What's the biggest financial decision your spouse has made during your marriage without notice or consent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband spent $250k (refundable) and committed another $750k (that we don't have) for a hobby/investment. Never discussed; its clear that he'll never let it go if I make him get out.

He gave away my old car (I bought a new one) worth abput 15k to his relative without asking me. He's claiming I told him to do it, but I never would. This is a pattern.

Over the last two months, he's made $90k in credit card payments and wires that I have no access to see.

He makes a lot but spends more. I'm going to find a therapist today. I am literally beside myself and can't function.

We’ve operated on a his/hers/ours system that isn't great but prevents daily arguments.

Today he is golfing while I work.

Wow. We’re pretty wealthy and our hm we is $400. You’re saying he plans to spend a million dollars on a hobby? Sounds like a boat or RV but that’s not an investment since they loose value. Whats his plan to pay for it?

It was joining a club that also requires a real estate purchase. His plan to pay for the real estate purchase was to take a second mortgage against our house that already has a significant mortgage on it. We’re not young.

I wonder if we’ve reached a point where the exposure is so great that we just can’t stay married, all other issues aside. Or I can ride it out in a state of anxiety until the kids go to college and maybe or maybe not be able to retire sometime. The unilateral spending has been consistent for an entire marriage; it just recently got to a level I can't ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Placed two short positions that started at 250k each and ballooned to -600k and -800k each. One was closed against the box, the other I made him move against individual assets and sign a legal agreement of responsibility (short is still open).

Marriage is a landmine of exposure with the wrong person.

Piggybacking on this, is there a point at which the exposure is so great that you initiate a divorce primarily to protect yourself and your kids financially?

Yes, even if you continue living together in love and bliss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Found out that he gives $5K every year to charity and his company matches it. This has been happening for years. And I am the person who clips coupons and shops at Aldi!

I was pissed for a moment, then I forgave him. Mainly because this is not really a bad thing, is it? And he is a stubborn man. He will not stop.

Mine is also guilty of the charitable giving while I'm the frugal one. Charity starts at home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Found out that he gives $5K every year to charity and his company matches it. This has been happening for years. And I am the person who clips coupons and shops at Aldi!

I was pissed for a moment, then I forgave him. Mainly because this is not really a bad thing, is it? And he is a stubborn man. He will not stop.

What charity? Something his friend or family runs or good for you and the kids?

Or like his alma mater prep school or college?

[Anonymous]

Told me he was going to go buy a car and then just went and bought it. He is the much more fiscally responsible person anyway so he didn't overspend but we didn't discuss specifics of what and how much. It's totally fine, i mostly spaced as I had a 6 month old and a 4 year old and he came home with a new car one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband spent $250k (refundable) and committed another $750k (that we don't have) for a hobby/investment. Never discussed; its clear that he'll never let it go if I make him get out.

He gave away my old car (I bought a new one) worth abput 15k to his relative without asking me. He's claiming I told him to do it, but I never would. This is a pattern.

Over the last two months, he's made $90k in credit card payments and wires that I have no access to see.

He makes a lot but spends more. I'm going to find a therapist today. I am literally beside myself and can't function.

We’ve operated on a his/hers/ours system that isn't great but prevents daily arguments.

Today he is golfing while I work.

Wow. We’re pretty wealthy and our hm we is $400. You’re saying he plans to spend a million dollars on a hobby? Sounds like a boat or RV but that’s not an investment since they loose value. Whats his plan to pay for it?

It was joining a club that also requires a real estate purchase. His plan to pay for the real estate purchase was to take a second mortgage against our house that already has a significant mortgage on it. We’re not young.

I wonder if we’ve reached a point where the exposure is so great that we just can’t stay married, all other issues aside. Or I can ride it out in a state of anxiety until the kids go to college and maybe or maybe not be able to retire sometime. The unilateral spending has been consistent for an entire marriage; it just recently got to a level I can't ignore.

Oh my god. I would be deeply, deeply stressed to be in debt much debt.

My husband spends a tremendous amount of money on our house -- like $150k one year, 80K another year -- but he pays with cash and feels it is an "investment." It bothered me a lot (because many of the decisions are wants and not needs, like top of the line insulation), but now I accept that it's his money. He doesn't save for college at all, so I invested my savings and an inheritance for college funds for our two kids.

If it was mortgaged, I would be freaking out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband spent $250k (refundable) and committed another $750k (that we don't have) for a hobby/investment. Never discussed; its clear that he'll never let it go if I make him get out.

He gave away my old car (I bought a new one) worth abput 15k to his relative without asking me. He's claiming I told him to do it, but I never would. This is a pattern.

Over the last two months, he's made $90k in credit card payments and wires that I have no access to see.

He makes a lot but spends more. I'm going to find a therapist today. I am literally beside myself and can't function.

We’ve operated on a his/hers/ours system that isn't great but prevents daily arguments.

Today he is golfing while I work.

Wow. We’re pretty wealthy and our hm we is $400. You’re saying he plans to spend a million dollars on a hobby? Sounds like a boat or RV but that’s not an investment since they loose value. Whats his plan to pay for it?

It was joining a club that also requires a real estate purchase. His plan to pay for the real estate purchase was to take a second mortgage against our house that already has a significant mortgage on it. We’re not young.

I wonder if we’ve reached a point where the exposure is so great that we just can’t stay married, all other issues aside. Or I can ride it out in a state of anxiety until the kids go to college and maybe or maybe not be able to retire sometime. The unilateral spending has been consistent for an entire marriage; it just recently got to a level I can't ignore.

Will the property be a rental? Can it make any income? I feel for you OP. That’s a pretty huge decision and would make me unable to sleep! Does your combined income cover the new mortgage payments?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband spent $250k (refundable) and committed another $750k (that we don't have) for a hobby/investment. Never discussed; its clear that he'll never let it go if I make him get out.

He gave away my old car (I bought a new one) worth abput 15k to his relative without asking me. He's claiming I told him to do it, but I never would. This is a pattern.

Over the last two months, he's made $90k in credit card payments and wires that I have no access to see.

He makes a lot but spends more. I'm going to find a therapist today. I am literally beside myself and can't function.

We’ve operated on a his/hers/ours system that isn't great but prevents daily arguments.

Today he is golfing while I work.

Wow. We’re pretty wealthy and our hm we is $400. You’re saying he plans to spend a million dollars on a hobby? Sounds like a boat or RV but that’s not an investment since they loose value. Whats his plan to pay for it?

It was joining a club that also requires a real estate purchase. His plan to pay for the real estate purchase was to take a second mortgage against our house that already has a significant mortgage on it. We’re not young.

I wonder if we’ve reached a point where the exposure is so great that we just can’t stay married, all other issues aside. Or I can ride it out in a state of anxiety until the kids go to college and maybe or maybe not be able to retire sometime. The unilateral spending has been consistent for an entire marriage; it just recently got to a level I can't ignore.

Will the property be a rental? Can it make any income? I feel for you OP. That’s a pretty huge decision and would make me unable to sleep! Does your combined income cover the new mortgage payments?

No. It's vacant land that we can't afford to build on. Maybe some day. I have no interest in living there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband spent $250k (refundable) and committed another $750k (that we don't have) for a hobby/investment. Never discussed; its clear that he'll never let it go if I make him get out.

He gave away my old car (I bought a new one) worth abput 15k to his relative without asking me. He's claiming I told him to do it, but I never would. This is a pattern.

Over the last two months, he's made $90k in credit card payments and wires that I have no access to see.

He makes a lot but spends more. I'm going to find a therapist today. I am literally beside myself and can't function.

We’ve operated on a his/hers/ours system that isn't great but prevents daily arguments.

Today he is golfing while I work.

Wow. We’re pretty wealthy and our hm we is $400. You’re saying he plans to spend a million dollars on a hobby? Sounds like a boat or RV but that’s not an investment since they loose value. Whats his plan to pay for it?

It was joining a club that also requires a real estate purchase. His plan to pay for the real estate purchase was to take a second mortgage against our house that already has a significant mortgage on it. We’re not young.

I wonder if we’ve reached a point where the exposure is so great that we just can’t stay married, all other issues aside. Or I can ride it out in a state of anxiety until the kids go to college and maybe or maybe not be able to retire sometime. The unilateral spending has been consistent for an entire marriage; it just recently got to a level I can't ignore.

Oh my god. I would be deeply, deeply stressed to be in debt much debt.

My husband spends a tremendous amount of money on our house -- like $150k one year, 80K another year -- but he pays with cash and feels it is an "investment." It bothered me a lot (because many of the decisions are wants and not needs, like top of the line insulation), but now I accept that it's his money. He doesn't save for college at all, so I invested my savings and an inheritance for college funds for our two kids.

If it was mortgaged, I would be freaking out.

OP here. Mine also doesn't save for college at all. I have to contribute from my paychecks directly, or we'd be one of these families who don't qualify for any aid and have nothing saved.

[Anonymous]

Holy lord - I would be livid. How much does he make? How much do you make?

Our HHI is $800K but DH makes $650,000 and I make $150,000. Even with the disparate incomes we never buy large purchases without discussing it with each other. Even a $1,000 purchase is discussed beforehand. I do all our budgeting. DH is definitely a bigger spender than I am but is usually good at reigning it in if I tell him its soo much.

[Anonymous]

The biggest financial decision my wife made without me was buying two houses. I came home and her and our real estate agent were sitting at the table and she’d just signed two offers. I hadn’t even seen the houses.

[Anonymous]

Bought a pack of Bic pens. Had to be talked out of divorce.

[Anonymous]

DW bought a new TV without checking with me. If she had, we would have bought a much bigger one

[Anonymous]

Paid off our car.

OP, what you stated is insane. Therapy is good but I would have a serious talk with your husband. This sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse entered a thirty year mortgage with a friend for a “buy and hold flip” condo.

Oh dear god, without telling you???

Told me after he signed the purchase agreement (this is early 2000s and I was on an international business trip). After six months they sold it when they realized they could not rent it out and it was not appreciating like they anticipated. I handle all the finances so it reared its ugly head again during tax time and I had to figure out how to handle the purchase (short term hold). It was a nightmare.

Did anything like this ever happen again? Do you trust him now?

OP here - he has not done something like this again but it has strained his relationship with his friend as I simply will not engage with the him or his wife them. Primarily because his friend's wife does not do anything with their finances (or never worked a FT job) and he does not ask her for input on financial matters. I work a FT job and contribute 50% (or more depending on the year) so I think I have an equal say on how we spend our money (we have shared bank accounts). It did trigger me setting up a separate bank account that is just his that gets a small amount from each paycheck that he can spend however he wants without me knowing what it is. It is gambling money, poker money etc. Clothing, groceries, golf, gas, meals etc all come out of our shared accounts.

I am more hurt that he would enter such a long term financial relationship with someone and did not consider asking me my opinion. Especially as we were earlier in our marriage and saving for our house and setting ourselves up financially.