If your spouse works a lot, how do you manage expectations about your own availability?

[Anonymous]

My husband works a lot and unpredictable hours. I work, but less and do the vast majority of the childcare and housework. I have expressed my preference for him to work less and earn less repeatedly but have generally made peace that this is how it’s going to be. So I am basically on call for the kids 24/7 (one has SN) and will occasionally need to catch up on my own work in the evening if I’ve been out a lot for appointments. I also tend to wake up early to exercise and am the one to get up with kids if they wake up early. My husband routinely has nights he works very late (past midnight) and then the next night he might crash as soon as the kids are asleep. But he gets frustrated if he randomly has a night he’s not working or exhausted and I am not available, either because I am tired from a super early wake up or have a call scheduled with a friend or something like that. Increasingly it’s hard to shake the feeling he expects me to just be available and waiting for him at all times. I have tried asking that we pick one night he won’t work so I can make sure I’m available but he doesn’t feel he can commit to that. I still find him fun and interesting and I know he’s trying to prioritize our kids in his own way but I am tired of being blamed for us not spending time together when the majority of the time it’s his work that’s in the way. I know There are a lot of spouses that work a lot on here - how do you manage this?

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it .. Hire help...ASAP
Your marriage will thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If you can afford it .. Hire help...ASAP
Your marriage will thank you.

Short of a live in nanny who gets up with the kids, how would that help?

[Anonymous]

Honestly I would tell him straight out "I am not available 24/7 for you to come in and out of family life as you please. I have a schedule too. We can talk about you changing jobs."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would tell him straight out "I am not available 24/7 for you to come in and out of family life as you please. I have a schedule too. We can talk about you changing jobs."

This.

[Anonymous]

You should schedule date nights (or date breakfasts, or whatever) and he needs to keep the appointment. If he can't, schedule couple's therapy.

I think most families should have a regular household meeting with all members old enough to have commitments (maybe your kids are too young, but ES and up) about what's on the calendar, who is doing what or has to be where. Your DH should have be aware of all the family life he's absent from / sticking you with.

[Anonymous]

If he can't even commit to Saturday nights, he is the problem.

[Anonymous]

No housework. Less tired.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I didn’t mean to imply that he never spends time with us. He makes it to most of the kids games and will generally make it to like an extended family event or social event. But some weekends he ends up doing work after the kids are asleep or not feeling great because he didn’t sleep enough all week especially if he traveled. We do often spend time together one weekend night but he (and I) would prefer more. I think I have been doing more on my own lately as I have basically assumed he isn’t available most of the time and I have he doesn’t like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean to imply that he never spends time with us. He makes it to most of the kids games and will generally make it to like an extended family event or social event. But some weekends he ends up doing work after the kids are asleep or not feeling great because he didn’t sleep enough all week especially if he traveled. We do often spend time together one weekend night but he (and I) would prefer more. I think I have been doing more on my own lately as I have basically assumed he isn’t available most of the time and I have he doesn’t like that.

Well, if he wants it that badly, he needs to set some boundaries and get his work under control. This is a him problem, truly.

Stop believing his work must completely dominate your lives. He's choosing to allow that. He needs to set boundaries and he is choosing not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean to imply that he never spends time with us. He makes it to most of the kids games and will generally make it to like an extended family event or social event. But some weekends he ends up doing work after the kids are asleep or not feeling great because he didn’t sleep enough all week especially if he traveled. We do often spend time together one weekend night but he (and I) would prefer more. I think I have been doing more on my own lately as I have basically assumed he isn’t available most of the time and I have he doesn’t like that.

He doesn’t like that you do things on your own when he is not available?

He is making the choice to prioritize work and money over family and this is the result. One answer might be to get additional household help but that’s maybe not the answer if your kids need a parent. The only thing I can think of is maybe getting childcare a few nights a week so you can exercise in the evening instead of the AM.

But yeah otherwise - boundaries. “sorry, I am tired because I was up at 5am with the sick kid.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean to imply that he never spends time with us. He makes it to most of the kids games and will generally make it to like an extended family event or social event. But some weekends he ends up doing work after the kids are asleep or not feeling great because he didn’t sleep enough all week especially if he traveled. We do often spend time together one weekend night but he (and I) would prefer more. I think I have been doing more on my own lately as I have basically assumed he isn’t available most of the time and I have he doesn’t like that.

Being honest, most people I know with kids and both working full-time time and the DH has a very demanding high-paying either the DW goes part-time or full-time stay at home, they have an au pair, and/or they have parents willing to help out sometimes a combination.

Be upfront with your DH that you are each working a job and a half - you are on 24-7 with kids plus a job and he works overtime and travels for his job. If he wants to create more opportunities where you both have downtime when he is available, you need a solution that either increases his availability or predictably of when he is available or he helps to come up with a solution that increase your availability by getting more help. As they say, you can’t get blood from a stone.

[Anonymous]

My kids are teens now, but I could have written your post five or ten years ago. It was really a failure of empathy. He just didn’t understand what my life was like.

The main thing that helped me was having a lot of friends who were married to men and women in his field or other similar unpredictable jobs. It just made the craziness of living this kind of lifestyle bearable. People who have normal jobs and are married to other people with normal jobs just kind of feel sorry for you or think you are crazy. Even people with spouses who travel for work generally know when they will be gone and when they will be home. It’s nice to have friends who understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If you can afford it .. Hire help...ASAP
Your marriage will thank you.

+1. My dad worked a lot growing up and my mom had her own career that was more flexible but she was very ambitious and in addition to taking on a lot at work, never hired help at home (besides house cleaners) despite being able to afford it. Don’t be a martyr! Get some help!

Or quit your job. My husbands job is more demanding than mine and we have three kids, one of whom has some SN.

I want to be the default parent. My team at work is going to be dissolved in the near term and after that, I will probably try being a sahm for bit. My husband needs to focus on work because he earns more than I do, and I prefer to focus on the kids - balance is becoming unsustainable with decreasing flexibility and RTO.

Hire help or cut back at work. Or both. Enjoy your life.

[Anonymous]

When work life and family life was demanding when our kids were young, we solely did day dates. Once a month we would grab breakfast together. It was all we could do but we had the best time. Then we decided that I would stay home and things have been much better since then.