RED FLAGS of CHILD PREDATORS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ones who do it don't have any red flags. That's how they get away with it. Keep your eyes on your own kids.

This is a myth. We need to be educated to learn what the red flags are. And yes, constant vigilance is a must.

You teach safety measures to your children in whatever age appropriate way they’re ready for. Every child is different.

You want to avoid making your child scared of every man.

Why? I’m scared of every man. Guess why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wanting to spend time alone, even if it is a special outing like a ball game or a movie or a concert. Special events do not have to be 1:1, and anyone pushing for 1:1 (especially sleepovers or trips) is to be questioned and vetted.

Agreed. In one Baltimore boys school scandal, a teacher was allowed by the school to drive kids home in his private vehicle.

When a school allows teachers alone time with kids — there’s your red flag. Beware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s crazy to me how much has changed since i was a teen 15 years ago! My kid isn’t school age yet but so glad I’m so much more aware.
Don’t plan to be super over protective but looking back, things I probably won’t -

- sleepovers (or host) till they’re way older, def not at 6-7 like I was doing. My sister did a “pretend” sleepover for her kid that’s that age for a birthday party which I thought was so cute, everyone got picked up at 10 and got to do all the fun things but it was properly supervised with many parents staying the whole time. And everyone slept in their own homes after!
- Going to be WAY more cautious with church camps and teen Christian ministries, knowing what I know now. I was so lucky nothing happened to me growing up but I did learn of things that happened to kids in my church groups as I became an adult. I definitely won’t let them go on any overnight trips without me until at least high school and even then I’m going to have very strict rules about leaders texting my kids, giving rides, interacting on social media. Ect. Basically will never let my kids be alone 1:1 with adults
- also generally going to have these conversations really young with my own kids about safety, body parts, ect

Agree with being careful about church teen ministries. When I was growing up, I think so many people trusted these things blindly because “it’s the church.” My family left the church world when I was about 8 (different story for a different day) but now I hear about the stuff that happened in the teen ministry. Not just predators, but a lot of other stuff I wouldn’t want my kid exposed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can teach your kids about intelligence disobedience.

https://irachaleffauthor.com/blink-think-make-your-choice-use-your-voice/

It’s also know as “Blink, Think, Choice, Voice" strategy from the book Intelligent Disobedience: Doing Right When What You're Told To Do Is Wrong.

https://youtu.be/RdKPIK71SP8?si=a3_4DgCkVQ-bFC57

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I’m the original poster about church groups and wanted to note that here in DC proper there are churches that take safety very seriously! Our church’s children and teen programs are very focused on the family as a whole and don’t do overnight trips without parents at all for minors, and even as a young mom we’re encouraged to bring babies and toddlers to the service. There’s even a place you can step out and watch the service with your young child if they become disruptive if you aren’t comfortable with the nursery yet. As a mom I feel so supported and love how our family as a whole is encouraged to keep our kids safe and close by.

[Anonymous]

I know a literal child predator who is now in prison for his crimes. Many people didn’t suspect him, even after a number of red flags, because he was skilled at grooming the adults around him, too. But there were signs.

- he wanted to be buddy-buddy with the kids, in a way that made him a favorite to many kids….but was deeply off-putting to a few.

- related to above, he didn’t treat all kids with equal kindness or respect. He teased or made examples of kids who didn’t quite fit in. Almost like he was playing in-group/out-group games.

- he had a vision of himself as someone who “got” kids more than other adults. The other grownups were uptight, uncool. “They” were harmful to the kids. By contrast he was the one who could see it, and be the kids’ friend. (A different way of saying this is that he was creating a wedge between the kids and the other adults in their lives, and inserting himself into the space).

- he sometimes made jokes that pushed the boundaries. Nothing major, nothing glaringly obvious, and there was always plausible deniability. They were little things, but they were off.

- similarly, sometimes he engaged in conversations that were a little too personal. Talked to kids about who liked who, that sort of thing. Again, there was always plausible deniability.

- while many kids liked him, a few kids hated him and had a hard time explaining why. Because so many kids liked him and thought he was cool, it was assumed by the adults that you could just dismiss the kids who didn’t like him — like they must be antisocial or difficult.

- He resented the kids who didn’t like him in a way that felt way too personal.

There were other things, but those were the bigger dynamics. Important to know that some people — particularly those with social capital (money, power, popularity) — thought he was great, which is why it was so easy to dismiss those who expressed concern or the kids who were uncomfortable. He was smart — smarter than many of the adults around him, and he’d figured out how to get the “right” people on his side. And that’s how he had the access to the kids that he did. He’s in prison now, but a lot of damage was done.

TLDR: if your kid is uncomfortable with someone, especially in a way that they and you can’t quite put a finger on, trust that. Trust it. We all have a wisdom that is more embodied than logical, and it is there for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Adults, who aren't your kids grandparents, who want to have "special" one on one outings with kids. Red flag.

[Anonymous]

Teach your children to be in open spaces and in daylight. Never do things in the dark or hidden places or alone with people you trust!

The video is very good, they show young kids. So talk to them as early as when you have to leave them under someone else's watch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a literal child predator who is now in prison for his crimes. Many people didn’t suspect him, even after a number of red flags, because he was skilled at grooming the adults around him, too. But there were signs.

- he wanted to be buddy-buddy with the kids, in a way that made him a favorite to many kids….but was deeply off-putting to a few.

- related to above, he didn’t treat all kids with equal kindness or respect. He teased or made examples of kids who didn’t quite fit in. Almost like he was playing in-group/out-group games.

- he had a vision of himself as someone who “got” kids more than other adults. The other grownups were uptight, uncool. “They” were harmful to the kids. By contrast he was the one who could see it, and be the kids’ friend. (A different way of saying this is that he was creating a wedge between the kids and the other adults in their lives, and inserting himself into the space).

- he sometimes made jokes that pushed the boundaries. Nothing major, nothing glaringly obvious, and there was always plausible deniability. They were little things, but they were off.

- similarly, sometimes he engaged in conversations that were a little too personal. Talked to kids about who liked who, that sort of thing. Again, there was always plausible deniability.

- while many kids liked him, a few kids hated him and had a hard time explaining why. Because so many kids liked him and thought he was cool, it was assumed by the adults that you could just dismiss the kids who didn’t like him — like they must be antisocial or difficult.

- He resented the kids who didn’t like him in a way that felt way too personal.

There were other things, but those were the bigger dynamics. Important to know that some people — particularly those with social capital (money, power, popularity) — thought he was great, which is why it was so easy to dismiss those who expressed concern or the kids who were uncomfortable. He was smart — smarter than many of the adults around him, and he’d figured out how to get the “right” people on his side. And that’s how he had the access to the kids that he did. He’s in prison now, but a lot of damage was done.

TLDR: if your kid is uncomfortable with someone, especially in a way that they and you can’t quite put a finger on, trust that. Trust it. We all have a wisdom that is more embodied than logical, and it is there for a reason.

How did the high status popular crowd react when he was found out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adults, who aren't your kids grandparents, who want to have "special" one on one outings with kids. Red flag.

Anyone who wants to spend time with your kids, period. Kids are boring unless they're yours or related to you somehow. Why would someone want to spend time with them, on purpose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a literal child predator who is now in prison for his crimes. Many people didn’t suspect him, even after a number of red flags, because he was skilled at grooming the adults around him, too. But there were signs.

- he wanted to be buddy-buddy with the kids, in a way that made him a favorite to many kids….but was deeply off-putting to a few.

- related to above, he didn’t treat all kids with equal kindness or respect. He teased or made examples of kids who didn’t quite fit in. Almost like he was playing in-group/out-group games.

- he had a vision of himself as someone who “got” kids more than other adults. The other grownups were uptight, uncool. “They” were harmful to the kids. By contrast he was the one who could see it, and be the kids’ friend. (A different way of saying this is that he was creating a wedge between the kids and the other adults in their lives, and inserting himself into the space).

- he sometimes made jokes that pushed the boundaries. Nothing major, nothing glaringly obvious, and there was always plausible deniability. They were little things, but they were off.

- similarly, sometimes he engaged in conversations that were a little too personal. Talked to kids about who liked who, that sort of thing. Again, there was always plausible deniability.

- while many kids liked him, a few kids hated him and had a hard time explaining why. Because so many kids liked him and thought he was cool, it was assumed by the adults that you could just dismiss the kids who didn’t like him — like they must be antisocial or difficult.

- He resented the kids who didn’t like him in a way that felt way too personal.

There were other things, but those were the bigger dynamics. Important to know that some people — particularly those with social capital (money, power, popularity) — thought he was great, which is why it was so easy to dismiss those who expressed concern or the kids who were uncomfortable. He was smart — smarter than many of the adults around him, and he’d figured out how to get the “right” people on his side. And that’s how he had the access to the kids that he did. He’s in prison now, but a lot of damage was done.

TLDR: if your kid is uncomfortable with someone, especially in a way that they and you can’t quite put a finger on, trust that. Trust it. We all have a wisdom that is more embodied than logical, and it is there for a reason.

I’m one of the prior posters and I think it is really key to be the adult who is a little bit obnoxious and unfraid of being judged. If your kid doesn’t like someone everyone else does, back them up. If someone is trusted by powerful people, but not you, ask questions and be cautious. Say no to sleepovers or one on one time even if all the other kids and families are doing it. Predators succeed when their environment and the children’s families are too “polite” to raise concerns or consider the worst - or when systems (like high-profile schools) have too much at stake to act. Being unafraid of the social risks sends a message that you are watching and keeps your kid safer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a literal child predator who is now in prison for his crimes. Many people didn’t suspect him, even after a number of red flags, because he was skilled at grooming the adults around him, too. But there were signs.

- he wanted to be buddy-buddy with the kids, in a way that made him a favorite to many kids….but was deeply off-putting to a few.

- related to above, he didn’t treat all kids with equal kindness or respect. He teased or made examples of kids who didn’t quite fit in. Almost like he was playing in-group/out-group games.

- he had a vision of himself as someone who “got” kids more than other adults. The other grownups were uptight, uncool. “They” were harmful to the kids. By contrast he was the one who could see it, and be the kids’ friend. (A different way of saying this is that he was creating a wedge between the kids and the other adults in their lives, and inserting himself into the space).

- he sometimes made jokes that pushed the boundaries. Nothing major, nothing glaringly obvious, and there was always plausible deniability. They were little things, but they were off.

- similarly, sometimes he engaged in conversations that were a little too personal. Talked to kids about who liked who, that sort of thing. Again, there was always plausible deniability.

- while many kids liked him, a few kids hated him and had a hard time explaining why. Because so many kids liked him and thought he was cool, it was assumed by the adults that you could just dismiss the kids who didn’t like him — like they must be antisocial or difficult.

- He resented the kids who didn’t like him in a way that felt way too personal.

There were other things, but those were the bigger dynamics. Important to know that some people — particularly those with social capital (money, power, popularity) — thought he was great, which is why it was so easy to dismiss those who expressed concern or the kids who were uncomfortable. He was smart — smarter than many of the adults around him, and he’d figured out how to get the “right” people on his side. And that’s how he had the access to the kids that he did. He’s in prison now, but a lot of damage was done.

TLDR: if your kid is uncomfortable with someone, especially in a way that they and you can’t quite put a finger on, trust that. Trust it. We all have a wisdom that is more embodied than logical, and it is there for a reason.

There was this dynamic in the rowing team at Whitman HS in MCPS during the years that the predator coach operated. Some of his female students had complained about him but they had been ignored by the parent board, because he made friends with the parents, and the parents counted on him to win races and burnish their kids' college admissions. When everything came out in a big way and he was sentenced to 3 years in prison, some of the board members claimed ignorance, and the others stayed mighty quiet.

Everything gets so much worse when the adults who are supposed to be part of the village go along with a predator and ignore complaints.

[Anonymous]

Red flags don’t mean someone is a predator it just means they are things to look out for and be aware of.

Person with a dog leash walking past a playground asks kids “ have you seen a brown dog run by?” This is not a flag and kids can answer the question.
If the person says “ can you help me look for my dog” now that’s a red flag. They should say no. If person doesnt leave the playground they should leave together and go home.

Red flags are called flags for a reason, have your guard up and pay attention.

[Anonymous]

Red flags mean I don’t risk my child’s safety just because I don’t have 100% proof. Wise parents listen to their gut. You hear your child when they say a certain someone is creepy.

[Anonymous]

The risk is *anywhere*.

It might be church-related, but it is not always church-related. Our church's trips include a parent with their child, not the child solo, which reduces risk since the parent is there to supervise.