Weird evolution of recently rich friend

[Anonymous]

This is a hard one because traveling, renovations, vacation house hunting, and tennis lessons IS what she's spending most of her time on. If you don't want her to talk about anything that costs more money, then you're essentially telling her that you don't want to hear about most of her life.

But you feel alienated when she talks about this lifestyle that's outside your budget.

Is there an activity you can do together that would drive the conversation? Maybe a puzzle or an art project?

[Anonymous]

Looks like the wealth has gone to her head. It happens with weak minds, OP. She can change and learn, so you can always gently point it out to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a hard one because traveling, renovations, vacation house hunting, and tennis lessons IS what she's spending most of her time on. If you don't want her to talk about anything that costs more money, then you're essentially telling her that you don't want to hear about most of her life.

But you feel alienated when she talks about this lifestyle that's outside your budget.

Is there an activity you can do together that would drive the conversation? Maybe a puzzle or an art project?

A puzzle? Are you serious?!!! How about go out for lunch at the Waldorf?

[Anonymous]

It may just be a phase OP.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is concerned with staying fit and pretty lest her newly wealthy husband leave her.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she winds up divorced and potentially financially screwed over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have worked our butts off and sacrificed a lot to be wealthy, at least by Midwest standards. We still put in a lot of hours working.
Our best couples friends just inherited a farm and cash from a long lost single uncle. She was the only cousin who received anything.
The insecurity and jealousy we felt is because they didn't earn it.
But, such is life. We got over it.
Her siblings and cousins, however, did not.

You "got over" something wonderful and life changing having to your best friend?

Exactly. Shouldn’t you be happy for your friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a hard one because traveling, renovations, vacation house hunting, and tennis lessons IS what she's spending most of her time on. If you don't want her to talk about anything that costs more money, then you're essentially telling her that you don't want to hear about most of her life.

But you feel alienated when she talks about this lifestyle that's outside your budget.

Is there an activity you can do together that would drive the conversation? Maybe a puzzle or an art project?

I disagree with the premise that it's OK to use a proportional rule: talking most about what you spend most of your time on. With that rule, all working stiffs would talk shop. I spent years spending the best part of my day teaching my child with special needs: you want the excruciating details of that every time we get together for coffee?

So no. The friend needs to be told, kindly, to rein it in.

[Anonymous]

She was always like that. Money just magnified it.
All the things you mentions are too much for one person. It's not even what rich people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I experienced something similar when a neighborhood friend who moved away and into a more exclusive neighborhood with her rich new husband. Suddenly, overnight, she thought she was better than me.

It hurt a lot at first, and I was almost embarrassed by my own circumstances. Then I realized that her behavior said more about her than it could ever say about me. She’s insecure in her new reality. I dropped her, and it hurt, but I couldn’t carry that around.

She is better than you now. Sorry. Money isn't everything but it is a lot. It's not like you were soul mates -- you were friends.

OP, she as moved on toe the "better than you crowd," likely joining this pp.

[Anonymous]

sorry about the typos!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a hard one because traveling, renovations, vacation house hunting, and tennis lessons IS what she's spending most of her time on. If you don't want her to talk about anything that costs more money, then you're essentially telling her that you don't want to hear about most of her life.

But you feel alienated when she talks about this lifestyle that's outside your budget.

Is there an activity you can do together that would drive the conversation? Maybe a puzzle or an art project?

+1000000
I do think it’s difficult to get away from topics that will seem as perceived bragging.

Something even as simple as exercising may offend you since it may come out that she attends what you know is an expensive class. Similar for travel, dining out, what kids are up to etc.

I think this is just as much you as it is her. She’s likely sharing too much about her financial situation and you’re noticing that everything she is sharing has something to do with money.

[Anonymous]

This is why people are mostly friends with those who are close in SES. I have a few friends who are much richer and much poorer, we aren’t that close because our problems aren’t relatable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have worked our butts off and sacrificed a lot to be wealthy, at least by Midwest standards. We still put in a lot of hours working.
Our best couples friends just inherited a farm and cash from a long lost single uncle. She was the only cousin who received anything.
The insecurity and jealousy we felt is because they didn't earn it.
But, such is life. We got over it.
Her siblings and cousins, however, did not.

You "got over" something wonderful and life changing having to your best friend?

yep,. She didnt earn it. Had to just let it go. oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is me in the other side. My husband and I laddered up and had rented for years due to frequent moves. We finally bought a dream home and I was so excited to share the ongoing renovations with my friend. I was also shocked at the prices of some of the things we were buying and shared how crazy it was!
She came to visit and saw my house and that just did us in. The next time I visited her, she asked me to stop talking about money and I readily agreed. A week later,through text, she accused me of bragging to make others feel bad and that I did it on purpose even after I had stopped talking about the house!
This whole thing was a combination of her insecurities and jealousy. I genuinely wanted to share my experiences with her and was so excited to finally own again and never meant to upset her or brag.
I would hope that you would talk to her and give her a fair chance and tell her how you feel. She genuinely might not know how it is affecting you. If she continues to swing the conversations to her and what she has AFTER your talk, I’d move on with my friendship.
I will be honest and say that it’s a difficult position for you both though so this will work only if the friendship has a solid base.

Nobody wants to hear about your renovations, friend or otherwise. It’s great that you’re excited about it, but keep the details to yourself unless someone has specifically asked.

Not much of a friendship then is it, if she can't share what's going on in her life.

You can share easily without bragging - we are redoing the kitchen. I had wanted brown but everyone does white these days. Contractor is taking forever and we have been living off frozen meals.

Talking about how each bathroom fixture is 10k and each tile is 2k is just incredibly lame and I can see why your friend was annoyed. Read the room!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is me in the other side. My husband and I laddered up and had rented for years due to frequent moves. We finally bought a dream home and I was so excited to share the ongoing renovations with my friend. I was also shocked at the prices of some of the things we were buying and shared how crazy it was!
She came to visit and saw my house and that just did us in. The next time I visited her, she asked me to stop talking about money and I readily agreed. A week later,through text, she accused me of bragging to make others feel bad and that I did it on purpose even after I had stopped talking about the house!
This whole thing was a combination of her insecurities and jealousy. I genuinely wanted to share my experiences with her and was so excited to finally own again and never meant to upset her or brag.
I would hope that you would talk to her and give her a fair chance and tell her how you feel. She genuinely might not know how it is affecting you. If she continues to swing the conversations to her and what she has AFTER your talk, I’d move on with my friendship.
I will be honest and say that it’s a difficult position for you both though so this will work only if the friendship has a solid base.

Nobody wants to hear about your renovations, friend or otherwise. It’s great that you’re excited about it, but keep the details to yourself unless someone has specifically asked.

DP and I have enjoyed talking about renovations with friends, but it’s always been friends who have also been through or were planning to go through a renovation. It’s sometimes helpful to share contractor info. or where you found your countertop or horror stories etc. However for me it’s always been with people who I can tell are in a similar-ish bracket to us and it’s never the main topic of our friendship.

Some people are just really bad at knowing their audience. Or they do want to brag. But I think it’s weird to talk about all your spending with anyone if it’s not relevant to your friendship (e.g. sharing vacation info. with someone interested in going to that location, telling someone what you like about your new car if they are in the market for one).