RED FLAGS of CHILD PREDATORS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, someone who volunteers to babysit or help out with kids. If you need help, ask specific people for help, instead of accepting unsolicited offers. You are less likely to randomly "choose" a predator If than a predator is at offering help.

It’s usually someone in your family first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ones who do it don't have any red flags. That's how they get away with it. Keep your eyes on your own kids.

This is a myth. We need to be educated to learn what the red flags are. And yes, constant vigilance is a must.

You teach safety measures to your children in whatever age appropriate way they’re ready for. Every child is different.

You want to avoid making your child scared of every man.

Why? I’m scared of every man. Guess why?

Is it a man? Highly likely capacity to abuse. Especially if you have a girl, there should be no male coaches, tutors, camp counselors… you can’t help who the teachers are but be on guard. If you have a boy, once theyre 13 or so, you need to watch them closely because they’re very likely to be a predator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a literal child predator who is now in prison for his crimes. Many people didn’t suspect him, even after a number of red flags, because he was skilled at grooming the adults around him, too. But there were signs.

- he wanted to be buddy-buddy with the kids, in a way that made him a favorite to many kids….but was deeply off-putting to a few.

- related to above, he didn’t treat all kids with equal kindness or respect. He teased or made examples of kids who didn’t quite fit in. Almost like he was playing in-group/out-group games.

- he had a vision of himself as someone who “got” kids more than other adults. The other grownups were uptight, uncool. “They” were harmful to the kids. By contrast he was the one who could see it, and be the kids’ friend. (A different way of saying this is that he was creating a wedge between the kids and the other adults in their lives, and inserting himself into the space).

- he sometimes made jokes that pushed the boundaries. Nothing major, nothing glaringly obvious, and there was always plausible deniability. They were little things, but they were off.

- similarly, sometimes he engaged in conversations that were a little too personal. Talked to kids about who liked who, that sort of thing. Again, there was always plausible deniability.

- while many kids liked him, a few kids hated him and had a hard time explaining why. Because so many kids liked him and thought he was cool, it was assumed by the adults that you could just dismiss the kids who didn’t like him — like they must be antisocial or difficult.

- He resented the kids who didn’t like him in a way that felt way too personal.

There were other things, but those were the bigger dynamics. Important to know that some people — particularly those with social capital (money, power, popularity) — thought he was great, which is why it was so easy to dismiss those who expressed concern or the kids who were uncomfortable. He was smart — smarter than many of the adults around him, and he’d figured out how to get the “right” people on his side. And that’s how he had the access to the kids that he did. He’s in prison now, but a lot of damage was done.

TLDR: if your kid is uncomfortable with someone, especially in a way that they and you can’t quite put a finger on, trust that. Trust it. We all have a wisdom that is more embodied than logical, and it is there for a reason.

I’m one of the prior posters and I think it is really key to be the adult who is a little bit obnoxious and unfraid of being judged. If your kid doesn’t like someone everyone else does, back them up. If someone is trusted by powerful people, but not you, ask questions and be cautious. Say no to sleepovers or one on one time even if all the other kids and families are doing it. Predators succeed when their environment and the children’s families are too “polite” to raise concerns or consider the worst - or when systems (like high-profile schools) have too much at stake to act. Being unafraid of the social risks sends a message that you are watching and keeps your kid safer.

I think this is BS. Our strategy against child predators can’t be for parents to try be cooler than the cool kids and this level of sanctimonious. We need to do practical things to make it difficult for them to operate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a literal child predator who is now in prison for his crimes. Many people didn’t suspect him, even after a number of red flags, because he was skilled at grooming the adults around him, too. But there were signs.

- he wanted to be buddy-buddy with the kids, in a way that made him a favorite to many kids….but was deeply off-putting to a few.

- related to above, he didn’t treat all kids with equal kindness or respect. He teased or made examples of kids who didn’t quite fit in. Almost like he was playing in-group/out-group games.

- he had a vision of himself as someone who “got” kids more than other adults. The other grownups were uptight, uncool. “They” were harmful to the kids. By contrast he was the one who could see it, and be the kids’ friend. (A different way of saying this is that he was creating a wedge between the kids and the other adults in their lives, and inserting himself into the space).

- he sometimes made jokes that pushed the boundaries. Nothing major, nothing glaringly obvious, and there was always plausible deniability. They were little things, but they were off.

- similarly, sometimes he engaged in conversations that were a little too personal. Talked to kids about who liked who, that sort of thing. Again, there was always plausible deniability.

- while many kids liked him, a few kids hated him and had a hard time explaining why. Because so many kids liked him and thought he was cool, it was assumed by the adults that you could just dismiss the kids who didn’t like him — like they must be antisocial or difficult.

- He resented the kids who didn’t like him in a way that felt way too personal.

There were other things, but those were the bigger dynamics. Important to know that some people — particularly those with social capital (money, power, popularity) — thought he was great, which is why it was so easy to dismiss those who expressed concern or the kids who were uncomfortable. He was smart — smarter than many of the adults around him, and he’d figured out how to get the “right” people on his side. And that’s how he had the access to the kids that he did. He’s in prison now, but a lot of damage was done.

TLDR: if your kid is uncomfortable with someone, especially in a way that they and you can’t quite put a finger on, trust that. Trust it. We all have a wisdom that is more embodied than logical, and it is there for a reason.

I’m one of the prior posters and I think it is really key to be the adult who is a little bit obnoxious and unfraid of being judged. If your kid doesn’t like someone everyone else does, back them up. If someone is trusted by powerful people, but not you, ask questions and be cautious. Say no to sleepovers or one on one time even if all the other kids and families are doing it. Predators succeed when their environment and the children’s families are too “polite” to raise concerns or consider the worst - or when systems (like high-profile schools) have too much at stake to act. Being unafraid of the social risks sends a message that you are watching and keeps your kid safer.

It's really hard to be in this position. I'm the PP, and I suspected, but I didn't actually know for sure. All these people were reassuring me, and all these other parents loved him, and maybe I was the crazy one, and if I was wrong, I was ruining someone's life, and all being weird/off isn't criminal, and anyway, what if the real problem is my kid, which is what everyone seems to be suggesting? And you don't know until you actually know -- until then, you're just constantly second-guessing yourself.

(But god. I can still see in my mind's eye my kid's body language after one of the plausibly deniable but "off" interactions. She didn't have the words for it at the time, she had only the physical response. In retrospect her body language should have told me everything).

I also agree that high-profile schools/etc. have too much at stake to act. I actually think they have too much at stake to even consider that it could be true. Something in them shuts down the possibility completely, before it's even a conscious thought. And by the time it is conscious, it's too late and they're already heading straight into legal-protection mode.

Yes, it’s so important to listen to our gut, and ultimately go with that when it comes to child protection from potential predators.

We can put police on notice. They are the professionals who can find the evidence. They can call out suspicious behaviors, and at least warn the community of their grooming techniques.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a literal child predator who is now in prison for his crimes. Many people didn’t suspect him, even after a number of red flags, because he was skilled at grooming the adults around him, too. But there were signs.

- he wanted to be buddy-buddy with the kids, in a way that made him a favorite to many kids….but was deeply off-putting to a few.

- related to above, he didn’t treat all kids with equal kindness or respect. He teased or made examples of kids who didn’t quite fit in. Almost like he was playing in-group/out-group games.

- he had a vision of himself as someone who “got” kids more than other adults. The other grownups were uptight, uncool. “They” were harmful to the kids. By contrast he was the one who could see it, and be the kids’ friend. (A different way of saying this is that he was creating a wedge between the kids and the other adults in their lives, and inserting himself into the space).

- he sometimes made jokes that pushed the boundaries. Nothing major, nothing glaringly obvious, and there was always plausible deniability. They were little things, but they were off.

- similarly, sometimes he engaged in conversations that were a little too personal. Talked to kids about who liked who, that sort of thing. Again, there was always plausible deniability.

- while many kids liked him, a few kids hated him and had a hard time explaining why. Because so many kids liked him and thought he was cool, it was assumed by the adults that you could just dismiss the kids who didn’t like him — like they must be antisocial or difficult.

- He resented the kids who didn’t like him in a way that felt way too personal.

There were other things, but those were the bigger dynamics. Important to know that some people — particularly those with social capital (money, power, popularity) — thought he was great, which is why it was so easy to dismiss those who expressed concern or the kids who were uncomfortable. He was smart — smarter than many of the adults around him, and he’d figured out how to get the “right” people on his side. And that’s how he had the access to the kids that he did. He’s in prison now, but a lot of damage was done.

TLDR: if your kid is uncomfortable with someone, especially in a way that they and you can’t quite put a finger on, trust that. Trust it. We all have a wisdom that is more embodied than logical, and it is there for a reason.

I’m one of the prior posters and I think it is really key to be the adult who is a little bit obnoxious and unfraid of being judged. If your kid doesn’t like someone everyone else does, back them up. If someone is trusted by powerful people, but not you, ask questions and be cautious. Say no to sleepovers or one on one time even if all the other kids and families are doing it. Predators succeed when their environment and the children’s families are too “polite” to raise concerns or consider the worst - or when systems (like high-profile schools) have too much at stake to act. Being unafraid of the social risks sends a message that you are watching and keeps your kid safer.

Agree 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wanting to spend time alone, even if it is a special outing like a ball game or a movie or a concert. Special events do not have to be 1:1, and anyone pushing for 1:1 (especially sleepovers or trips) is to be questioned and vetted.

This just common sense. Groomers look for lazy, overwhelmed or checked out parents. Don’t be any of those things, the groomer will pick someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a literal child predator who is now in prison for his crimes. Many people didn’t suspect him, even after a number of red flags, because he was skilled at grooming the adults around him, too. But there were signs.

- he wanted to be buddy-buddy with the kids, in a way that made him a favorite to many kids….but was deeply off-putting to a few.

- related to above, he didn’t treat all kids with equal kindness or respect. He teased or made examples of kids who didn’t quite fit in. Almost like he was playing in-group/out-group games.

- he had a vision of himself as someone who “got” kids more than other adults. The other grownups were uptight, uncool. “They” were harmful to the kids. By contrast he was the one who could see it, and be the kids’ friend. (A different way of saying this is that he was creating a wedge between the kids and the other adults in their lives, and inserting himself into the space).

- he sometimes made jokes that pushed the boundaries. Nothing major, nothing glaringly obvious, and there was always plausible deniability. They were little things, but they were off.

- similarly, sometimes he engaged in conversations that were a little too personal. Talked to kids about who liked who, that sort of thing. Again, there was always plausible deniability.

- while many kids liked him, a few kids hated him and had a hard time explaining why. Because so many kids liked him and thought he was cool, it was assumed by the adults that you could just dismiss the kids who didn’t like him — like they must be antisocial or difficult.

- He resented the kids who didn’t like him in a way that felt way too personal.

There were other things, but those were the bigger dynamics. Important to know that some people — particularly those with social capital (money, power, popularity) — thought he was great, which is why it was so easy to dismiss those who expressed concern or the kids who were uncomfortable. He was smart — smarter than many of the adults around him, and he’d figured out how to get the “right” people on his side. And that’s how he had the access to the kids that he did. He’s in prison now, but a lot of damage was done.

TLDR: if your kid is uncomfortable with someone, especially in a way that they and you can’t quite put a finger on, trust that. Trust it. We all have a wisdom that is more embodied than logical, and it is there for a reason.

I’m one of the prior posters and I think it is really key to be the adult who is a little bit obnoxious and unfraid of being judged. If your kid doesn’t like someone everyone else does, back them up. If someone is trusted by powerful people, but not you, ask questions and be cautious. Say no to sleepovers or one on one time even if all the other kids and families are doing it. Predators succeed when their environment and the children’s families are too “polite” to raise concerns or consider the worst - or when systems (like high-profile schools) have too much at stake to act. Being unafraid of the social risks sends a message that you are watching and keeps your kid safer.

I think this is BS. Our strategy against child predators can’t be for parents to try be cooler than the cool kids and this level of sanctimonious. We need to do practical things to make it difficult for them to operate.

NP. Practical things:

1. Teach accurate and no-nonsense names for body parts: penis, vulva, butt or buttocks, breasts, and so on. There is research on this -- it shows that an adult caregiver is talking to the child about sensitive issues, and the child doesn't have a reluctance to talk about them.

2. Talk to your children about the difference between "secrets" and "surprises." Nobody should be telling a child to keep a secret. Surprises are okay, like the gift you will give someone on their birthday. Surprises have a time they are meant to be talked about openly, but secrets don't come with an expiration date.

3. Talk about how you can always keep yourself and your family safe. predators leverage "I'll hurt your mother" or "I'll tell your father, and he'l get in trouble," or "I'll do it to your sister." Talk about being a strong family who can take care of each other, and who always talks about any dangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ones who do it don't have any red flags. That's how they get away with it. Keep your eyes on your own kids.

This is a myth. We need to be educated to learn what the red flags are. And yes, constant vigilance is a must.

You teach safety measures to your children in whatever age appropriate way they’re ready for. Every child is different.

You want to avoid making your child scared of every man.

Why? I’m scared of every man. Guess why?

Is it a man? Highly likely capacity to abuse. Especially if you have a girl, there should be no male coaches, tutors, camp counselors… you can’t help who the teachers are but be on guard. If you have a boy, once theyre 13 or so, you need to watch them closely because they’re very likely to be a predator.

Absurd. Maybe I wouldn’t do a private male coach, but team coaches are fine. Practices are open to parents, who drop off and pick up, and some always stay to watch. Games are watched. IME, male coaches go out of their way to NOT do anything remotely shady. My teen has had almost entirely male coaches. She has never once been alone with any of them. In like 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My simple philosophy was that I just did not trust other adults with my kids.

My kids knew not to go to a teachers room on their own. They had to take another classmate with them. Protected my kid and protected the teacher from false allegations.

They knew not to change in the open locker area for gym in school or swimming pool. I always gave them a men's XXL t-shirt and they put it on their head and changed clothes underneath it, making the t-shirt their own privacy tent. When they shower in a stall in the family changing rooms, I stood guard outside. Why? Because grown ass women with gray pubic hair and stretched out boobs would be walking around naked. Similarly, the clothes were changed in a changing booth with a lockable door.

We became the house which hosted people. I made it attractive for both parents and children. I would rather that I was used as a free and trusted babysitter - rather than send my kids to other people's home. And if that meant that I was feeding someone's kids 2 meals a day, and helping them do their homework, I was ok with it.

We made sure that my kid was not excluded from any social activity, and the best way to ensure that was to host all these events in our house and invite and include everyone. I did not care if people did not reciprocate. Did it cost me money, time, resources, energy etc- yes, it did.

In HS, the last thing we wanted was that our kids get into bad company, toxic relationships and bad peer pressure. So, we made sure that they were busy in their EC activities and studies. And for that we made sure that they did these activities with their friends. We made opportunities for all the kids in our circle. We made sure that all the school events were attended by them and we hosted every kid who wanted to attend. We roaped in the parents to carpool for these events and we provided the party. No bf-gf issues. No promprosal drama. No staying over in a hotel for after party nonsense. We also made sure that my kids knew about the perils of social media and they kept their digital footprints clean.

Everyone knew that my kids were under our supervision and they never got into a bad situation. I drove them to school, I was available to pick them up from their school, their EC, their tournament etc. There are many parents who were like us and we made sure that we were working the logistics together.

When my kids went to college and had talks with their dormmates, they were shocked to hear how many of them talked about poor relationship with their parents, abuse, neglect etc. It was eye-opening for them.

Finally, please be open with your kids. Explain the world to them, teach them about predators, teach them about how they can be safe, ask them their opinion.

That is a bizarre example. What makes that scary?

Because it was really happening. No modesty and shocking for my young kids. Some women are stark naked in the locker ( and usually it was old ones), casually walking around, talking to each other, being in the open. Maybe they wanted to drive away moms with kids from the pool. They succeeded. But, for me, they were just perverted predators and exibitionists. Who behaves like this? The same behavior from men would have not been accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ones who do it don't have any red flags. That's how they get away with it. Keep your eyes on your own kids.

This is a myth. We need to be educated to learn what the red flags are. And yes, constant vigilance is a must.

You teach safety measures to your children in whatever age appropriate way they’re ready for. Every child is different.

You want to avoid making your child scared of every man.

Why? I’m scared of every man. Guess why?

Is it a man? Highly likely capacity to abuse. Especially if you have a girl, there should be no male coaches, tutors, camp counselors… you can’t help who the teachers are but be on guard. If you have a boy, once theyre 13 or so, you need to watch them closely because they’re very likely to be a predator.

Absurd. Maybe I wouldn’t do a private male coach, but team coaches are fine. Practices are open to parents, who drop off and pick up, and some always stay to watch. Games are watched. IME, male coaches go out of their way to NOT do anything remotely shady. My teen has had almost entirely male coaches. She has never once been alone with any of them. In like 10 years.

Here are a bunch of resources for keeping coach-athlete relationships safe:
https://www.weridetogether.today/get-help/resources

None of them are “recognizing red flags” or “being cooler than the cool kids” or anything about somehow being better than other parents at knowing who is bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a literal child predator who is now in prison for his crimes. Many people didn’t suspect him, even after a number of red flags, because he was skilled at grooming the adults around him, too. But there were signs.

- he wanted to be buddy-buddy with the kids, in a way that made him a favorite to many kids….but was deeply off-putting to a few.

- related to above, he didn’t treat all kids with equal kindness or respect. He teased or made examples of kids who didn’t quite fit in. Almost like he was playing in-group/out-group games.

- he had a vision of himself as someone who “got” kids more than other adults. The other grownups were uptight, uncool. “They” were harmful to the kids. By contrast he was the one who could see it, and be the kids’ friend. (A different way of saying this is that he was creating a wedge between the kids and the other adults in their lives, and inserting himself into the space).

- he sometimes made jokes that pushed the boundaries. Nothing major, nothing glaringly obvious, and there was always plausible deniability. They were little things, but they were off.

- similarly, sometimes he engaged in conversations that were a little too personal. Talked to kids about who liked who, that sort of thing. Again, there was always plausible deniability.

- while many kids liked him, a few kids hated him and had a hard time explaining why. Because so many kids liked him and thought he was cool, it was assumed by the adults that you could just dismiss the kids who didn’t like him — like they must be antisocial or difficult.

- He resented the kids who didn’t like him in a way that felt way too personal.

There were other things, but those were the bigger dynamics. Important to know that some people — particularly those with social capital (money, power, popularity) — thought he was great, which is why it was so easy to dismiss those who expressed concern or the kids who were uncomfortable. He was smart — smarter than many of the adults around him, and he’d figured out how to get the “right” people on his side. And that’s how he had the access to the kids that he did. He’s in prison now, but a lot of damage was done.

TLDR: if your kid is uncomfortable with someone, especially in a way that they and you can’t quite put a finger on, trust that. Trust it. We all have a wisdom that is more embodied than logical, and it is there for a reason.

I’m one of the prior posters and I think it is really key to be the adult who is a little bit obnoxious and unfraid of being judged. If your kid doesn’t like someone everyone else does, back them up. If someone is trusted by powerful people, but not you, ask questions and be cautious. Say no to sleepovers or one on one time even if all the other kids and families are doing it. Predators succeed when their environment and the children’s families are too “polite” to raise concerns or consider the worst - or when systems (like high-profile schools) have too much at stake to act. Being unafraid of the social risks sends a message that you are watching and keeps your kid safer.

I think this is BS. Our strategy against child predators can’t be for parents to try be cooler than the cool kids and this level of sanctimonious. We need to do practical things to make it difficult for them to operate.

NP. Practical things:

1. Teach accurate and no-nonsense names for body parts: penis, vulva, butt or buttocks, breasts, and so on. There is research on this -- it shows that an adult caregiver is talking to the child about sensitive issues, and the child doesn't have a reluctance to talk about them.

2. Talk to your children about the difference between "secrets" and "surprises." Nobody should be telling a child to keep a secret. Surprises are okay, like the gift you will give someone on their birthday. Surprises have a time they are meant to be talked about openly, but secrets don't come with an expiration date.

3. Talk about how you can always keep yourself and your family safe. predators leverage "I'll hurt your mother" or "I'll tell your father, and he'l get in trouble," or "I'll do it to your sister." Talk about being a strong family who can take care of each other, and who always talks about any dangers.

+1

It’s important for parents to keep a look out for any red flags, but it’s even more important for parents to remember that predators are experts at blending in and not raising red flags.

That’s why the above steps are equally important to empower our kids to help protect themselves. I also posted this earlier, but we had great conversations with my kids about the “blink think choice voice” technique. We even used it to discuss peer pressure, bullying, etc.

https://youtu.be/RdKPIK71SP8?si=I3x6Cj5Exn9Ll4AE

[Anonymous]

www.StopItNow.org is excellent. It has good, solid prevention advice and lists the many red flags.

Anyone on this site saying we can’t prevent predators from assaulting our children is very suspicious. Of course nothing in life is guaranteed, but education and constant vigilance is necessary. The poster critical of our healthy discussion could be a groomer. We don’t know for sure. Beware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wanting to spend time alone, even if it is a special outing like a ball game or a movie or a concert. Special events do not have to be 1:1, and anyone pushing for 1:1 (especially sleepovers or trips) is to be questioned and vetted.

This just common sense. Groomers look for lazy, overwhelmed or checked out parents. Don’t be any of those things, the groomer will pick someone else.

This is true but they also look for parents who are so involved that they will ignore their better judgment. Child actors and aspiring sports stars and dancers are major targets, despite having very involved parents, because the groomer can flatter the kid/parent to get access to— eg, oh your kid has such talent, I should take them to this special training or do this special technique with them. A lot of groomers try to make the target feel special/unique etc and that can extend to the parents as well. You have to be willing to say “I don’t care if this is the best , most famous and successful gymnastics program in the country — this all seems inappropriate to me.” The creepy boyfriend is looking for the checked out or exhausted mom, but the creepy softball coach might be lookkkg for the parent who is totally invested in their kids sports career.

[Anonymous]

Where do think child predators mostly hang ?

Church
Sports
Preschools
Religious cults
Music teachers

Not drag queens.

When teaching your children about all these safe ideas and thoughts you need to be mindful of where these acts occur.


Child prorn is a huge business

[Anonymous]

I mean, pretty much anyone showing an unusual interest in your child (beyond the norm for their role as teacher, coach, whatever) should alert your spidey senses.