Women in the family judging wife for being SAHM

[Anonymous]

I was both a WAHM and a SAHM at different points, and rest assured that I was often called upon to defend both choices. You can't please everyone, but if you tell the busybodies that you're quite happy with your lifestyle it tends to shut them up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was both a WAHM and a SAHM at different points, and rest assured that I was often called upon to defend both choices. You can't please everyone, but if you tell the busybodies that you're quite happy with your lifestyle it tends to shut them up.

For years I felt really guilty saying this to the faces of women who would shame me, and I don’t know why. I WAS happy not working. I WAS enjoying spending time with my babies and finding more fulfillment in that than I was at work, or at least at the thought of going to work instead, at that moment.

Then I found myself at a work event with DH when a woman chatted me up and was like, “I can not imagine just not working and being home with kids all day. Like, I just can’t imagine being happy doing that,” laughing and clearly trying to make me feel bad. And I sort of had a Me, Myself, and Irene moment and lost it and was like, “I honestly can’t imagine being proud of myself at work all day while my babies were missing me,” and walked away. That was a turning point for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was both a WAHM and a SAHM at different points, and rest assured that I was often called upon to defend both choices. You can't please everyone, but if you tell the busybodies that you're quite happy with your lifestyle it tends to shut them up.

For years I felt really guilty saying this to the faces of women who would shame me, and I don’t know why. I WAS happy not working. I WAS enjoying spending time with my babies and finding more fulfillment in that than I was at work, or at least at the thought of going to work instead, at that moment.

Then I found myself at a work event with DH when a woman chatted me up and was like, “I can not imagine just not working and being home with kids all day. Like, I just can’t imagine being happy doing that,” laughing and clearly trying to make me feel bad. And I sort of had a Me, Myself, and Irene moment and lost it and was like, “I honestly can’t imagine being proud of myself at work all day while my babies were missing me,” and walked away. That was a turning point for me.

I meant to add, after this I would proudly tell people that I absolutely love my life, without shame. They can’t argue with that, and if they do, it says more about them than it does me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was both a WAHM and a SAHM at different points, and rest assured that I was often called upon to defend both choices. You can't please everyone, but if you tell the busybodies that you're quite happy with your lifestyle it tends to shut them up.

For years I felt really guilty saying this to the faces of women who would shame me, and I don’t know why. I WAS happy not working. I WAS enjoying spending time with my babies and finding more fulfillment in that than I was at work, or at least at the thought of going to work instead, at that moment.

Then I found myself at a work event with DH when a woman chatted me up and was like, “I can not imagine just not working and being home with kids all day. Like, I just can’t imagine being happy doing that,” laughing and clearly trying to make me feel bad. And I sort of had a Me, Myself, and Irene moment and lost it and was like, “I honestly can’t imagine being proud of myself at work all day while my babies were missing me,” and walked away. That was a turning point for me.

I hate it when we, as women and mothers, criticize, belittle, or mock each other for the choices we make related to working or staying home with kids. Most of us love our kids to death, and we make the best choice for our family based on our circumstances. I wish we'd let go of the idea that there is one universally right choice for all families and start supporting each other. We are lucky to live in a time when we have choices!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a feminist, and think that part of being one is accepting that women do what they want without being held back by men.

I grew up with a depressed SAHM. In elementary school my hair was always in a messy ponytail because that's all I could do, I made my own breakfast and lunch, I walked myself to school after locking the front door, and I came home to a note with a list of chores. I wish my mother had worked! If I'd come home to homemade cookies just ONCE I could have ridden that high for years.

And lots of us had the same deal with working moms...

I know, and WISH my mom had worked. At least it would have made sense. Plus I'd have had more freedom - I'd have been able to blast music while I did my chores, wouldn't have had to sit on the floor next to my mother splayed out on the couch or her bed and entertained her, been able to call my friends and do homework over the phone together, etc. Plus we'd have had more money, and my dad would have had less stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got so tired of hearing this that now I simply respond, “I do whatever I want”, when people would ask what I do all day.

lol. I think that's fine.

There are some women who actually don't care about a career, and I think for other women, that's hard to fathom.

I did the sahm thing for a couple of years, and it definitely reduced the stress. But, I did not feel fulfilled, that's for sure. Some women can't understand that because being a mom and wife is fulfilling enough for them.

The great thing about today's world is that women can choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was both a WAHM and a SAHM at different points, and rest assured that I was often called upon to defend both choices. You can't please everyone, but if you tell the busybodies that you're quite happy with your lifestyle it tends to shut them up.

For years I felt really guilty saying this to the faces of women who would shame me, and I don’t know why. I WAS happy not working. I WAS enjoying spending time with my babies and finding more fulfillment in that than I was at work, or at least at the thought of going to work instead, at that moment.

Then I found myself at a work event with DH when a woman chatted me up and was like, “I can not imagine just not working and being home with kids all day. Like, I just can’t imagine being happy doing that,” laughing and clearly trying to make me feel bad. And I sort of had a Me, Myself, and Irene moment and lost it and was like, “I honestly can’t imagine being proud of myself at work all day while my babies were missing me,” and walked away. That was a turning point for me.

I meant to add, after this I would proudly tell people that I absolutely love my life, without shame. They can’t argue with that, and if they do, it says more about them than it does me.

My nest is almost empty, and now I sometimes get, "Oh, you must be SO excited to get back to work." And I just smile and tell them that I'm really enjoying my early retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a feminist, and think that part of being one is accepting that women do what they want without being held back by men.

I grew up with a depressed SAHM. In elementary school my hair was always in a messy ponytail because that's all I could do, I made my own breakfast and lunch, I walked myself to school after locking the front door, and I came home to a note with a list of chores. I wish my mother had worked! If I'd come home to homemade cookies just ONCE I could have ridden that high for years.

And lots of us had the same deal with working moms...

I know, and WISH my mom had worked. At least it would have made sense. Plus I'd have had more freedom - I'd have been able to blast music while I did my chores, wouldn't have had to sit on the floor next to my mother splayed out on the couch or her bed and entertained her, been able to call my friends and do homework over the phone together, etc. Plus we'd have had more money, and my dad would have had less stress.

I'm a working mom, and I loved having a stay-at-home mom. We always had a healthy snack after school, and she ran us all around to sports and supported us in homework, and we had a family dinner together most nights. Plus, we had plenty of money because my dad could focus on his business while she ran the home. My dad would've been more stressed if he were home more often because he doesn't have the patience or disposition to spend a lot of time with young kids.

That said, I work because even though I had an ideal childhood with a mom who was devoted and supportive, I also felt sorry for my mom because she had no autonomy, respect or access to money. I know women who are very happy staying home, and I think the key is having a very supportive working spouse who values the effort of the stay-at-home spouse, and they have complete transparency and shared control over money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was both a WAHM and a SAHM at different points, and rest assured that I was often called upon to defend both choices. You can't please everyone, but if you tell the busybodies that you're quite happy with your lifestyle it tends to shut them up.

For years I felt really guilty saying this to the faces of women who would shame me, and I don’t know why. I WAS happy not working. I WAS enjoying spending time with my babies and finding more fulfillment in that than I was at work, or at least at the thought of going to work instead, at that moment.

Then I found myself at a work event with DH when a woman chatted me up and was like, “I can not imagine just not working and being home with kids all day. Like, I just can’t imagine being happy doing that,” laughing and clearly trying to make me feel bad. And I sort of had a Me, Myself, and Irene moment and lost it and was like, “I honestly can’t imagine being proud of myself at work all day while my babies were missing me,” and walked away. That was a turning point for me.

I hate it when we, as women and mothers, criticize, belittle, or mock each other for the choices we make related to working or staying home with kids. Most of us love our kids to death, and we make the best choice for our family based on our circumstances. I wish we'd let go of the idea that there is one universally right choice for all families and start supporting each other. We are lucky to live in a time when we have choices!

PP you quoted and I agree. I don’t care either way what a woman finds fulfilling, and I would never have said that unprompted. Why would I care what another woman does? There is so much ego and projection in those comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was both a WAHM and a SAHM at different points, and rest assured that I was often called upon to defend both choices. You can't please everyone, but if you tell the busybodies that you're quite happy with your lifestyle it tends to shut them up.

For years I felt really guilty saying this to the faces of women who would shame me, and I don’t know why. I WAS happy not working. I WAS enjoying spending time with my babies and finding more fulfillment in that than I was at work, or at least at the thought of going to work instead, at that moment.

Then I found myself at a work event with DH when a woman chatted me up and was like, “I can not imagine just not working and being home with kids all day. Like, I just can’t imagine being happy doing that,” laughing and clearly trying to make me feel bad. And I sort of had a Me, Myself, and Irene moment and lost it and was like, “I honestly can’t imagine being proud of myself at work all day while my babies were missing me,” and walked away. That was a turning point for me.

I hate it when we, as women and mothers, criticize, belittle, or mock each other for the choices we make related to working or staying home with kids. Most of us love our kids to death, and we make the best choice for our family based on our circumstances. I wish we'd let go of the idea that there is one universally right choice for all families and start supporting each other. We are lucky to live in a time when we have choices!

PP you quoted and I agree. I don’t care either way what a woman finds fulfilling, and I would never have said that unprompted. Why would I care what another woman does? There is so much ego and projection in those comments.

*unprovoked

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM and fwiw I got a thick skin about it really fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The women who criticize are probably projecting some jealousy. I'm a working mom with no time for myself - it's work, kids, and running a house. I used to think less of women who stayed home when I was young and didn't have kids yet, because my parents had a super traditional marriage, and my mom had no power or access to money. I no longer think that life with kids is chaos and whatever you can do to mitigate the chaos that is good for you, your marriage, and your kids is the right choice for you. And again, anyone criticizing is probably projecting.

100%. I have always been a strong feminist. It was so important to me that I could independently finance our household if needed (and DH could as well). Worked my ass off. Two kids, busy husband, total chaos. I recently lost my job. After the initial sadness, I am surprisingly content. Our house is so much more peaceful. US society is generally not set up for two people working (not enough time) or one person working (not enough money). It’s really sad. Ignore your relatives. Do whatever works for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got so tired of hearing this that now I simply respond, “I do whatever I want”, when people would ask what I do all day.

Haha me too!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, some people aren’t cut out to be full time parents. I think they feel like there is something wrong with them, so they feel guilty and mad at those who are delighted at being a full time parents.
Being a full time parent is a hard job, it IS work, and often 18-24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. I don’t know why people say it’s “not working”. There are, of course, parents who stay home full time and use a nanny or daycare 12 hrs a day - and that’s a different situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women who criticize are probably projecting some jealousy. I'm a working mom with no time for myself - it's work, kids, and running a house. I used to think less of women who stayed home when I was young and didn't have kids yet, because my parents had a super traditional marriage, and my mom had no power or access to money. I no longer think that life with kids is chaos and whatever you can do to mitigate the chaos that is good for you, your marriage, and your kids is the right choice for you. And again, anyone criticizing is probably projecting.

100%. I have always been a strong feminist. It was so important to me that I could independently finance our household if needed (and DH could as well). Worked my ass off. Two kids, busy husband, total chaos. I recently lost my job. After the initial sadness, I am surprisingly content. Our house is so much more peaceful. US society is generally not set up for two people working (not enough time) or one person working (not enough money). It’s really sad. Ignore your relatives. Do whatever works for your family.

This was my exact experience after circumstances had me SAH. Our life was SO CALM and orderly. The thing is, you have to be the right type of person who is married to the right type of husband to make this work. I think some women know their limitations, or accept their husband’s wouldn’t be supportive, but that DOES NOT give them the right to judge someone else.