My young teen’s social life is killing me. I need mental coping strategies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the other parents aren’t driving and you refuse to drive, wouldn’t they all miss out on the activity, and not just your kid?

Yeah, I’m not following, unless they all live in the same neighborhood except your kid or something. Doesn’t sound like that from your post.

Well, yes! They plan things together, but it’s always only me (or DH) who can drive. I’m mainly thinking about DD, who wouldn’t have much of a social life if I didn’t agree to shuttle everyone around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there no public transport where you live? If you live near a bus line or metro, she really should be getting around by herself, especially during the day. I grew up in NW DC and sometimes at night my parents would be me up or drop me off at the subway that was a mile away. Otherwise I was walking to the metro or taking the 30 bus. Sometimes I would take a cab. She needs to start getting around more by herself.

If you have no public transport, then tell her you will drive her X number of places a week and after that, she starts accruing babysitting hours she has to do in return for all your driving. And make it clear she may need to pay it forward to drive the little ones around once she has her license!

Same. We live in DC, and my kids starting using the train and bus to commute in middle school. By high school I was letting them uber sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, just say no.

It's not healthy for a child to have this much power and influence and be so inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the other parents aren’t driving and you refuse to drive, wouldn’t they all miss out on the activity, and not just your kid?

Yeah, I’m not following, unless they all live in the same neighborhood except your kid or something. Doesn’t sound like that from your post.

Well, yes! They plan things together, but it’s always only me (or DH) who can drive. I’m mainly thinking about DD, who wouldn’t have much of a social life if I didn’t agree to shuttle everyone around.

How many days a week are you driving her? I think you’re letting your own childhood color your thought process here. There’s no way I’d be driving my kid to that many activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, just say no.

It's not healthy for a child to have this much power and influence and be so inconsiderate.

I don’t know if it’s inconsiderate. The child has no control over her friends’ parents situations. I don’t think it’s fair to say a child wants to socialize.

[Anonymous]

This is absurd going to every game

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is absurd going to every game

+1

JV and Varsity!

Some quiet time is good

[Anonymous]

You don’t say yes to everything. She can have a social life w/o doing every activity she asks for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t say yes to everything. She can have a social life w/o doing every activity she asks for.

+100

You can limit how many times a week
You will drive her.

And I can’t believe you are taking them somewhere so they can “just wander around” or go to the mall when she’s already doing a bunch of other things.

It’s not being flaky to say no!

[Anonymous]

Explain that you're exhausted and while you had a flaky mom so you feel for these girls who have them now and you don't want them to go through what you went through, something has to give. Ask DD for a couple of ideas that feel like a good balance to her - she gets to socialized and do her fun things, but you also decrease all the driving and waiting. See what she comes up with - kids can be really creative.

[Anonymous]

My kid is super social, but there is now way we would drive her to more than 2 social things a week.

[Anonymous]

Just say NO. You don't have to say no to everything. But you also don't have to take her to every game, every mall trip, every dinner outing. Just say NO.

[Anonymous]

When does your daughter do homework? She doesn’t need to do something every day after school. Tell her you can only drive to X number of things in a week. She will have to pick and choose - surely she can skip some of the away games. If you say no, maybe another parent will step up and drive.

[Anonymous]

I say this as someone who is working on setting boundaries - you need to start setting boundaries both with your child and the other parents. I have found that if you offer to be the sacrificial lamb, there are people who are more than willing to take you up on it. I was in a similar position to you OP and it was stressing me out and causing resentment. When I started saying "no" there was some initial kickback and now things are fine. The true friends stuck around.

[Anonymous]

My waiting in the car time is for - reading, watching downloaded shows, answering emails, working, phone conversations with old friends who live elsewhere, podcasts, taking a walk - I love that time.

Would any of those activities be appealing?