What's the biggest financial decision your spouse has made during your marriage without notice or consent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband spent $250k (refundable) and committed another $750k (that we don't have) for a hobby/investment. Never discussed; its clear that he'll never let it go if I make him get out.

He gave away my old car (I bought a new one) worth abput 15k to his relative without asking me. He's claiming I told him to do it, but I never would. This is a pattern.



Over the last two months, he's made $90k in credit card payments and wires that I have no access to see.

He makes a lot but spends more. I'm going to find a therapist today. I am literally beside myself and can't function.

We’ve operated on a his/hers/ours system that isn't great but prevents daily arguments.

Today he is golfing while I work.

Wow. We’re pretty wealthy and our hm we is $400. You’re saying he plans to spend a million dollars on a hobby? Sounds like a boat or RV but that’s not an investment since they loose value. Whats his plan to pay for it?

It was joining a club that also requires a real estate purchase. His plan to pay for the real estate purchase was to take a second mortgage against our house that already has a significant mortgage on it. We’re not young.

I wonder if we’ve reached a point where the exposure is so great that we just can’t stay married, all other issues aside. Or I can ride it out in a state of anxiety until the kids go to college and maybe or maybe not be able to retire sometime. The unilateral spending has been consistent for an entire marriage; it just recently got to a level I can't ignore.

Will the property be a rental? Can it make any income? I feel for you OP. That’s a pretty huge decision and would make me unable to sleep! Does your combined income cover the new mortgage payments?

No. It's vacant land that we can't afford to build on. Maybe some day. I have no interest in living there.

Is this in TX?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like a troll. Per op, her husband makes a lot. Any man who makes a “lot” isn’t this stupid.

No it doesn’t sound like a troll, stop.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. I would leave.

I was in a similar situation to a lesser extent as my husband was not as reckless as yours and I did have access to accounts.

My strategy was to calmly tell my husband that I was unhappy in our marriage due to money issues and stop sleeping with him. I had to have this little talk with him 2-3 times but he quickly understood that things needed to change. It doesn’t sounds like this approach will work with you, but it’s worth a try.

You said he makes significantly more than you right? If he earned less than you then divorce could set you back financially.

Either way, do not sign on this real estate deal if he is pressuring you to do so.

[Anonymous]

I bought a truck we couldn't afford monthly my wife is not happy she feels i am very immature.

[Anonymous]

The list of dumb shit he did is too long. Name it and he has done it. He also didn't work while we were together.
My tax refund was taken to cover his student loans from years ago the moment I put his name on tax form.
I ended up with $45k in credit card debt as he was using my cards. He would scream at me when I refused to give him the cards and squeeze me throat. Courts made him pay a lot of it back thankfully.
I divorced him and became financially free 10 years out as I'm very good with money.
He is still broke, missed every opportunity to make money in DC,because he has half a brain. I had to marry someone for papers or my minimum wage job was going to kill me.
Ex will benefit from this marriage as my son feels sorry for his butt and will support his father at some point with my and his own money.
Being broke is not about minimum wage (I made that for 25 years). It's about being stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The list of dumb shit he did is too long. Name it and he has done it. He also didn't work while we were together.
My tax refund was taken to cover his student loans from years ago the moment I put his name on tax form.
I ended up with $45k in credit card debt as he was using my cards. He would scream at me when I refused to give him the cards and squeeze me throat. Courts made him pay a lot of it back thankfully.
I divorced him and became financially free 10 years out as I'm very good with money.
He is still broke, missed every opportunity to make money in DC,because he has half a brain. I had to marry someone for papers or my minimum wage job was going to kill me.
Ex will benefit from this marriage as my son feels sorry for his butt and will support his father at some point with my and his own money.
Being broke is not about minimum wage (I made that for 25 years). It's about being stupid.

He sounds exhausting like a toddler.

[Anonymous]

I have spent up to 2k on art without asking dh. He really doesn’t spend much aside from always treating people whenever we go out even if we are with friends who have plenty and normally you split it. But he has had a couple fender benders that he was embarrassed about and paid a couple grand to fix.

Our biggest financial fight was over buying the house we are in. I felt it was too expensive given all the work I suspected it would need (had to guess because this was the waive inspection market in 2021); he thought it would be fine. Well, in 4 years we have had to replace all the siding; roof; remediate and waterproof basement; redo kitchen (cabinets from the 80s fell off the wall our first week) ; rip out plumbing in one bathroom; out in multiple French drains due to water pooling and flooding and will be redoing our driveway soon as the water issues causing cracking and other issues. Oh and I thought having a pool would be an expensive liability that we would t use much and I was right. We are probably going to sell in next 2-3 years anyway, or sooner if he loses his job (fed).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse entered a thirty year mortgage with a friend for a “buy and hold flip” condo.

Oh dear god, without telling you???

Told me after he signed the purchase agreement (this is early 2000s and I was on an international business trip). After six months they sold it when they realized they could not rent it out and it was not appreciating like they anticipated. I handle all the finances so it reared its ugly head again during tax time and I had to figure out how to handle the purchase (short term hold). It was a nightmare.

Did anything like this ever happen again? Do you trust him now?

OP here - he has not done something like this again but it has strained his relationship with his friend as I simply will not engage with the him or his wife them. Primarily because his friend's wife does not do anything with their finances (or never worked a FT job) and he does not ask her for input on financial matters. I work a FT job and contribute 50% (or more depending on the year) so I think I have an equal say on how we spend our money (we have shared bank accounts). It did trigger me setting up a separate bank account that is just his that gets a small amount from each paycheck that he can spend however he wants without me knowing what it is. It is gambling money, poker money etc. Clothing, groceries, golf, gas, meals etc all come out of our shared accounts.

I am more hurt that he would enter such a long term financial relationship with someone and did not consider asking me my opinion. Especially as we were earlier in our marriage and saving for our house and setting ourselves up financially.

Your husband might be polar and going through manic episodes.

[Anonymous]

Upgraded our family to Polaris for a European vacation. I never would have said no. I still don’t know what it cost. It was absolutely the right call and made the trip so much better (we were all functional when we landed because we all slept).
We’ve both made other purchases where we’ve agreed on the concept but not the price, even where the price might fluctuate significantly (e.g., a car purchase; major work on the house). We usually think about the trade offs in those situations in a similar way, so we both assume the other did the best they could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The list of dumb shit he did is too long. Name it and he has done it. He also didn't work while we were together.
My tax refund was taken to cover his student loans from years ago the moment I put his name on tax form.
I ended up with $45k in credit card debt as he was using my cards. He would scream at me when I refused to give him the cards and squeeze me throat. Courts made him pay a lot of it back thankfully.
I divorced him and became financially free 10 years out as I'm very good with money.
He is still broke, missed every opportunity to make money in DC,because he has half a brain. I had to marry someone for papers or my minimum wage job was going to kill me.
Ex will benefit from this marriage as my son feels sorry for his butt and will support his father at some point with my and his own money.
Being broke is not about minimum wage (I made that for 25 years). It's about being stupid.

He sounds exhausting like a toddler.

And yet the PP married this stupid, irresponsible, violent man. Who is the stupid one, really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Bet on last years Superbowl .. and won .. BIG

Didn't tell me until a few days later when he showed me ..

I almost collapsed.

Don't you worry he's hiding other gambling from you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t think for my husband - he loves books and is a scientist and some of the books he gets are $300-$400 text books. He doesn’t do that often. I asked him recently about the threshold where he’d be annoyed if I just spent it - I think we decided out tolerance is about $700-1,000, but neither of spends much in that way. I needed a new wardrobe, went shopping for the first time in years, and dropped $1,200. When I told him he basically said, “yeah, clothes can be expensive, but you haven’t gotten new clothes in ages.” My friend and I got season tickets to the theater. My husband gave me permission and I mentioned it was expensive, but he said “that’s fine.” But when I mentioned the cost the other day he seemed surprised (a year after I paid for them.) He earns about $200k and I earn about $120k and also have money from stocks I inherited that - if I didn’t reinvest - would add another few hundred to our income each month.

You asked his permission ??
What’s wrong with you?

Who does this?

Please move to a red state with the other women who let me control them

Nothing wrong with asking permission. It makes for a happy marriage

[Anonymous]

He bought his dad a car. FIL’s car was totaled (not his fault). FIL needed a new car right away. DH told me one morning, “I’m going to look at cars with Dad”. DH came home that evening, and said “I bought a car”. FIL gave us the insurance check when he got it later, but yes, DH bought a whole car without discussing it with me first.

[Anonymous]

Invested a huge amount of money in a friend's startup venture and it was a huge waste. Wish he had bought a home.

Still not a home owner and not sure we will ever be able to afford one as we have to live in a stupidly expensive city for his job.

[Anonymous]

I woke up one morning and went and spent 60K on a car. She found out when I called her to verify some insurance information. She wasn't mad.