Perfect guy, sex life sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met the man of my dreams a few weeks ago and it’s been heaven. I’m happier than I’ve been in years, and even though it’s new, I could see myself marrying him (something I never thought I’d do).

However - we just can’t seem to get aligned sexually. We do have sex, and it’s fine, but there’s no real passion. It often feels mechanical and like we’re going through the motions. Like we’re just trying to get off as fast as possible. We do kiss and do foreplay, but I just don’t feel any real passion behind it from him, which is killing my passion for him.

A couple things that may also be going on is that he’s very goofy overall, so when it comes to sex, I really never know if he’s going to do something like start talking in a silly voice (which is a huge turn off for me). The other is that before him, I dated a man I wasn’t compatible with but we had the most intense sex life, it was extremely primal and passionate.

I don’t want to lose a great guy, but I’m at a loss on what to do. It’s not just requesting specific acts; I can ask for XYZ and he’ll do it, but the *feeling* just isn’t there.

As I was reading the second paragraph I started thinking “I bet she’s been dating someone just for sex. Probably a Tinder guy where there’s a ton of chemistry, a large member and not much else”. Then I saw the third paragraph.

I think this is one of the flaws of FWB’s. Dating someone just for sex allows you to choose someone who’s really really perfect for that one thing. No well-rounded, relationship material person will ever be able to compete at that one aspect. The frustration you’re feeling is likely partly resentment over having to give up the Tinder guy. Resentment kills relationships so its not a good start.

You could take a pass at talking to the new guy about being more dominant and less cutesy in the bedroom but at the end of the day the resentment may still tint your view of the experience. To me, it doesn’t sound like you’re done with the Tinder guy yet. How long have you been seeing him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met the man of my dreams a few weeks ago and it’s been heaven. I’m happier than I’ve been in years, and even though it’s new, I could see myself marrying him (something I never thought I’d do).

However - we just can’t seem to get aligned sexually. We do have sex, and it’s fine, but there’s no real passion. It often feels mechanical and like we’re going through the motions. Like we’re just trying to get off as fast as possible. We do kiss and do foreplay, but I just don’t feel any real passion behind it from him, which is killing my passion for him.

A couple things that may also be going on is that he’s very goofy overall, so when it comes to sex, I really never know if he’s going to do something like start talking in a silly voice (which is a huge turn off for me). The other is that before him, I dated a man I wasn’t compatible with but we had the most intense sex life, it was extremely primal and passionate.

I don’t want to lose a great guy, but I’m at a loss on what to do. It’s not just requesting specific acts; I can ask for XYZ and he’ll do it, but the *feeling* just isn’t there.

You've watched too much porn and expect your sex life to be like what you see on screen. Don't do that.

[Anonymous]

I’m not OP but the above comments are just plain wrong about Tinder Guy and port . I experienced exciting sex in long term relationships so it’s just works with some men and doesn’t work with (majority) of others
There are only that much real matches for every woman out there. Every nice guy won’t be a match for OP - that would make the task of finding love way too easy. And we all know it’s not easy

Good luck OP - release him back in the pool

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's a bit insecure in bed. Or, he sees sex as something silly. You are incompatible in bed. Maybe there are women out there who don't mind the goofiness in bed, but you don't like it (and neither do I).

[Anonymous]

You may want to check out Alexey Welsh channel on YouTube.

He has an atypical approach. Maybe there are specific videos you can send to your guy that might be helpful.

For example:

https://youtu.be/3C3IJkvz-JQ?si=qrongAHy6IigkIsv

YMMV. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t place so much emphasis on sex.

You say this but let's just say things don't improve and op marries him 3 then she comes her unsatisfied you'll be first to say didn't you have sex before marriage!!!

This.

[Anonymous]

Op it’s good you realize this.

I realized too late that I was the alpha / teacher in bed and life in late 20s relationship and married the guy. Then everything unraveled and the sx is terrible unless I do my thing. Lead. Which is not attractive to me while I also road the house, kids, messes, schedule, my own job, coddle him with his job demands, etc.

I dream of my college love, where in that trusted relationship we co-lead and tag teamed everything - sx, cooking, traveling, studying, growing as people.

Net/net— try to figure out what he’s adding to the relationship, to sx, to your life now, bc it will help not go downhill from there. And make sure it’s not YOU doing all the work and him bidding and tagging along- in the bed, in the kitchen, in the planning, in the talking.

That $hit gets utterly exhausting once more adult responsibilities get layered on. If one person is doing everything and the other sits around waiting to be summoned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he's a bit insecure in bed. Or, he sees sex as something silly. You are incompatible in bed. Maybe there are women out there who don't mind the goofiness in bed, but you don't like it (and neither do I).

The goofiness is odd.

Most likely it’s due to an immaturity and cluelessness. I’d be concerned that’s how he handles most things.

I don’t buy the whole I’m insecure so I act goofy cope. But then again I like witty, clever sexy people.

[Anonymous]

Man reading the posts and replies on scum is depressing as hell from a man’s perspective. Women are entitled to a perfect man in all aspects, but a guy has to be perfect or tolerate whatever she gives him until she leaves him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's not the one for you

Yep. But I would at least give him one last chance to do the things that you may want or need. Do you want him to toss your salad or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will never be happy. You have a basically-perfect relationship, including a decent sex life, but it's not 100% perfect all around so you're going to nitpick it to death.

You're the reason for your own unhappiness, and should get that looked at.

You have low standards and give terrible advice.

Expecting a man to fulfill all your wishes and please you in bed and provide for you and... and... and... is some fairytale fsckshit. If OP isn't strong enough/smart enough to sort this out, then she's 100% complicit in her own unhappiness. The pathological need for perfection is a character defect she should probably take to a therapist. Sorry that triggers you. If it makes you mad, you've got it bad. Maybe you should stop lashing out at randoms and try taking the advice?

Go argue with your therapist. Like I said, you have low standards and give terrible advice.

Maybe take how triggered you are by this anon pp's suggestion to your own therapist, since you're the one with the problem, but also seem to think you have all the answers? What a clown.

[Anonymous]

Wow, so she can't work with him to help him learn what she wants and likes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's not the one for you

Yep. But I would at least give him one last chance to do the things that you may want or need. Do you want him to toss your salad or something?

Before she gives him “one last chance”, she needs to look in the mirror and ask herself whether she’s a super-sloot in bed or the typical starfish.

[Anonymous]

… expecting him to do all the work.

[Anonymous]

This is why women end up 35, childless and desperate, then 45, childless and bitter.