Weird evolution of recently rich friend

[Anonymous]

I think this happens especially with newfound wealth (hence the term “new money” vs “old money”), but it happens in other new phases too. Friends go to college, law school, get married, become moms, get a Big Job… any of these events can go to someone’s head and inflate their ego. It’s forgivable and the friendship can survive if they come back to earth after a phase. But sometimes, they don’t, and it gets worse. In which case, it’s time to let the friendship go.

[Anonymous]

Women are always jealous of other women. Maybe it is natural and normal. I have become a social introvert. Master of all talk and deflection!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women are always jealous of other women. Maybe it is natural and normal. I have become a social introvert. Master of all talk and deflection!!

Small talk —- not all talk

lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle it when a friend changes dramatically due to change in life circumstances? Basically her husband's business took off, which is wonderful, but she has become a different person - constantly talking about what they are buying, spending, traveling, doing to their house, where they are buying another vacation house, how many tennis lessons she has this week to fill the hours while kids are at school, what her plans are for plastic surgery, her recent botox and filler, her new favorite place to order designer workout gear, etc etc. I know you will think I am just jealous and fair enough - it would be wonderful to never have to worry about money or working again but this is different. I feel like I have essentially lost a dear friend because she never talks about anything real or relatable, and when I try to share the types of conversation and interaction we used to enjoy together, she always manages to bring the conversation back to what they are buying/spending/doing. It is exhausting and makes me sad. I'm not sure whether is is worth being honest about feeling distant, or trying to salvage the friendship, or just let it go? I don't know if it is a phase or just her new personality. Has anyone been through something like this with a friend?

Op, i posted ‘this’ (same thing with my own friend) about 4 years ago.

Yes, it was like, their full time job to spend the money. I know they were saving too.

But I mean, they were 150% all in for upgrading everything in their life, and meanwhile I was like “I shouldn’t afford a $300 dresser for my kid, so he shares a big dresser with his sibling.” It was better for us at the time to forgo things so we could save.

And there was not a lot to talk about anymore. It was sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle it when a friend changes dramatically due to change in life circumstances? Basically her husband's business took off, which is wonderful, but she has become a different person - constantly talking about what they are buying, spending, traveling, doing to their house, where they are buying another vacation house, how many tennis lessons she has this week to fill the hours while kids are at school, what her plans are for plastic surgery, her recent botox and filler, her new favorite place to order designer workout gear, etc etc. I know you will think I am just jealous and fair enough - it would be wonderful to never have to worry about money or working again but this is different. I feel like I have essentially lost a dear friend because she never talks about anything real or relatable, and when I try to share the types of conversation and interaction we used to enjoy together, she always manages to bring the conversation back to what they are buying/spending/doing. It is exhausting and makes me sad. I'm not sure whether is is worth being honest about feeling distant, or trying to salvage the friendship, or just let it go? I don't know if it is a phase or just her new personality. Has anyone been through something like this with a friend?

Op, i posted ‘this’ (same thing with my own friend) about 4 years ago.

Yes, it was like, their full time job to spend the money. I know they were saving too.

But I mean, they were 150% all in for upgrading everything in their life, and meanwhile I was like “I shouldn’t afford a $300 dresser for my kid, so he shares a big dresser with his sibling.” It was better for us at the time to forgo things so we could save.

And there was not a lot to talk about anymore. It was sad.

Me again. I didn’t read the thread, now I am going back and reading. Yes about the renovations talk. The first while, I was really interested in their kitchen and bathroom. She would tell me about pitfalls, and it was like ‘mental note for me if I ever upgrade one of these.’ It wasn’t boring.

But then you’re ready to talk together about something else, and 1. Her stuff was like “I have so many boxes to break down. We also got this entryway feature. We are investing x in our kids sports and personal savings. We are thinking about doing this to our pool deck.” And my stuff was like “I’m a little bored lately, the kids and I went to the park everyday, it was fun. We found this cool thing on the trail. Problem with x y or z” that money fixes and her suggestion was .. just that. When it’s like, I have 30k of wishes that money fixes, that’s why I don’t fix these things.

[Anonymous]

The way around this is to get real. Real talk. Rich people struggle with raising their kids, they bicker with their husbands, they grieve a parent's decline, they wonder about the future: politics, environment, how technology will change our culture, philosophical conversations about what life is all about.

You can talk to anyone if you ditch small talk and dig deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, give it time. She may adjust. The friendship may adjust. When my Pell Grant college roommate's start up hit it big and she became a multimillionaire at 30, there was an adjustment. I asked her about new concerns. Concerns she had that I didn't, but were now part of her life. Such as, "do you feel you're getting good financial advice? Can you trust the advice? How are your siblings handling your financial situation?" There are stresses you don't know about. But your friend will probably need to talk about. They are real to her.
Decades later this friend and I are still friends. There were some low points. One Christmas I realized she had used a Personal Shopper to buy my present. She had no idea what she had given me. For me, that hurt. Decades later, the relationship feels much better. We go on a yearly vacation together. I feel close to her now. I didn't much from age 30 - 40. It's worth keeping the door open.

Why would you refer to her this way? It seems like you’re implying she needed to adjust to her new financial status without recognizing maybe you still haven’t?

[Anonymous]

I’m the one that posted about leveling up. I forgot to mention that I agree with other posters about it taking time. I literally moved into my new home 2 months ago so of course, all the things that I’m experiencing with the house are topical and fresh. As for the other posters that don’t want to hear about stuff like that, I get it somewhat. If someone drones on and on about the same thing in their lives and doesn’t ask you about yours, that’s selfish.
I talked about my house for a little bit and asked her about her life always.
It’s on her that she perceived it as bragging and honestly she wasn’t a true friend that was there for me, even after I had spend months listening about the one that got away!

[Anonymous]

I think she's just starting to move into different circles. I predict they will join a CC and get a new set of friend$

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I had a friend like this who I had to off-ramp. I was so happy for her bc I knew how hard she’d worked to get her new big job and start upgrading her life and I respected her perseverance so much, but after—? Literally we would go to lunch and she would just fire off lists of brand-name thing after brand-name thing, followed by their exact dollar amounts, stopping to punctuate her sentences w the name of her company and salary or bonus info, or rehashing the same tired old grievances about people we both stopped talking to years ago and how she’s better than them now. Every. Single. Time. I get that she was trying to get comfortable w her new reality by saying things out loud, and on some level was maybe also trying to prove something to me which is so completely unnecessary, but WOW it was just soo freaking tedious and BORING. Like what happened to the big dreams and interesting ideas? And I for one actually love sharing resources and talking renos, vacations, hobbies, and other things that delve into experience, culture, taste, etc …even fashion!… but having “money” be every third word out of your mouth just isn’t it for me.

[Anonymous]

OP, please embrace paragraphs. It's hard to read a huge block of text.

[Anonymous]

Shes thinking aloud. You're just the sounding board.

[Anonymous]

Money can certainly change a person which can ultimately erode the dynamic of the friendship if that change is negative as in your case.

In all honesty OP……
I could not stand to be around someone who is only interested in discussing her most recent purchases >> the friendship would have definitely run its course.

And if that is how you are feeling now then that is okay & no one would blame you for feeling this way.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound jealous OP. I have a lot of friends with more money they I have and we never talk about it one way or another. I'm sorry you lost a friend but also - who wants to listen to that.

Re: the renovations - I have had conversations like that but no one is naming a dollar amount.

[Anonymous]

She’s a friend for a season and it just changed for her.