid taking the bus or missing out in those situations.

You need to say no sometimes, bc in my experience, kids who have parents who play personal assistant to them at their whim, almost always have a really terrible sense of entitlement. I know quite a few and it is not pretty. Stop worrying about your daughters social life (clearly she will be fine there) and start worrying more about her character and life lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is super social, but there is now way we would drive her to more than 2 social things a week.

Really?

[Anonymous]

I will also add - start hosting more at your house. Eventually they would have to come get their kid. Flake out last minute on a mall pick up and force someone else’s parents hand.

[Anonymous]

You didn’t mention any activities for your daughter. Does she dance or involved in one of the arts or a sport?

[Anonymous]

I have never heard of teens going to away football games and JV games (unless she's dating a JV player?). This would actually strike me as weird and worrisome. I have three teens.

I often make mine take the public bus to the mall. There's really good public bus service to the mall and to the shopping center that they all love! Mine has now taught all the other kids how to use the bus. They are basically free for teens. (MoCo RideOn is now free for everyone.) One of my kids will also ride his bike to friends, but I know that doesn't work for everyone.

I also have told mine that if she expects a ride, she needs to book that in advance. She was getting really bad about calling me and saying someone else's mom dropped them off, but she needed me to pick them up at X time. I need more warning than that, and I need to be asked, not told after there's no other option.

If your kid is doing more than 2 social events a week, I don't know when she has time to do homework!

Anyway, I don't think anyone can tell you a way to reframe this in your head. Either you're willing to do it (and we're all wondering why), or you're not. You can make it moderately more tolerable by watching TV or doing wordle or duolingo or listening to an audio book or whatever while you are waiting in the car, but it still is what it is.

Do you at least get to talk with the kids in the car? That's something at least. I tell my kids all the time that this Uber does not accept "silent ride" requests. Bad enough I have to drive them, they can at least be polite enough to chit chat. The parents I know that love to drive are doing it for the chit chat time. I do like to talk to their friends too -- many of them are really nice about chatting in the car. That's the best I can do for reframing.

[Anonymous]

I am a PP who told you to say no and just read your post closer. JV and away games? I have two in high school and this isn’t typical. No one else is doing this. We are taking them to the Friday games at their own school for varsity and that is it. They are too much with their own things to go to all of the other games anyway.

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes. Two working parents with stressful jobs and really active teens who didn’t drive until senior year. I was the default driver and the hang out house.

What I did was embrace it. I volunteered to work the concession stand. I drove kids home who didn’t have rides if I had an empty seat in my car. I got to know everyone - coaches, ADs, teachers - so I had people to talk to. I stocked my freezer with frozen pizza and my pantry with brownie mix. I figured I could either be miserable and resentful or I could be part of things and enjoy the ride.

I was tired sometimes but my involvement and willingness to engage made for great relationships with my kids (and their friends) and lots of really fun memories. Youngest is now a college freshman and I’m still getting texts to see if I’m available when they are short on parent volunteers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is super social, but there is now way we would drive her to more than 2 social things a week.

Really?

Dp here. How many times a week for social visits do you think is appropriate? Between homework for school and their own activities, my kids wouldn’t have time for this, especially not during the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the other parents aren’t driving and you refuse to drive, wouldn’t they all miss out on the activity, and not just your kid?

That was my question too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is super social, but there is now way we would drive her to more than 2 social things a week.

Really?

Same poster and I guess there might be some scenario in which I drive her a little more, but it would be a one off, special case. That said, if I was going to pick her up from school on Tuesday and she says “we want to grab boba after school, could you pick me up an hour later,” I probably don’t “count” that. Frankly, picking her up later usually helps my work schedule.

But generally, she is busy during the week with school and activities. So most social stuff is on the weekend. And I definitely would not be driving her to away sports events all the time.

I will say that we host A LOT so that helps. She could have kids at our house most weekends. And lots of her friends carpool withr each other to our house. But, her other friend’s parents are happy to carpool generally.

[Anonymous]

Can you make car time a treat for yourself? I listen to audiobooks and play candy crush. It’s better than doing the dinner dishes or other house chores.

You could also consider setting her up with teen uber and a monthly allowance, telling her what you are willing to drive to, and letting her decide what it’s worth spending money on beyond that - especially if she’s going with friends. My teens sometimes take uber to sports practice together when DH and I can’t make it home in time and I told my older one (16) that I was only willing to drive to/from his GF’s house once a week. If he wanted to see her more than that she had to figure out rides or he had to spend his own money on uber. Seemed fair. Once I wasn’t his on-call driver he became a bit more thoughtful about when he really wanted to go out.