Perfect guy, sex life sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met the man of my dreams a few weeks ago and it’s been heaven. I’m happier than I’ve been in years, and even though it’s new, I could see myself marrying him (something I never thought I’d do).

However - we just can’t seem to get aligned sexually. We do have sex, and it’s fine, but there’s no real passion. It often feels mechanical and like we’re going through the motions. Like we’re just trying to get off as fast as possible. We do kiss and do foreplay, but I just don’t feel any real passion behind it from him, which is killing my passion for him.

A couple things that may also be going on is that he’s very goofy overall, so when it comes to sex, I really never know if he’s going to do something like start talking in a silly voice (which is a huge turn off for me). The other is that before him, I dated a man I wasn’t compatible with but we had the most intense sex life, it was extremely primal and passionate.

I don’t want to lose a great guy, but I’m at a loss on what to do. It’s not just requesting specific acts; I can ask for XYZ and he’ll do it, but the *feeling* just isn’t there.

Too much too soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will never be happy. You have a basically-perfect relationship, including a decent sex life, but it's not 100% perfect all around so you're going to nitpick it to death.

You're the reason for your own unhappiness, and should get that looked at.

You have low standards and give terrible advice.

Expecting a man to fulfill all your wishes and please you in bed and provide for you and... and... and... is some fairytale fsckshit. If OP isn't strong enough/smart enough to sort this out, then she's 100% complicit in her own unhappiness. The pathological need for perfection is a character defect she should probably take to a therapist. Sorry that triggers you. If it makes you mad, you've got it bad. Maybe you should stop lashing out at randoms and try taking the advice?

[Anonymous]

There's no feeling or passion because you barely know each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met the man of my dreams a few weeks ago and it’s been heaven. I’m happier than I’ve been in years, and even though it’s new, I could see myself marrying him (something I never thought I’d do).

However - we just can’t seem to get aligned sexually. We do have sex, and it’s fine, but there’s no real passion. It often feels mechanical and like we’re going through the motions. Like we’re just trying to get off as fast as possible. We do kiss and do foreplay, but I just don’t feel any real passion behind it from him, which is killing my passion for him.

A couple things that may also be going on is that he’s very goofy overall, so when it comes to sex, I really never know if he’s going to do something like start talking in a silly voice (which is a huge turn off for me). The other is that before him, I dated a man I wasn’t compatible with but we had the most intense sex life, it was extremely primal and passionate.

I don’t want to lose a great guy, but I’m at a loss on what to do. It’s not just requesting specific acts; I can ask for XYZ and he’ll do it, but the *feeling* just isn’t there.

Too much too soon.

Right? A few weeks in and she's thinking marriage but also surprised he's not "passionate" for her. What sort of drunken hookup "passion" is she expecting? Desire begins in the mind. If you barely know someone, you really shouldn't expect to feel passion for them, nor expect that they'd be passionate about you. He's "goofy" aka playful, and rather than just going with that and having some fun, she wants him to be her personal romance novel loverman.

It's batshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no feeling or passion because you barely know each other.

That.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the most difficult things I’ve learned in dating post divorce as a woman is to let go really nice men who were not sexually compatible with me. I felt like I was committing self rape for the sake of not being alone.
I’m well aware how compatibility feels and I experienced it with 4 partners . It’s very rare for me and it’s a complex combination of behavioral, social and physical traits

NP. Can you speak more to this and what you learned?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the most difficult things I’ve learned in dating post divorce as a woman is to let go really nice men who were not sexually compatible with me. I felt like I was committing self rape for the sake of not being alone.
I’m well aware how compatibility feels and I experienced it with 4 partners . It’s very rare for me and it’s a complex combination of behavioral, social and physical traits

NP. Can you speak more to this and what you learned?

I have a physical “type”, I’m visual. I tried to date men who were not my type when they treated me very nice, but I just couldn’t get aroused when it got to the sex.

Also he needs to have a certain depth and not misogynistic. Chemistry takes 4-5 dates to build : going places, talking about things, listening to music together.

When sex was rushed (2-3 dates) without doing something meaningful before that, it affected things negatively long term in my head. As if he got exposed too soon, and I was never able to grow into them after. It became too mechanical too soon, not romantic and these encounters were meaningless to me.

[Anonymous]

If having great sex is important to you it's not going to work but if, like many women, sex is not that important then you can probably work it out eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’ve gone directly to the middle-aged, old married couple stage without ever experiencing a few years of the really fun, passionate sexy young lovers stage. I wouldn’t do it. You’ll need something to look back on later to remember the passion and compatibility used to be there before you settle into a more complacent stage. Without it there will always be “what if” questions and you’ll feel like you settled for something less than you deserved.

I couldn’t agree with this more. It sounds like sex is important to you. If you don’t break up, you will be disappointed on the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this was basically me and my now spouse. Both kids on the spectrum, husband refused to get diagnosed but therapists have said pretty clearly he’s got ASD in the picture. I think the not really ‘feeling’ it and the goofy voices are signs you’re noticing something is off. We have not had sex at all in years now. If it’s not working for you in early stages it will 100000000000% go downhill if you marry and add kids into the mix.

Yes, good one. The sex is mediocre, so obviously OP's boyfriend must be on the spectrum. Because you had a certain experience, it must be generalizable.

[Anonymous]

Try THC first; might help you guys loosen up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will never be happy. You have a basically-perfect relationship, including a decent sex life, but it's not 100% perfect all around so you're going to nitpick it to death.

You're the reason for your own unhappiness, and should get that looked at.

You have low standards and give terrible advice.

Expecting a man to fulfill all your wishes and please you in bed and provide for you and... and... and... is some fairytale fsckshit. If OP isn't strong enough/smart enough to sort this out, then she's 100% complicit in her own unhappiness. The pathological need for perfection is a character defect she should probably take to a therapist. Sorry that triggers you. If it makes you mad, you've got it bad. Maybe you should stop lashing out at randoms and try taking the advice?

Go argue with your therapist. Like I said, you have low standards and give terrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try THC first; might help you guys loosen up

I am totally against drugs and alcohol but this may actually be worth a shot in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try THC first; might help you guys loosen up

I am totally against drugs and alcohol but this may actually be worth a shot in this case.

What's wrong with some of you weirdos on this board? If you have to take drugs to make sex with a man tolerable, it's time to MOVE ON. Why are you so pathetic that you can't imagine leaving?

[Anonymous]

start talking in a silly voice (which is a huge turn off for me)


I think you have a communication problem. Have you told him this is a turn off? Have you told him what you like? Slower? Faster? Move your hand further up? Further down? Etc? Imagine if you talked with him, showed him, taught him what you liked and wanted, were honest with him, how much better it could be