If your spouse works a lot, how do you manage expectations about your own availability?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Einstein had to divorce his wife and abandon his kids to do his work. He ended up marrying his cousin who catered to his life 24/7/365. Different people have different priorities.

Einstein also had public affairs with a procession of women and openly stated that he didn’t believe in the concept of monogamy. What’s your point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean to imply that he never spends time with us. He makes it to most of the kids games and will generally make it to like an extended family event or social event. But some weekends he ends up doing work after the kids are asleep or not feeling great because he didn’t sleep enough all week especially if he traveled. We do often spend time together one weekend night but he (and I) would prefer more. I think I have been doing more on my own lately as I have basically assumed he isn’t available most of the time and I have he doesn’t like that.

If he would prefer more, he would make it happen. Let that sink in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you can afford it .. Hire help...ASAP
Your marriage will thank you.

Short of a live in nanny who gets up with the kids, how would that help?

Ma’am hire that help ..
Then come back and tell us all how it’s going

OP here and we do have some help. I have help with cleaners and get groceries delivered and a lot of other one off type help. I’m actually not resentful really- I mostly feel bad for him that he’s missing out so much . I like my kids and unlike what I hear from some other families my kids are actually best behaved for me. We have not had success with babysitters and I ended up feeling resentful that I couldn’t figure that out and he wanted it to work so he did not have to feel guilty but didn’t help figure it out. I do think we will need more help if the kids do more activities in a few years. I dread trying to figure that out.

We have some help from local family but we have had to cancel date nights because stuff has come up with his work on short notice and it’s frustrating. I have a VERY mommy tracked job but have considered cutting back even more. I actually feel like I am finding a decent balance, he’s just not a very big part of it in like a spouse role if that makes sense. If he has an hour to not work we spend it as a family; we both agree that has to be a big priority.

I mean, what does he do for a living? If he has an hour to not work? Are you serious? Also, it doesn't sound like he's prioritizing your family much at all. It sounds more like you're trying to convince yourself of it by saying things like that but then you give the facts and they indicate otherwise...

[Anonymous]

The DH sounds like a big firm lawyer.

He needs to understand that you have a TON going on, just like he does. Schedule time together. If you schedule time with your friends and obligations and he schedules time with his client, then he can schedule time with you too.

Maybe it is a TV show at home. Maybe it is a dinner out. Or perhaps he picks up takeout for you two on a Friday night while you cook something simple for the kids and feed them early, then send the kids to watch a movie. Maybe you take Larlo to soccer on a Saturday AM and he meets you there with bagels and coffee.

If he misses it because the motion needed to be revised or the expert report needed work, then he reschedules with you. He can't expect that you don't have your day somewhat planned out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you can afford it .. Hire help...ASAP
Your marriage will thank you.

Short of a live in nanny who gets up with the kids, how would that help?

Ma’am hire that help ..
Then come back and tell us all how it’s going

OP here and we do have some help. I have help with cleaners and get groceries delivered and a lot of other one off type help. I’m actually not resentful really- I mostly feel bad for him that he’s missing out so much . I like my kids and unlike what I hear from some other families my kids are actually best behaved for me. We have not had success with babysitters and I ended up feeling resentful that I couldn’t figure that out and he wanted it to work so he did not have to feel guilty but didn’t help figure it out. I do think we will need more help if the kids do more activities in a few years. I dread trying to figure that out.

We have some help from local family but we have had to cancel date nights because stuff has come up with his work on short notice and it’s frustrating. I have a VERY mommy tracked job but have considered cutting back even more. I actually feel like I am finding a decent balance, he’s just not a very big part of it in like a spouse role if that makes sense. If he has an hour to not work we spend it as a family; we both agree that has to be a big priority.

I mean, what does he do for a living? If he has an hour to not work? Are you serious? Also, it doesn't sound like he's prioritizing your family much at all. It sounds more like you're trying to convince yourself of it by saying things like that but then you give the facts and they indicate otherwise...

Seriously. And he doesn't earn enough that you can quit your job, and he doesn't have job security? What is this bizarre employment arrangement?

OP, as others have said, open your eyes. If he wants marriage but only 100% at his convenience, he doesn't really want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The DH sounds like a big firm lawyer.

He needs to understand that you have a TON going on, just like he does. Schedule time together. If you schedule time with your friends and obligations and he schedules time with his client, then he can schedule time with you too.

Maybe it is a TV show at home. Maybe it is a dinner out. Or perhaps he picks up takeout for you two on a Friday night while you cook something simple for the kids and feed them early, then send the kids to watch a movie. Maybe you take Larlo to soccer on a Saturday AM and he meets you there with bagels and coffee.

If he misses it because the motion needed to be revised or the expert report needed work, then he reschedules with you. He can't expect that you don't have your day somewhat planned out!

No, Big law would mean more pay and more job security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you can afford it .. Hire help...ASAP
Your marriage will thank you.

Short of a live in nanny who gets up with the kids, how would that help?

Ma’am hire that help ..
Then come back and tell us all how it’s going

OP here and we do have some help. I have help with cleaners and get groceries delivered and a lot of other one off type help. I’m actually not resentful really- I mostly feel bad for him that he’s missing out so much . I like my kids and unlike what I hear from some other families my kids are actually best behaved for me. We have not had success with babysitters and I ended up feeling resentful that I couldn’t figure that out and he wanted it to work so he did not have to feel guilty but didn’t help figure it out. I do think we will need more help if the kids do more activities in a few years. I dread trying to figure that out.

We have some help from local family but we have had to cancel date nights because stuff has come up with his work on short notice and it’s frustrating. I have a VERY mommy tracked job but have considered cutting back even more. I actually feel like I am finding a decent balance, he’s just not a very big part of it in like a spouse role if that makes sense. If he has an hour to not work we spend it as a family; we both agree that has to be a big priority.

I mean, what does he do for a living? If he has an hour to not work? Are you serious? Also, it doesn't sound like he's prioritizing your family much at all. It sounds more like you're trying to convince yourself of it by saying things like that but then you give the facts and they indicate otherwise...

Seriously. And he doesn't earn enough that you can quit your job, and he doesn't have job security? What is this bizarre employment arrangement?

OP, as others have said, open your eyes. If he wants marriage but only 100% at his convenience, he doesn't really want it.

First I thought doctor, then lawyer, now I think it's tech or a startup. Somewhere like Amazon where you work ALL the time and can make a bunch of money but be laid off tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

My sister’s marriage counselor told her workaholic husband something like the following:

“I don’t know if your wife will divorce you or not. But if you keep doing this, she and the kids are going to create a parallel life that you simply aren’t a part of. You can maybe pop in from time to time, but you will just be a visitor.”

Apparently this resonated with him, and he made some incremental changes.

It doesn’t sound like your husband has a particularly “big” job. Apparently, he either has had a major boundary problem or he just doesn’t want to be at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would tell him straight out "I am not available 24/7 for you to come in and out of family life as you please. I have a schedule too. We can talk about you changing jobs."

NP. I said this, pretty much. DH’s response to my pushback: filed for divorce without warning.

I live in a state outside the dmv that favors 50:50 and flexing custody around the higher earners’ schedule, especially if they travel erratically and frequently for work. If anything, my life now revolves around his schedule more than ever before. It’s a trap either way. I wish I could give better advice but that’s my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you can afford it .. Hire help...ASAP
Your marriage will thank you.

Short of a live in nanny who gets up with the kids, how would that help?

Ma’am hire that help ..
Then come back and tell us all how it’s going

OP here and we do have some help. I have help with cleaners and get groceries delivered and a lot of other one off type help. I’m actually not resentful really- I mostly feel bad for him that he’s missing out so much . I like my kids and unlike what I hear from some other families my kids are actually best behaved for me. We have not had success with babysitters and I ended up feeling resentful that I couldn’t figure that out and he wanted it to work so he did not have to feel guilty but didn’t help figure it out. I do think we will need more help if the kids do more activities in a few years. I dread trying to figure that out.

We have some help from local family but we have had to cancel date nights because stuff has come up with his work on short notice and it’s frustrating. I have a VERY mommy tracked job but have considered cutting back even more. I actually feel like I am finding a decent balance, he’s just not a very big part of it in like a spouse role if that makes sense. If he has an hour to not work we spend it as a family; we both agree that has to be a big priority.

I mean, what does he do for a living? If he has an hour to not work? Are you serious? Also, it doesn't sound like he's prioritizing your family much at all. It sounds more like you're trying to convince yourself of it by saying things like that but then you give the facts and they indicate otherwise...

Seriously. And he doesn't earn enough that you can quit your job, and he doesn't have job security? What is this bizarre employment arrangement?

OP, as others have said, open your eyes. If he wants marriage but only 100% at his convenience, he doesn't really want it.

First I thought doctor, then lawyer, now I think it's tech or a startup. Somewhere like Amazon where you work ALL the time and can make a bunch of money but be laid off tomorrow.

Actually it sounds like being a Senator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My hunch is that he’s the primary breadwinner by far and you work for “fulfillment.” In that case you’re hurting your family life and married life and need to quit.

That’s not accurate. He does earn more than I do but my salary is a very significant percentage of our HHI and my job is very stable so he doesn’t want me to quit (his field is a lot more volatile).

You are right. Fulfillment is a terrible idea for a woman and she should just concentrate on her kids if putting food in the table isn't a concern, who cares about what makes her happy "?

[Anonymous]

I just gave up work and put the kids first. It sucks but for me it felt like the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just gave up work and put the kids first. It sucks but for me it felt like the right thing to do.

OP here but I truly don’t understand what this has to do with my post? Are you saying my husband should quit his job because he can’t manage boundaries? Or I, who spends a ton of time with my kids and have carved out a flexible, well paying job that allows me to be with them the majority of the time they are not in school, should quit my job and be available to my husband on call…for my kids somehow?

I earn a good salary and have job security because I have a lot of technical knowledge in a fast moving industry. I am very in demand now, but it would only take a few years out of the industry for that to no longer be the case. I would absolutely do it if my kids needed it, but they don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister’s marriage counselor told her workaholic husband something like the following:

“I don’t know if your wife will divorce you or not. But if you keep doing this, she and the kids are going to create a parallel life that you simply aren’t a part of. You can maybe pop in from time to time, but you will just be a visitor.”

Apparently this resonated with him, and he made some incremental changes.

It doesn’t sound like your husband has a particularly “big” job. Apparently, he either has had a major boundary problem or he just doesn’t want to be at home.

That’s a good summation, honestly. He’s made some effort and I do appreciate it. I think it’s hard to portray accurately his level of involvement. Like we might have family dinner 3-4 nights a week but on a weekday I might not know this is one of the nights he won’t be home until 30 minutes before we eat. He does have dinner with us about 90 percent of weekend nights, if he’s not traveling and generally makes it to things like important games and performances. He has a good relationship with the kids but I am the one that they count on, if that makes sense.

When I said he’s missing out, I didn’t just mean the kids and me. I mean he doesn’t have friends, he doesn’t exercise, he doesn’t do any of the things I might be doing instead of waiting around for him.

It’s funny to see the speculation around what kind of work he does. Does it matter? I strongly suspect he has terrible time management skills and that’s a big contributor to so many things being an emergency. But I don’t really know. We have very different jobs. Again he’s actually a good person and very smart and interesting to talk to. But yea things work best when I am not trying to plan around him too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My hunch is that he’s the primary breadwinner by far and you work for “fulfillment.” In that case you’re hurting your family life and married life and need to quit.

That’s not accurate. He does earn more than I do but my salary is a very significant percentage of our HHI and my job is very stable so he doesn’t want me to quit (his field is a lot more volatile).

You are right. Fulfillment is a terrible idea for a woman and she should just concentrate on her kids if putting food in the table isn't a concern, who cares about what makes her happy "?

I know, right. Women don't need to use their brains anyway. Just let all the synapses rot away while you spend most of your time doing menial tasks to make everyone else happy. Then, when your selfish husband is sufficiently bored with you, he will move on, probably with a woman at work.