Having a really hard time with sorting out my priorities when it comes to RTO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I, like many (I relate to many of the responders and you too!), see your combined income and think, 'quitting is a no brainer' but the question is really about your current expenses. Are you overleveraged on a house?

Like another pp, I'd probably live under a bridge before asking my parents for money (I am also likely going to inherit a lot but refuse to acknowledge needing them at all because...<childhood issues> haha). So the question can't just be asked straight out. Because your lifestyle is what informs the decision I think.

My DH and I have a combined income of about 330 (170+160) and while 330 is amazing, we have built our lives around the assumption that we are both working so while 160 is not nothing, if I quit we would be living VERY differently. Able to make our monthly payments, able buy food conservatively but not much else. Are you in that situation? That would color my opinion.

I have been compelled back into the office too, five days a week, with a 25 minute commute. I have been tempted to quit many times but feel in the end it would mean we would probably have to move, and I don't want to do that to my kids. And with interest rates so much higher, that would be hard anyway. I would be singing a song of happy gratitude with two days still at home, and am arguing my own case to get back a day or two. I also feel like I have just kind of vanished from my own life because of this issue, my kids are so upset about it.

This post is all over the place. I think the TLDR is:

If my DH was making as much as yours I would have quit four months ago. Like another pp said, once you're past 300ish, it becomes less about how much of a hit you will take and more like 'you need to think a bit about whether you're ordering takeout or buying too much from the Nordstrom sale'. And it is just a truth that that is a lot less taxing than someone who might need to be grocery shopping with coupons.

I am a PP here who has a similar (HHI and split) income to OP and maybe we are bad at managing our money but we would very much notice it if we did not have my income. The amount we pay out of pocket for therapy for our SN kid and child with a medical condition is unbelievable, and that’s with relatively good insurance. We are also very much aware one child may be best served by private school because of their condition in the future and keeping that option open has been important to me.

Also, it’s super lonely being a SN parent. It’s been really helpful to me to have a separate identity at work. Judge all you want but during the years no one at school wanted to talk to me I think I would have gone insane with out being able to go feel normal 20+ hours a week. That’s why I really think I would push for PT here rather than quitting if at all possible.

Just for the record nothing in my post said anything about special needs. I totally believe that is a difficult situation. I'm only saying that because you said 'judge all you want' but nothing in my post was judging anything about OP wanting to keep working. I would also go insane if I did not work at all.

Regarding the income, I mean of course you would. You have adjusted your lifestyle to the level of income you have. But I can assure you that once you are over 300, you can, with relative ease, afford housing/food/clothing/gas/cars/utilities/modest vacations/savings. I am not saying it wouldn't be a change. It would be! I am just saying that there is a difference between reducing your income to a level where it is very possible to live very comfortably, and reducing your income to a level where you are suddenly budgeting your monthly groceries to make ends meet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I, like many (I relate to many of the responders and you too!), see your combined income and think, 'quitting is a no brainer' but the question is really about your current expenses. Are you overleveraged on a house?

Like another pp, I'd probably live under a bridge before asking my parents for money (I am also likely going to inherit a lot but refuse to acknowledge needing them at all because...<childhood issues> haha). So the question can't just be asked straight out. Because your lifestyle is what informs the decision I think.

My DH and I have a combined income of about 330 (170+160) and while 330 is amazing, we have built our lives around the assumption that we are both working so while 160 is not nothing, if I quit we would be living VERY differently. Able to make our monthly payments, able buy food conservatively but not much else. Are you in that situation? That would color my opinion.

I have been compelled back into the office too, five days a week, with a 25 minute commute. I have been tempted to quit many times but feel in the end it would mean we would probably have to move, and I don't want to do that to my kids. And with interest rates so much higher, that would be hard anyway. I would be singing a song of happy gratitude with two days still at home, and am arguing my own case to get back a day or two. I also feel like I have just kind of vanished from my own life because of this issue, my kids are so upset about it.

This post is all over the place. I think the TLDR is:

If my DH was making as much as yours I would have quit four months ago. Like another pp said, once you're past 300ish, it becomes less about how much of a hit you will take and more like 'you need to think a bit about whether you're ordering takeout or buying too much from the Nordstrom sale'. And it is just a truth that that is a lot less taxing than someone who might need to be grocery shopping with coupons.

I am a PP here who has a similar (HHI and split) income to OP and maybe we are bad at managing our money but we would very much notice it if we did not have my income. The amount we pay out of pocket for therapy for our SN kid and child with a medical condition is unbelievable, and that’s with relatively good insurance. We are also very much aware one child may be best served by private school because of their condition in the future and keeping that option open has been important to me.

Also, it’s super lonely being a SN parent. It’s been really helpful to me to have a separate identity at work. Judge all you want but during the years no one at school wanted to talk to me I think I would have gone insane with out being able to go feel normal 20+ hours a week. That’s why I really think I would push for PT here rather than quitting if at all possible.

Just for the record nothing in my post said anything about special needs. I totally believe that is a difficult situation. I'm only saying that because you said 'judge all you want' but nothing in my post was judging anything about OP wanting to keep working. I would also go insane if I did not work at all.

Regarding the income, I mean of course you would. You have adjusted your lifestyle to the level of income you have. But I can assure you that once you are over 300, you can, with relative ease, afford housing/food/clothing/gas/cars/utilities/modest vacations/savings. I am not saying it wouldn't be a change. It would be! I am just saying that there is a difference between reducing your income to a level where it is very possible to live very comfortably, and reducing your income to a level where you are suddenly budgeting your monthly groceries to make ends meet.

OP has a kid with SN! That’s why I was trying to point out if you don’t know this world you really should not be commenting on what the needs of OPs family are. Would I ever say we couldn’t live on my husband’s salary? Absolutely not. Does my salary feel different when not having it would mean my kid may not be able to go to the $$$ we think they may need? Absolutely. Yes we are saving like crazy but also trying to not short change our other child.

I do find many of the comments on this thread overly simplistic and mildly judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked in a corporate firm for many years. Back when I had my first seven years ago (pre covid) I was able to negotiate WFH four days a week and office once a week. Eventually during covid, I ended up going completely remote, but like most companies, mine has walked back on its WFH policies and is now requiring 3 days a week for everyone in the office. My commute is 90 minutes each way, best case scenario.

I am having a really hard time with deciding what to do - leaving my job, going in 3 days a week, or looking for a similar job closer to home.

I have three young kids under 7, and one has some special needs and needs a lot of scaffolding (severe adhd). I have always had full time childcare during working hours and am a top performer, so I’m not taking advantage, but WFH enabled me to do preschool drop off before starting work, and pickup during my lunch hour, see my kids during some small breaks, and have some flexibility for an elementary school pickup when needed. I’d be going from that to being gone 12+ hours a day, 3 days a week.

I have friends who love working and would lose their minds at home. I don’t dislike working, but I enjoy being with my kids and working from home was a compromise for me to be around while still contributing financially.

DH makes about 375k a year - so pretty good money, but not biglaw or anything where it’s a super obvious decision. I make about 175 + plus decent benefits. Combined we have a nice but not extravagant lifestyle. We have strong savings, have been maxing out 401k since I started working after college. We both come from well off families and while we don’t currently receive financial help (apart from therapies for our adhd child), one set of grandparents have set aside funds for grandchildren’scollege and the others are happy to help if I want to take some time away from working to prioritize the kids, which I know is very fortunate. medium and long term (we hope not for a long time) we stand to inherit a lot from various sources. Despite all of this, I’m having trouble accepting the help (and also counting on long term
Inheritance, which feels both crude and abstract) and losing the working element of my identity, but also having a hard time making a choice between my kids and my earning potential. I think my kids need me around and I enjoy being with them.

Anyone been in similar shoes with lessening flexibility at work? What did you decide to do?

Make your acceptance of any internal transfer offer conditional on one day RTO max since that’s your red line. Look externally for jobs that meet your RTO criteria to see if you can get something better and gauge what the market looks like. Figure out if you want to maintain your lifestyle if you leave and how long your severance will last. Speak to your family in specifics about how much you will need and provide potential time frames for how long you could want help (1,2, 5, 10 years?) so you can understand their boundaries and, very likely if you have siblings, how it will impact your inheritance (ie will they deduct contributions from your trust or your portion of their estate). And potentially speak to a financial planner about different scenarios.

In the situation you described I would avoid going in three days too. I have three under 7 too, including an ES child with ADHD. Luckily, my child requires no supports at present and has a high EQ and IQ. But I get trying to anticipate what is to come and not wanting to be stretched too thin and wanting to be very involved even though you work. Our HHI is 70% higher but we have a nanny and are sending our kids to private and I make 50% of our HHI, so that is a big part of the calculus for me around staying employed. The financial advice is based on real life. We have siblings that get more support from family right now, but it comes out of their trusts. If your families have large estates they will probably be mindful of this because of all the gift tax stuff and working with an FA. The only other piece I would encourage you to think about before taking time off is the real possibility that it will be hard to come back. There are so many changes with AI and the economy and job market could be worse in 6 months, 2 years, 5 years. You simply can’t predict. And women experience ageism earlier than men. You might not be able to find a job like the one you’re leaving. Not trying to scare you, but imploring you to really brace yourself for that.

[Anonymous]

No way would I spend 3 hrs commuting a day. I would ask for an exception to the policy and if they can't make it happen I would quit.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation and decided to give my notice. My boss countered with an offer for me to do 20 hrs a week. I took it. It's been 2.5 years and I haven't regretted it one bit.

I'm more present with the kids, less stressed and still connected to work

[Anonymous]

Could you move closer to work? I would not commute 90 min per way.

[Anonymous]

Start your own business.

[Anonymous]

I stopped working when I had 3 kids this age. DH earned more, but we don’t have family money.

Where do you live and where is your work and dh’s work?

I would try to work part time and go in one day per week. Or try to get laid off and get severance so you can get a new job. I would look slowly and spend time with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stopped working when I had 3 kids this age. DH earned more, but we don’t have family money.

Where do you live and where is your work and dh’s work?

I would try to work part time and go in one day per week. Or try to get laid off and get severance so you can get a new job. I would look slowly and spend time with the kids.

Op here. Going in one day a week won’t be an option - wasn’t approved. It’s simply three days or bust now. My husbands office is an about an hour commute door to door and he goes in about once a week and works from home the rest of the week. So I either keep doing this job virtually and wait for an exit package in early 2026, or look externally now or then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped working when I had 3 kids this age. DH earned more, but we don’t have family money.

Where do you live and where is your work and dh’s work?

I would try to work part time and go in one day per week. Or try to get laid off and get severance so you can get a new job. I would look slowly and spend time with the kids.

Op here. Going in one day a week won’t be an option - wasn’t approved. It’s simply three days or bust now. My husbands office is an about an hour commute door to door and he goes in about once a week and works from home the rest of the week. So I either keep doing this job virtually and wait for an exit package in early 2026, or look externally now or then.

If your husband is also fully WFH that should give you a lot more brandwidth. I’m a PP and assumed that you were in a similar position to me (spouse full RTO with long commute) since you didn’t mention your husband once. Is he able to pick up any slack if you are 3 days RTO?

Given his flexibility, the fact that your work is uncompromising about RTO, and that you’ve been given lots of anecdotal info and advice already…this is kind of where you need to sit down together and figure out finances and child rearing priorities.

If you realize from that convo that you need to work then I don’t know why you wouldn’t start looking externally. Doing so will give you a sense of how competitive the market is right now. A lot of employees in DC have been negatively impacted by DOGE and a lot of RIF’d feds are looking for work and even more feds will be looking for work soon because the SC ok’d additional RIFs. There is no reason to think the job market will get better in early 2026.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped working when I had 3 kids this age. DH earned more, but we don’t have family money.

Where do you live and where is your work and dh’s work?

I would try to work part time and go in one day per week. Or try to get laid off and get severance so you can get a new job. I would look slowly and spend time with the kids.

Op here. Going in one day a week won’t be an option - wasn’t approved. It’s simply three days or bust now. My husbands office is an about an hour commute door to door and he goes in about once a week and works from home the rest of the week. So I either keep doing this job virtually and wait for an exit package in early 2026, or look externally now or then.

If your husband is also fully WFH that should give you a lot more brandwidth. I’m a PP and assumed that you were in a similar position to me (spouse full RTO with long commute) since you didn’t mention your husband once. Is he able to pick up any slack if you are 3 days RTO?

Given his flexibility, the fact that your work is uncompromising about RTO, and that you’ve been given lots of anecdotal info and advice already…this is kind of where you need to sit down together and figure out finances and child rearing priorities.

If you realize from that convo that you need to work then I don’t know why you wouldn’t start looking externally. Doing so will give you a sense of how competitive the market is right now. A lot of employees in DC have been negatively impacted by DOGE and a lot of RIF’d feds are looking for work and even more feds will be looking for work soon because the SC ok’d additional RIFs. There is no reason to think the job market will get better in early 2026.

My husband doesn’t have much flexibility at all (or is unwilling to be flexible) nor does he have any interest in being the default parent. He can do a doctors appointment here and there if a kid is sick and I have a meeting. He works from home but he starts very early and the only benefit is that he is generally done working by 5:15. He is particularly unhelpful with our adhd kid and all of his education falls onto me. He does do fun stuff with the kids after work like playing outside with them and sometimes orders takeout for us. But I’m generally left with all the organization, mental load, meal planning and executing, etc.

Beyond my son’s special needs, I also don’t want to be away from my kids three days a week for 12 hours a day. I just don’t know if that’s an unreasonable stance. Is it just life that most couples are dual working and don’t see their kids during the week? Like when did this become the norm? It’s hard for me to accept that I had more flexibility seven years ago when my first was born than I do now and that the pendulum has swung so far back.

Yes lots of anecdotal info here. Do need to sit down and really discuss with my husband. I really don’t want to do this commute and am having trouble coming to terms with the uncertainty around what comes next. Home with my kids and less money (and more reliance upon my husbands job, which makes me uncomfortable) or more time away from them in an office, potentially pretty far away which feels pretty shitty to me as a parent who really wants to be around.

[Anonymous]

oh yeah, your DH needs to start parenting.

[Anonymous]

Negotiate more days WFH or decrease in hours. If none than look more a more flexible or part time job. If kids need you, you want to be there for them and DH earns enough to afford family a decent lifestyle on one or 1.5 income, make it a priority in your negotiations either the employers.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been at home since our oldest was born and DH made 150k. He now makes 4x that. With OP’s extended family financial help I would definitely take a few years off and then reassess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped working when I had 3 kids this age. DH earned more, but we don’t have family money.

Where do you live and where is your work and dh’s work?

I would try to work part time and go in one day per week. Or try to get laid off and get severance so you can get a new job. I would look slowly and spend time with the kids.

Op here. Going in one day a week won’t be an option - wasn’t approved. It’s simply three days or bust now. My husbands office is an about an hour commute door to door and he goes in about once a week and works from home the rest of the week. So I either keep doing this job virtually and wait for an exit package in early 2026, or look externally now or then.

If your husband is also fully WFH that should give you a lot more brandwidth. I’m a PP and assumed that you were in a similar position to me (spouse full RTO with long commute) since you didn’t mention your husband once. Is he able to pick up any slack if you are 3 days RTO?

Given his flexibility, the fact that your work is uncompromising about RTO, and that you’ve been given lots of anecdotal info and advice already…this is kind of where you need to sit down together and figure out finances and child rearing priorities.

If you realize from that convo that you need to work then I don’t know why you wouldn’t start looking externally. Doing so will give you a sense of how competitive the market is right now. A lot of employees in DC have been negatively impacted by DOGE and a lot of RIF’d feds are looking for work and even more feds will be looking for work soon because the SC ok’d additional RIFs. There is no reason to think the job market will get better in early 2026.

My husband doesn’t have much flexibility at all (or is unwilling to be flexible) nor does he have any interest in being the default parent. He can do a doctors appointment here and there if a kid is sick and I have a meeting. He works from home but he starts very early and the only benefit is that he is generally done working by 5:15. He is particularly unhelpful with our adhd kid and all of his education falls onto me. He does do fun stuff with the kids after work like playing outside with them and sometimes orders takeout for us. But I’m generally left with all the organization, mental load, meal planning and executing, etc.

Beyond my son’s special needs, I also don’t want to be away from my kids three days a week for 12 hours a day. I just don’t know if that’s an unreasonable stance. Is it just life that most couples are dual working and don’t see their kids during the week? Like when did this become the norm? It’s hard for me to accept that I had more flexibility seven years ago when my first was born than I do now and that the pendulum has swung so far back.

Yes lots of anecdotal info here. Do need to sit down and really discuss with my husband. I really don’t want to do this commute and am having trouble coming to terms with the uncertainty around what comes next. Home with my kids and less money (and more reliance upon my husbands job, which makes me uncomfortable) or more time away from them in an office, potentially pretty far away which feels pretty shitty to me as a parent who really wants to be around.

I don’t think most people want to be away from their kids for 12 hours 3 days per week, but I also don’t think that’s horrible. For most or many dual working families this situation is the day to day reality, and most times another parent isn’t at home to backstop.

Between a long commute and RTO my husband is away from our kids for 11-12 hours Monday- Friday. He went back full time in 2022 and my oldest just turned 6. My 4 and 2 year olds cannot remember a time when he was at home.

If your husband can’t step up and you need the income then maybe you should both be looking for new jobs. The job market is really tough though. If you’re not sure about leaving the workforce for good you should really try to keep a foot in the door instead of outright quitting.