If your spouse works a lot, how do you manage expectations about your own availability?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister’s marriage counselor told her workaholic husband something like the following:

“I don’t know if your wife will divorce you or not. But if you keep doing this, she and the kids are going to create a parallel life that you simply aren’t a part of. You can maybe pop in from time to time, but you will just be a visitor.”

Apparently this resonated with him, and he made some incremental changes.

It doesn’t sound like your husband has a particularly “big” job. Apparently, he either has had a major boundary problem or he just doesn’t want to be at home.

That’s a good summation, honestly. He’s made some effort and I do appreciate it. I think it’s hard to portray accurately his level of involvement. Like we might have family dinner 3-4 nights a week but on a weekday I might not know this is one of the nights he won’t be home until 30 minutes before we eat. He does have dinner with us about 90 percent of weekend nights, if he’s not traveling and generally makes it to things like important games and performances. He has a good relationship with the kids but I am the one that they count on, if that makes sense.

When I said he’s missing out, I didn’t just mean the kids and me. I mean he doesn’t have friends, he doesn’t exercise, he doesn’t do any of the things I might be doing instead of waiting around for him.

It’s funny to see the speculation around what kind of work he does. Does it matter? I strongly suspect he has terrible time management skills and that’s a big contributor to so many things being an emergency. But I don’t really know. We have very different jobs. Again he’s actually a good person and very smart and interesting to talk to. But yea things work best when I am not trying to plan around him too much.

Ding ding ding! That's also why he won't make specific commitments about time with you. He needs maximum flexibility because he manages time so poorly.

Still, the bottom line is that if he wanted more time with you, he'd be willing to make some changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister’s marriage counselor told her workaholic husband something like the following:

“I don’t know if your wife will divorce you or not. But if you keep doing this, she and the kids are going to create a parallel life that you simply aren’t a part of. You can maybe pop in from time to time, but you will just be a visitor.”

Apparently this resonated with him, and he made some incremental changes.

It doesn’t sound like your husband has a particularly “big” job. Apparently, he either has had a major boundary problem or he just doesn’t want to be at home.

That’s a good summation, honestly. He’s made some effort and I do appreciate it. I think it’s hard to portray accurately his level of involvement. Like we might have family dinner 3-4 nights a week but on a weekday I might not know this is one of the nights he won’t be home until 30 minutes before we eat. He does have dinner with us about 90 percent of weekend nights, if he’s not traveling and generally makes it to things like important games and performances. He has a good relationship with the kids but I am the one that they count on, if that makes sense.

When I said he’s missing out, I didn’t just mean the kids and me. I mean he doesn’t have friends, he doesn’t exercise, he doesn’t do any of the things I might be doing instead of waiting around for him.

It’s funny to see the speculation around what kind of work he does. Does it matter? I strongly suspect he has terrible time management skills and that’s a big contributor to so many things being an emergency. But I don’t really know. We have very different jobs. Again he’s actually a good person and very smart and interesting to talk to. But yea things work best when I am not trying to plan around him too much.

NP. You are describing my DH, except for a long time (~16 years) he earned 3/4 of our HHI. Mine was high enough, though, that he didn't need to earn so much. Pre-kids, we even went through the thing where he'd get upset when he randomly had a free night but I already had plans...that basically didn't happen post-kids.

About a year ago he had a health scare and also a huge breakdown. He eventually resigned and is consulting part time. He wants more time with the kids, and he is stepping up. He is pretty adrift in some ways, but at least the kids are still young enough (ES and MS) that he's getting real time now.

Your DH may or may not come to the realization mine did...though I know several men like him who have, and they are all navigating it differently. In the meantime, during those 16 years (and the 11 since we've had kids), I basically just decided at some point whether I wanted to stay married (I did), and decided how I could have the life I wanted within the constraints of his work. That did mean basically having a parallel life. I left food out warm for him, but I stopped waiting for him to start dinner with the kids. I made evenings work for me, including hiring sitters etc when I needed to. One difference is that he didn't have a lot of weekend work, though he was often too tired to do much.

I don't know if my advice is right or not. It's what I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you can afford it .. Hire help...ASAP
Your marriage will thank you.

Short of a live in nanny who gets up with the kids, how would that help?

Ma’am hire that help ..
Then come back and tell us all how it’s going

OP here and we do have some help. I have help with cleaners and get groceries delivered and a lot of other one off type help. I’m actually not resentful really- I mostly feel bad for him that he’s missing out so much . I like my kids and unlike what I hear from some other families my kids are actually best behaved for me. We have not had success with babysitters and I ended up feeling resentful that I couldn’t figure that out and he wanted it to work so he did not have to feel guilty but didn’t help figure it out. I do think we will need more help if the kids do more activities in a few years. I dread trying to figure that out.

We have some help from local family but we have had to cancel date nights because stuff has come up with his work on short notice and it’s frustrating. I have a VERY mommy tracked job but have considered cutting back even more. I actually feel like I am finding a decent balance, he’s just not a very big part of it in like a spouse role if that makes sense. If he has an hour to not work we spend it as a family; we both agree that has to be a big priority.

You need to open your eyes. You say you feel bad for him, but does *he* feel bad for himself that he's "missing out" so much? If he really wanted it to work and felt guilty, he would have helped to figure it out! It sounds like he's pretty happy with the way things are, he just wants more s*x and attention from you-- but only when it's convenient for him, and your schedule is his last priority.

This.

[Anonymous]

I have been in a similar position with my husband.
I was listening to a marriage counselor on a podcast the other day, and she talked about how people with avoidant attachment can switch to being preoccupied attachment in another relationship, but it’s hard for them to switch into being secure.
I feel like for me (and maybe for you), DH and I can both switch roles within our relationship. So, he’s gone all of the time. (My husband is a surgeon. He works long, unpredictable hours and will even pick up additional hours or weekends even though we have no plans for the money.) And then when he is home, he is either avoiding us by looking up stuff for work or decompressing OR he is way too far up my butt for lack of a better term, and won’t let me alone. This means that I am never alone unless I plan childcare for a time I know DH won’t be home. Also, even weirder, DH is never alone with our children, which i think makes for an odd relationship.

I am just as bad, though. I tend to vacillate between being avoidant and preoccupied too. Sometimes, I’m fine with DH being gone. I’m proud of being able to manage the household on my own, and I even get a little irritated when he comes home unexpectedly and messes up my routines or wants time that I didn’t have carved out for him. Other times, I get really irritated that I have to be alone all of the time when I am married to the man I love who is the father of my children, and I beg him to get a job where he will be home more.

I don’t have any solution, but it makes things easier for me to know that this isn’t just a simple fix that DH won’t do. This pattern is part of deep seated personality traits in both of us, and I am making him just as crazy as he is making me!

[Anonymous]

That husband of yours isn’t that busy as you think he is.
Folks make time for who and what they want. He’s simply not interested.

Don’t be naive 🙄

[Anonymous]

For people saying the DH isn't interested in family time, Im not sure. Workaholism is a real addiction in my view. People, including my DH, sometimes can't control the impulse to finish one more thing and have to sometimes hit rock bottom to make a change.

It doesn’t change the impact, but I think its helpful to see the mindset.