Is it OK for a widowed parent to travel without the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:London to DC isn't a terribly long flight. Also does this friend have kids? She asked you and the girls along so she's probably not thinking of an adult only trip maybe do that a different time.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some really damaged people that post on this board, I swear. I knew people here love to come for the divorced moms but apparently the widows aren’t safe either!

No is "coming for" anyone. People just have ideas about what is and isn't good parenting. OP asked for those opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

I’m not sure why you think being widowed changes your ability to travel “from a moral perspective “. What’s the “moral” issue here?

Recent widow, abandoning her kids for a few days, going away to England for "adults-only" vacation. Not understanding that the girls have also lost their dad and now mom is skipping away. Sensitivity chip is missing.

No one would have a problem if she took her kids to a beach vacation, or Disney. But, maybe the kids are used to her not being around.

How have you turned staying with a grandparent that the kids are close to into “abandonment “? Maybe one or both of them would experience it that way. Maybe one or both of them would be relieved to have some time with their grandmother — and space to grieve in a different way, or be centered in a different way than their bereaved family now allows.

If we’re going to project, I’ll throw in the mix how excruciatingly difficult it was for me as a teen to have the emotional burdens of my own mother’s grief. If she had been able to share her grief with other adults, and, yes, enjoy some adults-only time, that would have given me permission and examples that would have helped me to heal in age appropriate ways as well. I don’t know the situation of anyone in this family, but I would not assume that the kids are in any way being abandoned.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go. I have several widowed friends and they do stuff like this regularly and I admire them for it. I was thinking your guilt was around what if something happened while traveling - but honestly it could happen on the beltway on your way to work too.

[Anonymous]

It's fine.

[Anonymous]

I would bring them. They probably want to get a break from your house, town, and all the things they associate with their father, just as much as you do.

[Anonymous]

My mom was widowed when I was a teenager, I wish she had done something like this. Home was very intense and after a year it’s okay to give yourself space to reflect and relax. Plus my mom had a lot of emotions bottled up, having a place to really let it out without the kids hearing is a positive.

Maybe also extend a similar offer to do so,etching special just for them after your tough year. I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

It is ok for you to go. Please go if you think it would be fun for you.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s fine.

But I also think if they are tweens - that means they are not yet in high school - I also don’t think it matters if they missed a week of school either.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m so sorry for your loss. In my family, only one of us travels out of the country at once. We just feel more comfortable that way, especially more recently. Given that, if there were not a second parent in my family, the other would not travel overseas. I’m sure others will think that’s paranoid but just wanted to share my thoughts.

I absolutely think you should get away on your own for a few days. Only you can decide if London is the only way to do that. Price could be similar for NYC, since travel will be cheaper, for example.

[Anonymous]

I think you should consider taking them, as missing a few days of elementary/middle school isn't a big deal and London is a great place for kids.

However, that being said I also think it's okay to set an example for.your kids that it's okay to keep living and experiencing things after losing a parent. I've been through loss of an immediate family member as a kid and there's an extent to which, when you do finally have a day when you aren't sad, you feel guilty about forgetting for a bit. It's hard to get out of that pattern of sadness, particularly around family who you think will be upset at you for moving on. That isn't to say you won't always be a little sad,.but you can't live in that encompassing grief forever.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes dcum goes off the rails. This thread is one of them. Your kids will be with their grandma, they’ll be fine. It’s a few days. Please go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I’m so sorry for your loss. In my family, only one of us travels out of the country at once. We just feel more comfortable that way, especially more recently. Given that, if there were not a second parent in my family, the other would not travel overseas. I’m sure others will think that’s paranoid but just wanted to share my thoughts.

I absolutely think you should get away on your own for a few days. Only you can decide if London is the only way to do that. Price could be similar for NYC, since travel will be cheaper, for example.

In your family there are two parents. I don’t think you can presume to know what your family rules/norms would be if you or your husband died. Sounds like right now you are ok taking trips overseas without your kids. You might adjust to continuing to do that if you were a widow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, I didn’t expect such polarized responses.

To answer some questions: my husband died suddenly a little less than a year ago. My girls were 9 and 11 at the time; they’re now 10 and 12. I’m absolutely not “prowling” or trying to date anyone.

For the past 11 months, I’ve been the sole parent all day every day, while also holding down a demanding full-time corporate job and grieving a life changing and devastating loss. I’m completely burned out, and the idea of taking a few days to myself in London sounded like a much-needed break.

My girls aren’t interested in long flights and said they wouldn’t mind me going for a few days. I’m not trying to abandon them, which is exactly why I came here to ask the question. I knew this could be judged, and based on some of these responses, I see that it is.

You’ve all given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through. You do the best you can and what is right for you. My friend is a widow and leaves her kids with family when she goes away. It’s good for all of them.

It’s different but my kids cherish the time they have alone with their grandparents. My parents love having the kids when I’m not there too.

[Anonymous]

I say go, and the people who judged so harshly are absolutely clueless as to what a loss like THIS is to bear.