Women in the family judging wife for being SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The women who criticize are probably projecting some jealousy. I'm a working mom with no time for myself - it's work, kids, and running a house. I used to think less of women who stayed home when I was young and didn't have kids yet, because my parents had a super traditional marriage, and my mom had no power or access to money. I no longer think that life with kids is chaos and whatever you can do to mitigate the chaos that is good for you, your marriage, and your kids is the right choice for you. And again, anyone criticizing is probably projecting.

I agree that most judgment is rooted in some envy or lack of confidence. I am on the opposite side of this post: both my siblings are in households where one parent stays home (in one household it's the dad, in one, the mother). I have gotten not-so-subtle judgment about our two working parent household for as long as I can remember: comments about how sad it is that our kids were in daycare, in camp, barely saw me when I had busy times at work. I just smiled and moved on, but I think, in general, people that do this are just trying to justify their own choices (especially when they are doubting them). I am happy with my choices, and I truly hope they can be happy with theirs. I refuse to be drawn into this sort of crap. That's the best advice I can give you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, some people aren’t cut out to be full time parents. I think they feel like there is something wrong with them, so they feel guilty and mad at those who are delighted at being a full time parents.
Being a full time parent is a hard job, it IS work, and often 18-24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. I don’t know why people say it’s “not working”. There are, of course, parents who stay home full time and use a nanny or daycare 12 hrs a day - and that’s a different situation.

But still, someone is doing the JOB of caring for the children. It is a job. Working parents should realize this more than anyone, each week when they sign the check.

[Anonymous]

My knee jerk is, OP this is YOUR family so YOU shut them down. This isn’t a “backup” role this is you proactively break in and say something like “what do you mean “do something” mom?”

But thinking for a moment about some family dynamics in my husbands family…is your family pulling your weight equal to your siblings? My sister-in-law deeply resents the amount of resources her parents pour into her sisters family to support their “traditional” choices. She would absolutely say something like this on a vacation that she paid for that ILs treated her sister to. Not saying it’s right just saying family dynamics are complicated.

[Anonymous]

If they are self-proclaimed progressives and feminists I'd call them on it (YOU, not your wife). "Hey sis, I thought you called yourself a progressive feminist? How is implying Larla's choice isn't "doing anything" either of those things? She has a degree in chemistry and worked for 8 years, and she runs the finances for the PTA and spends a lot of time learning about plants and gardening, you know that, right? How isn't that something?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women who criticize are probably projecting some jealousy. I'm a working mom with no time for myself - it's work, kids, and running a house. I used to think less of women who stayed home when I was young and didn't have kids yet, because my parents had a super traditional marriage, and my mom had no power or access to money. I no longer think that life with kids is chaos and whatever you can do to mitigate the chaos that is good for you, your marriage, and your kids is the right choice for you. And again, anyone criticizing is probably projecting.

100%. I have always been a strong feminist. It was so important to me that I could independently finance our household if needed (and DH could as well). Worked my ass off. Two kids, busy husband, total chaos. I recently lost my job. After the initial sadness, I am surprisingly content. Our house is so much more peaceful. US society is generally not set up for two people working (not enough time) or one person working (not enough money). It’s really sad. Ignore your relatives. Do whatever works for your family.

This was my exact experience after circumstances had me SAH. Our life was SO CALM and orderly. The thing is, you have to be the right type of person who is married to the right type of husband to make this work. I think some women know their limitations, or accept their husband’s wouldn’t be supportive, but that DOES NOT give them the right to judge someone else.

Never hang with Democrats, they some judgy SOB’s.

[Anonymous]

My older sister was VERY judgey of SAHMs. She would make snide comments to her then MIL about being one (well, ex-MIL now).
She would also put me down in public for being one during my SAHM years.
She prioritized her career over her kids and family.
Today she is divorced and her kids don't want to have anything to do with her. She also stopped working and is living off alimony to spite her ex-husband. She camps out at our mother's house for months at a time or with a shrinking group of friends.
As a working mom, I know and see how it influences the children. I told her that she should find some kind of job, at the very least to earn the respect of the kids. That got her PISSED.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are self-proclaimed progressives and feminists I'd call them on it (YOU, not your wife). "Hey sis, I thought you called yourself a progressive feminist? How is implying Larla's choice isn't "doing anything" either of those things? She has a degree in chemistry and worked for 8 years, and she runs the finances for the PTA and spends a lot of time learning about plants and gardening, you know that, right? How isn't that something?"

The “feminists” would spin in that it isn’t fair to the MEN! They have to work every day now, after all. Who is thinking of the MEN! Maybe the MEN don’t want to work! Maybe the MEN can’t speak for themselves or something. THINK OF THE MEN!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a feminist, and think that part of being one is accepting that women do what they want without being held back by men.

I grew up with a depressed SAHM. In elementary school my hair was always in a messy ponytail because that's all I could do, I made my own breakfast and lunch, I walked myself to school after locking the front door, and I came home to a note with a list of chores. I wish my mother had worked! If I'd come home to homemade cookies just ONCE I could have ridden that high for years.

And lots of us had the same deal with working moms...

I know, and WISH my mom had worked. At least it would have made sense. Plus I'd have had more freedom - I'd have been able to blast music while I did my chores, wouldn't have had to sit on the floor next to my mother splayed out on the couch or her bed and entertained her, been able to call my friends and do homework over the phone together, etc. Plus we'd have had more money, and my dad would have had less stress.

I'm a working mom, and I loved having a stay-at-home mom. We always had a healthy snack after school, and she ran us all around to sports and supported us in homework, and we had a family dinner together most nights. Plus, we had plenty of money because my dad could focus on his business while she ran the home. My dad would've been more stressed if he were home more often because he doesn't have the patience or disposition to spend a lot of time with young kids.

That said, I work because even though I had an ideal childhood with a mom who was devoted and supportive, I also felt sorry for my mom because she had no autonomy, respect or access to money. I know women who are very happy staying home, and I think the key is having a very supportive working spouse who values the effort of the stay-at-home spouse, and they have complete transparency and shared control over money.

Yes. If you do not have financial control and financial security, being a SAHM can be a risk.

[Anonymous]

I had a very successful career as does one of my daughters. My other daughter is a SAHM with four young children. I am equally proud of both of them. They made the decision that was best for them and they are happy. What more could a mother ask for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are self-proclaimed progressives and feminists I'd call them on it (YOU, not your wife). "Hey sis, I thought you called yourself a progressive feminist? How is implying Larla's choice isn't "doing anything" either of those things? She has a degree in chemistry and worked for 8 years, and she runs the finances for the PTA and spends a lot of time learning about plants and gardening, you know that, right? How isn't that something?"

The “feminists” would spin in that it isn’t fair to the MEN! They have to work every day now, after all. Who is thinking of the MEN! Maybe the MEN don’t want to work! Maybe the MEN can’t speak for themselves or something. THINK OF THE MEN!

I’m a feminist and think the language of choice is vastly overstated because so much of this “choice” relies on the choices of men. And yes, I think woman who don’t consider the actually dreams of the men in their lives but only their own are poor humans. As a human, I believe all adults should be able to financially care for themselves and their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a very successful career as does one of my daughters. My other daughter is a SAHM with four young children. I am equally proud of both of them. They made the decision that was best for them and they are happy. What more could a mother ask for?

For her daughter to be able to support herself and her household?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are self-proclaimed progressives and feminists I'd call them on it (YOU, not your wife). "Hey sis, I thought you called yourself a progressive feminist? How is implying Larla's choice isn't "doing anything" either of those things? She has a degree in chemistry and worked for 8 years, and she runs the finances for the PTA and spends a lot of time learning about plants and gardening, you know that, right? How isn't that something?"

The “feminists” would spin in that it isn’t fair to the MEN! They have to work every day now, after all. Who is thinking of the MEN! Maybe the MEN don’t want to work! Maybe the MEN can’t speak for themselves or something. THINK OF THE MEN!

I’m a feminist and think the language of choice is vastly overstated because so much of this “choice” relies on the choices of men. And yes, I think woman who don’t consider the actually dreams of the men in their lives but only their own are poor humans. As a human, I believe all adults should be able to financially care for themselves and their children.

I disagree. A woman chooses who she has a baby with. If she chooses to have a baby with a man who isn’t going to support her to SAH as she wishes, then she’s made a choice herself.

[Anonymous]

Women belong in the home, that’s what you should tell them. While their kids are at daycare or wherever, yours are at home with their mother. This is the real feminism.

I’m so glad society is shifting and now so many more women are proud to be SAHMs (just look at the posters on this thread). I think we will soon see enrollment rates for girls drop at college because what’s the point of an education when staying at home become normalized as a career path, it’s the hardest job in the world after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:True feminists support women's' rights to do anything they want- be a sahm or be a CEO.

You as the spouse should absolutely shut this down, especially if it's your family making comments. It's not okay.

I'm a leftist second wave feminist with advanced degree, and was a sahm, homeschooling mom. My husband knew this was the plan when we married and was a huge support. My family would have been fine if I'd worked outside the home, but this was the life I wanted. My choice. My parents were always concerned I would be bored, but I truly loved those years.

Someone has to do childcare. It doesn't have to be a parent. But if you value and respect those who provide that care for your children, you should be able to extend that grace to women who make the choice to stay home, providing unpaid labor for their families. Obviously, its a luxury to have the choice to be a one income family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women belong in the home, that’s what you should tell them. While their kids are at daycare or wherever, yours are at home with their mother. This is the real feminism.

I’m so glad society is shifting and now so many more women are proud to be SAHMs (just look at the posters on this thread). I think we will soon see enrollment rates for girls drop at college because what’s the point of an education when staying at home become normalized as a career path, it’s the hardest job in the world after all.

You are a troll, but to respond to one of your trollish points, the woman in my family who stays home has a phd. Who wants their children raised by an unintelligent partner? One of the biggest factors in the success of children is their parents' education level.