My young teen’s social life is killing me. I need mental coping strategies

[Anonymous]

Is public transit an option? We live in further out Potomac and my kid takes the bus to Rockville Town Center and the mall sometimes. They started doing it in middle school when we lived in a more urban environment.

I get that it may feel different for a girl, but if they can at least get to your house and do it together would that be better?

Also, perhaps if the other families are too precious to put their daughters on public transit, this idea might make them suddenly free to drive? I know some families are like that.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re being weird and are too invested in your kid’s social life.

And I say that as a mom to a middle school child who very much values her social life. We carpool to sports, but aside from that I would only be willing to drive once or twice a week for social outings. My daughter knows this so she bikes around the neighborhood and hangs out with friends at their houses. I’m sure it would be more fun to have dinner dates and movie theater nights, but I can’t be an on call chauffeur for every whim. That’s not realistic. Plus it makes them appreciate when I do drive them places.

[Anonymous]

Why are they going to all these football games?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, just say no.

It's not healthy for a child to have this much power and influence and be so inconsiderate.

Agreed. You are teaching your daughter that her needs must be met at the expense of your needs. I think you could drive her to her sports and one social gathering a week. Next year, she needs to choose a single sport per season. You might enjoy reading Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, OP.

[Anonymous]

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? What sort of activities are you driving her to? Do you have a spouse who can help?

My husband helps when he can, but we also have younger kids at home who aren’t old enough to stay alone, so we alternate. I’m running all over the place, to performing arts events, football games (both home and away, often twice a week for JV and varsity), and various social outings like trips to the mall, dinner, or just wandering around town. Sometimes I’m just the one bringing everyone home from a central spot. But no one ever offers to drive my daughter home.

Away and JV games? Gurrrrlll no. Varsity home games, that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Offer to only pick them up after. If you drive them, they could call you and cry about being stranded.

[Anonymous]

Glutes

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I'd stop driving to any away games and any JV games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, just say no.

It's not healthy for a child to have this much power and influence and be so inconsiderate.

I don’t know if it’s inconsiderate. The child has no control over her friends’ parents situations. I don’t think it’s fair to say a child wants to socialize.

??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With teens, the driving burden is often not entirely equal but this sounds excessive.

Odds are they have just gotten comfortable with you carrying the load. Start saying NO sometimes- or saying “Larla, I can drive you girls TO the game, but another parent will need to drive you home. Discuss amongst yourselves and LMK” because when the girls can’t attend odds are another parent will step up.

Aside from that, you just need to set at least some boundaries or you will go crazy.

Mom of 3 teens here.

Agree with others that you should feel very comfortable limiting the number of these outings. Also, the bolded makes no sense, or you will still be driving both ways. When dealing with flakes, your only carpooling option is to be the parent who drives the home leg or refuses to drive at all.

[Anonymous]

It flies by. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

You asked for a reframe, I know you’re exhausted and if it would be help, just tell yourself that there are many parents who would pay a million to have a child socially connected like your daughter. If it helps, would that be a useful reframe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It flies by. Enjoy!

Seriously, what is wrong with you? This woman is saying she’s struggling and asking for help and that’s your answer. You’re either a man or the least sensitive, mean person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is super social, but there is now way we would drive her to more than 2 social things a week.

Agreed. Two is my limit as well. I drive enough for required things, so I have a limit for social outings. It's not like the kids are otherwise disconnected. They spend plenty of time on their devices with each other.