Having a really hard time with sorting out my priorities when it comes to RTO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you drop to part-time, or flex your schedule to be four days a week (so 2 in 2 at home and 1 off ). I’m also only allowed 2 days per week TW, and going in 3 days was too much for me.

I asked my boss about dropping to 0.8 FTE, which wasn’t doable, but having that “I would seriously leave over this” convo prompted a lot more flexibility. For my office days, I now do super early time/leave by lunch to reduce traffic and ensure I’m home for the kids’ afternoon activities. It means my husband is solely responsible for getting kids to school those days, but it works. I also can bank extra hours worked at home to work fewer hours in office.

Some friends have done fmla, which may be doable as one of your kids has special needs.

Good luck.

How does FMLA apply with a special needs kid?

[Anonymous]

Your commute is 90 minutes each way in the best of circumstances. Three hours a day. I'm shocked you found that manageable even one day a week. It's simply not sustainable to do that 3 days a week, especially not with young kids, doubly so for one of them having significant special needs. That commute will destroy you. Bare minimum, that's 9 hours lost to commuting every single week. You're looking at being out of the house 12 hours a day three days a week, missing out on home life completely those days.

The choice here is so obvious: either work honors the original, pre-covid agreement of 4 day WFH and 1 day in office, or you quit.

I know the job market is challenging right now (my DH lost is job due to "restructuring" on Jan. 15 and is still out of work), but with your DH's high income you will be fine. And someone who is a high performer with good references should be able to land a fully remote job or a job closer to home within a year. Even if work agrees to the old 4 WFH days, I'd still be looking for a job closer to home. That's still one day a week where you're gone 12 hours a day. They could rescind WFH entirely at any time. Prioritize your well-being, prioritize your family.

[Anonymous]

Do you have to work the same amount of hours each day? I also have 3 kids including one with ADHD and just had to RTO after years of being remote (only 2 days and commute is 45-60 min each way so not quite as bad as what you’re dealing with). I’ve been working like 9-10 days at home (getting up and starting a bit earlier) and then working 6-7 hour days in office to offset the commute and even taking leave every so often when I don’t want to go in. I’m getting in the requisite “badge swipes” to make my employer happy and my boss does not GAF. He works from home as much as he can too.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you want to quit. Do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like you want to quit. Do so.

Yeah, I have to say this does sound like a no brainer because you haven't indicated that you particularly like your job or particularly want to keep working. What you describe with the commute sounds utterly horrible and the $$ piece is more than fine. It would come down to me for whether I WANTED to keep working and it doesn't really sound like you do, sooooo...

[Anonymous]

Even if you stayed at one day in the office, I would still be trying to flex my hours on that day so that I wouldn’t be sitting in traffic. A 3 hour commute would have been an immediate no go for me.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your team dissolving and the new WFH policies make it a good time to leave. Rather than quit altogether, I would try to find something closer, part time, and/or WFH. I have always been a SAHM, with a few small part time gigs here and there. I have thought about going back full time, but I have been out of the workforce for 14 years now and it’s super intimidating to think about going back. I wish I had kept one foot in the door from the start. Totally keep pushing for a return to your old WFH schedule, both in the old role and new, but if they won’t budge, it is definitely not worth 3 12 hour days. No way.

I have a kid with severe ADHD and as he has gotten older, it’s actually been harder rather than easier in a sense. He doesn’t go to any of the expensive therapies like when he was little and we were dealing with elopement and such insane hyperactivity he was a danger to himself and others. Now he needs lots of executive functioning help and trying to set him up for success in HS/college and adulthood. A nanny is great for keeping kids safe and happy, but she is probably not going to be able to do a lot of the afternoon/evening stuff.

All of this to say, I wouldn’t stop working now with the plan of going back in a few years. Keep at it and save more money and then when you have 3 older kids in 3 activities on the same day, you can step back then to deal with driving/homework/dinner prep etc. I swear I am somehow busier now with three kids in school than I was when I had babies and toddlers who went to bed at 7pm!

[Anonymous]

Girl just quit. I know it seems scary but it’s not. You have been successful so when you want to jump back in you likely can, especially if you network.

[Anonymous]

You are financially fine to quit. Knowing that, tell your work you are leaving unless they can come up with a 1 day in office arrangement. Maybe that means you work only 3 days a week. See what they offer and walk away if it doesn't work out.

[Anonymous]

While I absolutely think you could just stop working if you want to and I totally support the choice to be a SAHM, if you prefer working overall you seem to be looking past the idea of getting another job. You could quit and start looking immediately and I think explaining to a new employer that you had an untenable commute with a job that went from wfh to in office is totally reasonable.

I know the market is tough but don’t just assume you won’t find something. Start calling contacts, etc…

There must be jobs closer to home, fully remote etc…

Enjoy the summer with your kids in the meantime but keep childcare in place if you need time to network or interview.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

How does FMLA apply with a special needs kid?

If a kid needs frequent medical appts or therapies, you can get intermittent fmla and use that time to take the kid to appts.

[Anonymous]

what is DH's commute like and how often does he have to be in the office vs work from home? Is there a place you could move that would make your commute better without making his worse?

If not, and if you can't negotiate more WFH or a part-time schedule, I would quit. After taxes and nanny, there isn't that much left over, and if your kids go to school you could probably find something to do with more flexible hours to make up some of the money you're losing and have something on your resume.

[Anonymous]

Op I’m a (now former) fed and your post resonates a lot. One of my kids has ADHD and needs more support, previously had a flexible schedule that made working worth it and a great balance of being present while still being able to work. Cue recent events and I’m working longer hours, commuting 1+ hr both ways on the beltway gone from the house 11 hrs a day minimum. I know many people do this regularly, many with less privilege do far far more difficult things but my quality of life went down so drastically for our entire family. I left a few months ago and I have zero regrets so far. I won’t be leaving the workforce fully but for now I’m home with the kids and it’s amazing - the space it’s given our family only having one parent managing multiple things. We are both very lucky to be able to make this call and I can tell you recognize that. If you can, I don’t think the time away from the kids is worth it. My kids felt my stress. That being said it was 5 days a week for me which really did feel different than 3 days a week (I was already doing 2-3 but much less stressful times and more flexible). Good luck! It’s been worth every second for me and I’m so glad I made the call as tough as it was at the time.

[Anonymous]

So I, like many (I relate to many of the responders and you too!), see your combined income and think, 'quitting is a no brainer' but the question is really about your current expenses. Are you overleveraged on a house?

Like another pp, I'd probably live under a bridge before asking my parents for money (I am also likely going to inherit a lot but refuse to acknowledge needing them at all because...<childhood issues> haha). So the question can't just be asked straight out. Because your lifestyle is what informs the decision I think.

My DH and I have a combined income of about 330 (170+160) and while 330 is amazing, we have built our lives around the assumption that we are both working so while 160 is not nothing, if I quit we would be living VERY differently. Able to make our monthly payments, able buy food conservatively but not much else. Are you in that situation? That would color my opinion.

I have been compelled back into the office too, five days a week, with a 25 minute commute. I have been tempted to quit many times but feel in the end it would mean we would probably have to move, and I don't want to do that to my kids. And with interest rates so much higher, that would be hard anyway. I would be singing a song of happy gratitude with two days still at home, and am arguing my own case to get back a day or two. I also feel like I have just kind of vanished from my own life because of this issue, my kids are so upset about it.

This post is all over the place. I think the TLDR is:

If my DH was making as much as yours I would have quit four months ago. Like another pp said, once you're past 300ish, it becomes less about how much of a hit you will take and more like 'you need to think a bit about whether you're ordering takeout or buying too much from the Nordstrom sale'. And it is just a truth that that is a lot less taxing than someone who might need to be grocery shopping with coupons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I, like many (I relate to many of the responders and you too!), see your combined income and think, 'quitting is a no brainer' but the question is really about your current expenses. Are you overleveraged on a house?

Like another pp, I'd probably live under a bridge before asking my parents for money (I am also likely going to inherit a lot but refuse to acknowledge needing them at all because...<childhood issues> haha). So the question can't just be asked straight out. Because your lifestyle is what informs the decision I think.

My DH and I have a combined income of about 330 (170+160) and while 330 is amazing, we have built our lives around the assumption that we are both working so while 160 is not nothing, if I quit we would be living VERY differently. Able to make our monthly payments, able buy food conservatively but not much else. Are you in that situation? That would color my opinion.

I have been compelled back into the office too, five days a week, with a 25 minute commute. I have been tempted to quit many times but feel in the end it would mean we would probably have to move, and I don't want to do that to my kids. And with interest rates so much higher, that would be hard anyway. I would be singing a song of happy gratitude with two days still at home, and am arguing my own case to get back a day or two. I also feel like I have just kind of vanished from my own life because of this issue, my kids are so upset about it.

This post is all over the place. I think the TLDR is:

If my DH was making as much as yours I would have quit four months ago. Like another pp said, once you're past 300ish, it becomes less about how much of a hit you will take and more like 'you need to think a bit about whether you're ordering takeout or buying too much from the Nordstrom sale'. And it is just a truth that that is a lot less taxing than someone who might need to be grocery shopping with coupons.

I am a PP here who has a similar (HHI and split) income to OP and maybe we are bad at managing our money but we would very much notice it if we did not have my income. The amount we pay out of pocket for therapy for our SN kid and child with a medical condition is unbelievable, and that’s with relatively good insurance. We are also very much aware one child may be best served by private school because of their condition in the future and keeping that option open has been important to me.

Also, it’s super lonely being a SN parent. It’s been really helpful to me to have a separate identity at work. Judge all you want but during the years no one at school wanted to talk to me I think I would have gone insane with out being able to go feel normal 20+ hours a week. That’s why I really think I would push for PT here rather than quitting if at all possible.