If your spouse works a lot, how do you manage expectations about your own availability?
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Anonymous
OP here and we do have some help. I have help with cleaners and get groceries delivered and a lot of other one off type help. I’m actually not resentful really- I mostly feel bad for him that he’s missing out so much . I like my kids and unlike what I hear from some other families my kids are actually best behaved for me. We have not had success with babysitters and I ended up feeling resentful that I couldn’t figure that out and he wanted it to work so he did not have to feel guilty but didn’t help figure it out. I do think we will need more help if the kids do more activities in a few years. I dread trying to figure that out. We have some help from local family but we have had to cancel date nights because stuff has come up with his work on short notice and it’s frustrating. I have a VERY mommy tracked job but have considered cutting back even more. I actually feel like I am finding a decent balance, he’s just not a very big part of it in like a spouse role if that makes sense. If he has an hour to not work we spend it as a family; we both agree that has to be a big priority. |
Anonymous
Get a nanny. I have a sibling who has 3 kids under 6 and is a pilot and their spouse also has a big job and they manage. You have to prioritize finding the right nanny and paying them well, and get really good at outsourcing as much as possible. Have your cleaners do your laundry. Have your nanny do the kids' laundry and bring in the groceries and meal prep for dinner if the kids are occupied. |
Anonymous
You need to open your eyes. You say you feel bad for him, but does *he* feel bad for himself that he's "missing out" so much? If he really wanted it to work and felt guilty, he would have helped to figure it out! It sounds like he's pretty happy with the way things are, he just wants more s*x and attention from you-- but only when it's convenient for him, and your schedule is his last priority. |
Anonymous
| My hunch is that he’s the primary breadwinner by far and you work for “fulfillment.” In that case you’re hurting your family life and married life and need to quit. |
Anonymous
That’s not accurate. He does earn more than I do but my salary is a very significant percentage of our HHI and my job is very stable so he doesn’t want me to quit (his field is a lot more volatile). |
Anonymous
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It sounds like he's got you convinced that he's Mr. Super Duper Important Meeting Man, so that you'll handle everything he finds boring and basically cater to him 24/7 while he dips in and out of marriage and family life at his convenience and with no responsibility. I don't know why you would believe this. It's classic male avoidance. What on earth is he doing that's so incredibly important that he can't even guarantee you Saturday nights from 9 to 10 pm? He is telling you loud and clear that you are not a priority, and you're making every excuse you can think of because you don't want to face it.
You'll say that other people just don't get it, they just don't understand this kind of job. Well, maybe. But what I don't understand is why anyone, man or woman, would sign up for this lifestyle. |
Anonymous
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First of all, I applaud you for taking time for yourself given what sounds like a very busy schedule you have with a job and being the primary parent. That is so important.
It saddens me that your DH however doesn't value that. It suggests at minimum that he is not cognizant of your needs, or worse that he simply doesn't care about them. It is fundamentally inconsiderate for him to get upset at YOU for not being available for him on call. You need to explain to him that since he is so rarely available, it is not fair for him to ask you to drop everything when he is available. Either he wants to spend time with you and he commits to it, or he accepts that this is a difficult season of life for your marriage and he is going to have to accept that. |
Anonymous
| OP, it seems you've become comfortable in your parallel lives and don't really want to spend time with him. If didn't want to muss out on rare opportunity to spend time with him, you'll not mind cancelling on optional activities. You've developed resentment and this is your form of rebellion. It's justified but it would erode your relationship even faster. |
Anonymous
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I feel you OP. Very similar setup, but fewer kids. I don’t think his expectation is fair, but speaking from experience I don’t think you’re going to convince him otherwise. I’ve found 2 things that work:
1.) let the chores slide. If he’s free suddenly, ignore the dishes and laundry and just cuddle and watch TV. 2.) Day dates with friends. Most of my friends are in similar situations, so we make breakfast dates. My DH does the same thing. It’s not fair, and I’m sorry. |
Anonymous
| Einstein had to divorce his wife and abandon his kids to do his work. He ended up marrying his cousin who catered to his life 24/7/365. Different people have different priorities. |
Anonymous
Nope. |
Anonymous
lol I’m sure OP’s DH is the next Einstein. |
Anonymous
TIL kids need sperm. 
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Anonymous
And if you can't afford to hire help when he works like that, something has to give. That is literally the only benefit to working that hard. |
Anonymous
+1000 Honestly, OP, your husband sounds like a selfish prick. |