What's the biggest financial decision your spouse has made during your marriage without notice or consent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Paid off our car.

OP, what you stated is insane. Therapy is good but I would have a serious talk with your husband. This sounds awful.

I know. Since we implemented a degree of separation a couple of years ago due to a debt situation, I guess I lost my right to ask questions. After I pushed back on the $1m outlay, he retorted by getting mad at me for how much I've saved in our kids' college accounts (I've saved annually less than 2% of our HHI). Perhaps, as they say, the s*** is hitting the fan on this stuff, as when I asked to look at recent credit card statements, he said he doesn't want to be audited and asked for a "break" in our marriage, then went golfing.

[Anonymous]

Spouse manages investments without my input, but I guess we did discuss managing investments without my input. But it’s pretty much a blank check. Like we didn’t discuss percentages or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse manages investments without my input, but I guess we did discuss managing investments without my input. But it’s pretty much a blank check. Like we didn’t discuss percentages or anything.

Would you and your spouse be okay with sharing credit card statements that were paid from a joint account if the other one asked to see them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paid off our car.

OP, what you stated is insane. Therapy is good but I would have a serious talk with your husband. This sounds awful.

I know. Since we implemented a degree of separation a couple of years ago due to a debt situation, I guess I lost my right to ask questions. After I pushed back on the $1m outlay, he retorted by getting mad at me for how much I've saved in our kids' college accounts (I've saved annually less than 2% of our HHI). Perhaps, as they say, the s*** is hitting the fan on this stuff, as when I asked to look at recent credit card statements, he said he doesn't want to be audited and asked for a "break" in our marriage, then went golfing.

You're definitely in the worst of worlds now. You are married to him so you are on the hook for any debt he incurs. And yet you are (informally?) separated so he has no reason to cooperate, answer your questions, or reveal any financial information.

You really should have just pushed ahead with divorce. That way at least you'd be entitled to "audit" his finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paid off our car.

OP, what you stated is insane. Therapy is good but I would have a serious talk with your husband. This sounds awful.

I know. Since we implemented a degree of separation a couple of years ago due to a debt situation, I guess I lost my right to ask questions. After I pushed back on the $1m outlay, he retorted by getting mad at me for how much I've saved in our kids' college accounts (I've saved annually less than 2% of our HHI). Perhaps, as they say, the s*** is hitting the fan on this stuff, as when I asked to look at recent credit card statements, he said he doesn't want to be audited and asked for a "break" in our marriage, then went golfing.

You're definitely in the worst of worlds now. You are married to him so you are on the hook for any debt he incurs. And yet you are (informally?) separated so he has no reason to cooperate, answer your questions, or reveal any financial information.

You really should have just pushed ahead with divorce. That way at least you'd be entitled to "audit" his finances.

I feel so much better now.
I guess I'll see an attorney.

[Anonymous]

I’m still confused if you can make the new mortgage payment. Can you? Doesn’t cha ge that it was an awful thing to do you and probably a stupid financial decision. I’m just wondering how bad it’s hurting you each month and what his thought process was on how to pay it.
The college savings situations is also awful, by the way. Seems like he resents the savings and this is a spiteful way for him to spend extra. I bet he thinks you’ll tap into that.

[Anonymous]

To OP- what exactly happened?!

[Anonymous]

Just so many different posts can follow which goes to what situation.

[Anonymous]

I asked a similar question a while ago and was shocked at some of the responses. I remember the person who said he/she bought a horse without their spouse’s input. Bold.

I have made some expensive handbag purchases in the $3-4K range without prior discussion. DH asks for approval on everything. This works for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To OP- what exactly happened?!

1. Unilaterally committed $1m to a club and real estate investment. To afford the purchase, he wants to get a second mortgage on our house. We already have a significant mortgage, and we are not young. He made it clear that he will resent me and punish me if I push back (if we can't afford that, then we can't afford x, y, and z), so it's a lose-lose.
2. Responded that it was justified because I "unilaterally" started 529 plans for our kids (I save less than 2% of our HHI in 529 plans annually).
3. When I asked to see his credit card statements, prompted by recent increases in spending, he asked for a break in our marriage, then went golfing while I went to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m still confused if you can make the new mortgage payment. Can you? Doesn’t cha ge that it was an awful thing to do you and probably a stupid financial decision. I’m just wondering how bad it’s hurting you each month and what his thought process was on how to pay it.
The college savings situations is also awful, by the way. Seems like he resents the savings and this is a spiteful way for him to spend extra. I bet he thinks you’ll tap into that.

No. Our burn rate would exceed our income, and we'd dip into savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP- what exactly happened?!

1. Unilaterally committed $1m to a club and real estate investment. To afford the purchase, he wants to get a second mortgage on our house. We already have a significant mortgage, and we are not young. He made it clear that he will resent me and punish me if I push back (if we can't afford that, then we can't afford x, y, and z), so it's a lose-lose.
2. Responded that it was justified because I "unilaterally" started 529 plans for our kids (I save less than 2% of our HHI in 529 plans annually).
3. When I asked to see his credit card statements, prompted by recent increases in spending, he asked for a break in our marriage, then went golfing while I went to work.

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

Op sounds like a troll. Per op, her husband makes a lot. Any man who makes a “lot” isn’t this stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband spent $250k (refundable) and committed another $750k (that we don't have) for a hobby/investment. Never discussed; its clear that he'll never let it go if I make him get out.

He gave away my old car (I bought a new one) worth abput 15k to his relative without asking me. He's claiming I told him to do it, but I never would. This is a pattern.

Over the last two months, he's made $90k in credit card payments and wires that I have no access to see.

He makes a lot but spends more. I'm going to find a therapist today. I am literally beside myself and can't function.

We’ve operated on a his/hers/ours system that isn't great but prevents daily arguments.

Today he is golfing while I work.

Wow. We’re pretty wealthy and our hm we is $400. You’re saying he plans to spend a million dollars on a hobby? Sounds like a boat or RV but that’s not an investment since they loose value. Whats his plan to pay for it?

It was joining a club that also requires a real estate purchase. His plan to pay for the real estate purchase was to take a second mortgage against our house that already has a significant mortgage on it. We’re not young.

I wonder if we’ve reached a point where the exposure is so great that we just can’t stay married, all other issues aside. Or I can ride it out in a state of anxiety until the kids go to college and maybe or maybe not be able to retire sometime. The unilateral spending has been consistent for an entire marriage; it just recently got to a level I can't ignore.

Yeah, you need therapy. Find one you like and come up with a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like a troll. Per op, her husband makes a lot. Any man who makes a “lot” isn’t this stupid.

You'd be surprised. Overspending occurs across all income levels, and high-income people, in particular, can be overconfident in themselves and susceptible to thinking that their high income makes them immune to financial problems, until their problems can become really large. It's normal for a saver like the OP to be super anxious in a marriage to a spender. It's too late now, but avoiding marrying people who don't share your values is the solution.