Having a really hard time with sorting out my priorities when it comes to RTO

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07/12/2025 22:57

Subject: Having a really hard time with sorting out my priorities when it comes to RTO

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped working when I had 3 kids this age. DH earned more, but we don’t have family money.

Where do you live and where is your work and dh’s work?

I would try to work part time and go in one day per week. Or try to get laid off and get severance so you can get a new job. I would look slowly and spend time with the kids.

Op here. Going in one day a week won’t be an option - wasn’t approved. It’s simply three days or bust now. My husbands office is an about an hour commute door to door and he goes in about once a week and works from home the rest of the week. So I either keep doing this job virtually and wait for an exit package in early 2026, or look externally now or then.

If your husband is also fully WFH that should give you a lot more brandwidth. I’m a PP and assumed that you were in a similar position to me (spouse full RTO with long commute) since you didn’t mention your husband once. Is he able to pick up any slack if you are 3 days RTO?

Given his flexibility, the fact that your work is uncompromising about RTO, and that you’ve been given lots of anecdotal info and advice already…this is kind of where you need to sit down together and figure out finances and child rearing priorities.

If you realize from that convo that you need to work then I don’t know why you wouldn’t start looking externally. Doing so will give you a sense of how competitive the market is right now. A lot of employees in DC have been negatively impacted by DOGE and a lot of RIF’d feds are looking for work and even more feds will be looking for work soon because the SC ok’d additional RIFs. There is no reason to think the job market will get better in early 2026.

My husband doesn’t have much flexibility at all (or is unwilling to be flexible) nor does he have any interest in being the default parent. He can do a doctors appointment here and there if a kid is sick and I have a meeting. He works from home but he starts very early and the only benefit is that he is generally done working by 5:15. He is particularly unhelpful with our adhd kid and all of his education falls onto me. He does do fun stuff with the kids after work like playing outside with them and sometimes orders takeout for us. But I’m generally left with all the organization, mental load, meal planning and executing, etc.

Beyond my son’s special needs, I also don’t want to be away from my kids three days a week for 12 hours a day. I just don’t know if that’s an unreasonable stance. Is it just life that most couples are dual working and don’t see their kids during the week? Like when did this become the norm? It’s hard for me to accept that I had more flexibility seven years ago when my first was born than I do now and that the pendulum has swung so far back.

Yes lots of anecdotal info here. Do need to sit down and really discuss with my husband. I really don’t want to do this commute and am having trouble coming to terms with the uncertainty around what comes next. Home with my kids and less money (and more reliance upon my husbands job, which makes me uncomfortable) or more time away from them in an office, potentially pretty far away which feels pretty shitty to me as a parent who really wants to be around.

I think the only way women stay in the workforce ages 30-50 is with flexibility. Some offices offer it, others don’t. Find one that does. And I would never do 90 minute commute, move closer to where you’re looking for a job. I do an hour twice a week, 90 mins 3 times a week is insane, especially with young kids. Trust your gut.