My young teen’s social life is killing me. I need mental coping strategies

[Anonymous]

My young teen has a very active social life, which I know is a good thing, but all three of her best friends have flaky or overwhelmed parents who can’t reliably help with logistics. So guess who ends up driving all the time?

Lately, with school events, football games, and other activities running late into the evening, I’m spending way too much time sitting in my car when I’m already exhausted from a full day. And then there are the extra kids in my house, in my car, it never ends. I’m the default chauffeur and hangout host.

I’ve tried coordinating with the other parents, but there’s always some reason they can’t help. So the choice becomes either I drive, or my daughter misses out, and I had a flaky mom growing up, so I really don’t want to be that mom. I’m committed, but I’m also burned out. Since I’ve pretty much accepted that this is the situation for now, I’m asking: how can I shift my mindset to make this feel less draining? I know this is “part of parenting,” but I’m feeling tapped out and resentful. How do I mentally reframe this so I can survive the next few years?

[Anonymous]

Where is the dad here? I used to watch Netflix in the car during practices. You could also get a babysitter to drive.

[Anonymous]

How old is she? What sort of activities are you driving her to? Do you have a spouse who can help?

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to your kid about it? And tell them how much you can do - two/three times a week - the rest of the week you can’t?

Get your kids other parent involved if you can, but it’s perfectly OK to put boundaries in place!

[Anonymous]

I would set limits and remember they will be driving soon. Maybe you can hire someone for something else.

[Anonymous]

Take a nap in the car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? What sort of activities are you driving her to? Do you have a spouse who can help?

My husband helps when he can, but we also have younger kids at home who aren’t old enough to stay alone, so we alternate. I’m running all over the place, to performing arts events, football games (both home and away, often twice a week for JV and varsity), and various social outings like trips to the mall, dinner, or just wandering around town. Sometimes I’m just the one bringing everyone home from a central spot. But no one ever offers to drive my daughter home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a nap in the car

I can’t nap that close to bedtime and then safely drive.

[Anonymous]

Is there no public transport where you live? If you live near a bus line or metro, she really should be getting around by herself, especially during the day. I grew up in NW DC and sometimes at night my parents would be me up or drop me off at the subway that was a mile away. Otherwise I was walking to the metro or taking the 30 bus. Sometimes I would take a cab. She needs to start getting around more by herself.

If you have no public transport, then tell her you will drive her X number of places a week and after that, she starts accruing babysitting hours she has to do in return for all your driving. And make it clear she may need to pay it forward to drive the little ones around once she has her license!

[Anonymous]

There are the parents who sacrifice themselves to support their children's social lives and activities, and then there are the parents who wish their children had that much energy. I am part of the latter group. My kids are homebody introverts without many friends and who refuse to run around doing tons of stuff. It makes my life easy. But sometimes I regret it's like this...

Funnily enough, I know more fathers than mothers who do the driving around! But it's always asymmetrical.

You can say no to certain things, of course, OP. Your health and sanity are paramount here.

[Anonymous]

If the other parents aren’t driving and you refuse to drive, wouldn’t they all miss out on the activity, and not just your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? What sort of activities are you driving her to? Do you have a spouse who can help?

My husband helps when he can, but we also have younger kids at home who aren’t old enough to stay alone, so we alternate. I’m running all over the place, to performing arts events, football games (both home and away, often twice a week for JV and varsity), and various social outings like trips to the mall, dinner, or just wandering around town. Sometimes I’m just the one bringing everyone home from a central spot. But no one ever offers to drive my daughter home.

Then you are the fool.

Prioritize and stop with the frequent mall and dinner trips.

[Anonymous]

Does she not have homework? Is this high school? Why is she going to every football game?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the other parents aren’t driving and you refuse to drive, wouldn’t they all miss out on the activity, and not just your kid?

Yeah, I’m not following, unless they all live in the same neighborhood except your kid or something. Doesn’t sound like that from your post.

[Anonymous]

With teens, the driving burden is often not entirely equal but this sounds excessive.

Odds are they have just gotten comfortable with you carrying the load. Start saying NO sometimes- or saying “Larla, I can drive you girls TO the game, but another parent will need to drive you home. Discuss amongst yourselves and LMK” because when the girls can’t attend odds are another parent will step up.

Aside from that, you just need to set at least some boundaries or you will go crazy.

Mom of 3 teens here.