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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I know a literal child predator who is now in prison for his crimes. Many people didn’t suspect him, even after a number of red flags, because he was skilled at grooming the adults around him, too. But there were signs.

- he wanted to be buddy-buddy with the kids, in a way that made him a favorite to many kids….but was deeply off-putting to a few.

- related to above, he didn’t treat all kids with equal kindness or respect. He teased or made examples of kids who didn’t quite fit in. Almost like he was playing in-group/out-group games.

- he had a vision of himself as someone who “got” kids more than other adults. The other grownups were uptight, uncool. “They” were harmful to the kids. By contrast he was the one who could see it, and be the kids’ friend. (A different way of saying this is that he was creating a wedge between the kids and the other adults in their lives, and inserting himself into the space).

- he sometimes made jokes that pushed the boundaries. Nothing major, nothing glaringly obvious, and there was always plausible deniability. They were little things, but they were off.

- similarly, sometimes he engaged in conversations that were a little too personal. Talked to kids about who liked who, that sort of thing. Again, there was always plausible deniability.

- while many kids liked him, a few kids hated him and had a hard time explaining why. Because so many kids liked him and thought he was cool, it was assumed by the adults that you could just dismiss the kids who didn’t like him — like they must be antisocial or difficult.

- He resented the kids who didn’t like him in a way that felt way too personal.

There were other things, but those were the bigger dynamics. Important to know that some people — particularly those with social capital (money, power, popularity) — thought he was great, which is why it was so easy to dismiss those who expressed concern or the kids who were uncomfortable. He was smart — smarter than many of the adults around him, and he’d figured out how to get the “right” people on his side. And that’s how he had the access to the kids that he did. He’s in prison now, but a lot of damage was done.

TLDR: if your kid is uncomfortable with someone, especially in a way that they and you can’t quite put a finger on, trust that. Trust it. We all have a wisdom that is more embodied than logical, and it is there for a reason. [/quote]

I’m one of the prior posters and I think it is really key to be the adult who is a little bit obnoxious and unfraid of being judged. If your kid doesn’t like someone everyone else does, back them up. If someone is trusted by powerful people, but not you, ask questions and be cautious. Say no to sleepovers or one on one time even if all the other kids and families are doing it. Predators succeed when their environment and the children’s families are too “polite” to raise concerns or consider the worst - or when systems (like high-profile schools) have too much at stake to act. Being unafraid of the social risks sends a message that you are watching and keeps your kid safer. [/quote]

I think this is BS. Our strategy against child predators can’t be for parents to try be cooler than the cool kids and this level of sanctimonious. We need to do practical things to make it difficult for them to operate. [/quote]

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