Is it OK for a widowed parent to travel without the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes definitely. Trusted caregivers in charge, go go go. Take care of yourself

Kids lost a father too. They need the care too. The mom is now gallivanting away to London. Why?

Widowed parent is getting away from what? She is getting away from the children.

She is getting away from the sadness and a home that is missing an important person. And everyone in the home missing that person intensely.

Going somewhere different helps. It's true that getting away from the grind of mothering is relaxing. But that would be true regardless of widowhood. It's not a moral failing to admit.

I have a friend who is a recent widow. We have started meeting more often. I am fine with her expressing her grief, which she does every time we meet. I am meeting with her more often so she has someone she can tell that to, besides her college age sons who share her tremendous grief. And also because it is comforting to know that other people want to hear your voice, do things with you, snap you out of your funk.

Your friend's kids are college aged and presumably at college with their own friends/life - OP's kids are tweens.
You are meeting locally with your friend for a few hours - OP is going to England without her kids for a few days.

If I had to take a guess, OP is basically prowling right now. She is not thinking of going to a local health spa for rest and relaxation for a few hours. The normal maternal protective instinct after losing her spouse would be to not leave the girls for even a moment alone. Her excuse is that the kids can't miss school.

Reposting, to correct the quotation.


Prowling, ridiculous. My friend has one of the college kids living with her. Which he is kindly doing so they both can get used to life without dad. It also saves money. They have the money, but it is of course, prudent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes definitely. Trusted caregivers in charge, go go go. Take care of yourself

Kids lost a father too. They need the care too. The mom is now gallivanting away to London. Why?

Widowed parent is getting away from what? She is getting away from the children.

She is getting away from the sadness and a home that is missing an important person. And everyone in the home missing that person intensely.

Going somewhere different helps. It's true that getting away from the grind of mothering is relaxing. But that would be true regardless of widowhood. It's not a moral failing to admit.

I have a friend who is a recent widow. We have started meeting more often. I am fine with her expressing her grief, which she does every time we meet. I am meeting with her more often so she has someone she can tell that to, besides her college age sons who share her tremendous grief. And also because it is comforting to know that other people want to hear your voice, do things with you, snap you out of your funk.

Your friend's kids are college aged and presumably at college with their own friends/life - OP's kids are tweens.
You are meeting locally with your friend for a few hours - OP is going to England without her kids for a few days.

If I had to take a guess, OP is basically prowling right now. She is not thinking of going to a local health spa for rest and relaxation for a few hours. The normal maternal protective instinct after losing her spouse would be to not leave the girls for even a moment alone. Her excuse is that the kids can't miss school.

You should seriously eff right off with your conjecture. Nasty piece of work. Wow.

Ditto for it all. But, for OP.
Thankfully, this is anonymous and I can say what many will be thinking. OP's instinct to leave her kids so soon after her spouse's passing is abnormal AF.

I disagree. Not abnormal. Different families have different norms about processing death. It can connect to religious beliefs, parenting styles, or any other source of norms and values.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the kids and whether they’d be anxious. But generally this sounds fine to me and really good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's fine. It'll give them a break from your grief. It'll give you a break from theirs.

Grief lessens when everyone is together.

Do you have experience with parenting grieving tweens while grieving yourself?

I posted above about maybe doing a trial overnight with grandma.

I lost a child, and my kids lost a sibling. My youngest, who was ten, grieved very differently from an adult. He'd have periods when he was very intensely sad, and then periods when he'd throw himself into something as if nothing had happened. I can remember him begging to go on a playdate less than 24 hours after the death. The child grief therapist who worked with us said that this was very normal, and that kids absolutely need breaks from grief in a way that's hard for most adults to comprehend.

I will also say that while, obviously, I am profoundly grateful that I have other children, being a caregiver while grieving, is incredibly hard. Being able to focus on just herself, might be exactly what this mom needs.

Yes, kids grieve differently from adults. But, grieving kids still need to be near parents, even if they want to be in grandma's house or friend's house for playdates. Your 10 yr old knew that you were home.

Also, I am 100% for caregivers taking care of themselves, but in this situation the most natural thing would be to go somewhere local so that she remained accessible but cocooned from home if needed. The instinct to leave the kids and cross the atlantic ocean is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's fine. It'll give them a break from your grief. It'll give you a break from theirs.

Grief lessens when everyone is together.

Do you have experience with parenting grieving tweens while grieving yourself?

I posted above about maybe doing a trial overnight with grandma.

I lost a child, and my kids lost a sibling. My youngest, who was ten, grieved very differently from an adult. He'd have periods when he was very intensely sad, and then periods when he'd throw himself into something as if nothing had happened. I can remember him begging to go on a playdate less than 24 hours after the death. The child grief therapist who worked with us said that this was very normal, and that kids absolutely need breaks from grief in a way that's hard for most adults to comprehend.

I will also say that while, obviously, I am profoundly grateful that I have other children, being a caregiver while grieving, is incredibly hard. Being able to focus on just herself, might be exactly what this mom needs.

Yes, kids grieve differently from adults. But, grieving kids still need to be near parents, even if they want to be in grandma's house or friend's house for playdates. Your 10 yr old knew that you were home.

Also, I am 100% for caregivers taking care of themselves, but in this situation the most natural thing would be to go somewhere local so that she remained accessible but cocooned from home if needed. The instinct to leave the kids and cross the atlantic ocean is weird.

'

Do you have actual experience, or are you guessing while lecturing me about what my kids needed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes definitely. Trusted caregivers in charge, go go go. Take care of yourself

Kids lost a father too. They need the care too. The mom is now gallivanting away to London. Why?

Widowed parent is getting away from what? She is getting away from the children.

Gallivanting? You are nuts and expect women to be martyrs. Step back in to 1950 where you belong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's fine. It'll give them a break from your grief. It'll give you a break from theirs.

Grief lessens when everyone is together.

Do you have experience with parenting grieving tweens while grieving yourself?

I posted above about maybe doing a trial overnight with grandma.

I lost a child, and my kids lost a sibling. My youngest, who was ten, grieved very differently from an adult. He'd have periods when he was very intensely sad, and then periods when he'd throw himself into something as if nothing had happened. I can remember him begging to go on a playdate less than 24 hours after the death. The child grief therapist who worked with us said that this was very normal, and that kids absolutely need breaks from grief in a way that's hard for most adults to comprehend.

I will also say that while, obviously, I am profoundly grateful that I have other children, being a caregiver while grieving, is incredibly hard. Being able to focus on just herself, might be exactly what this mom needs.

Yes, kids grieve differently from adults. But, grieving kids still need to be near parents, even if they want to be in grandma's house or friend's house for playdates. Your 10 yr old knew that you were home.

Also, I am 100% for caregivers taking care of themselves, but in this situation the most natural thing would be to go somewhere local so that she remained accessible but cocooned from home if needed. The instinct to leave the kids and cross the atlantic ocean is weird.

You are ridiculous. The children aren't going to be hurt by spending a few days with a granma they are close with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the kids and whether they’d be anxious. But generally this sounds fine to me and really good for you.

Agree with this. Assuming your kids seem to be doing ok, this seems like it could be really nice. You are lucky there is a grandma in the picture who can stay with them - you may not have that forever so take advantage!

[Anonymous]

As long as your children are fine with it. I would not do that if they felt insecure without me in the widowed situation you describe.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, I didn’t expect such polarized responses.

To answer some questions: my husband died suddenly a little less than a year ago. My girls were 9 and 11 at the time; they’re now 10 and 12. I’m absolutely not “prowling” or trying to date anyone.

For the past 11 months, I’ve been the sole parent all day every day, while also holding down a demanding full-time corporate job and grieving a life changing and devastating loss. I’m completely burned out, and the idea of taking a few days to myself in London sounded like a much-needed break.

My girls aren’t interested in long flights and said they wouldn’t mind me going for a few days. I’m not trying to abandon them, which is exactly why I came here to ask the question. I knew this could be judged, and based on some of these responses, I see that it is.

You’ve all given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, I didn’t expect such polarized responses.

To answer some questions: my husband died suddenly a little less than a year ago. My girls were 9 and 11 at the time; they’re now 10 and 12. I’m absolutely not “prowling” or trying to date anyone.

For the past 11 months, I’ve been the sole parent all day every day, while also holding down a demanding full-time corporate job and grieving a life changing and devastating loss. I’m completely burned out, and the idea of taking a few days to myself in London sounded like a much-needed break.

My girls aren’t interested in long flights and said they wouldn’t mind me going for a few days. I’m not trying to abandon them, which is exactly why I came here to ask the question. I knew this could be judged, and based on some of these responses, I see that it is.

You’ve all given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

Have they spent nights away from you since the loss? Sleepovers with friends for example? I am the PP who lost a child and feel like their first night away from you should probably be closer but if that goes well you should go for it.

My only other question is whether there is an option that doesn’t involve a time change for you. Jet lag can be exhausting and it sounds like coming back not tired might be easier. Could you afford something else?

[Anonymous]

London to DC isn't a terribly long flight. Also does this friend have kids? She asked you and the girls along so she's probably not thinking of an adult only trip maybe do that a different time.

[Anonymous]

There are some really damaged people that post on this board, I swear. I knew people here love to come for the divorced moms but apparently the widows aren’t safe either!

[Anonymous]

Yes, I don't see a problem.

[Anonymous]

Of course it’s okay! Have fun!