Is it OK for a widowed parent to travel without the kids?

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your loss. How long has it been, and how are the kids handling it?

I think it's important to take care of yourself, and to build or maintain connections for your kids with other people, so this has the potential to be a very good thing.

On the other hand, it could be really anxiety provoking.

Could you do a trial? Maybe take them to your mom's for the weekend, and you go to a hotel, or something, and see how they do? If they do fine, then try the lnger trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody GAF what you do with your life. Literally nobody.

Her kids do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's fine. It'll give them a break from your grief. It'll give you a break from theirs.

I agree with this. Being a widow does not necessarily mean you should live your life differently, with regard to activities. And you need to reaffirm your bonds to other people and take comfort in their company.

You will be so reachable if you want to. You can continue evening routines like a check-in from London via Facetime/Zoom.

When I was a kid, a trip to Europe meant no connection with everyday life for the full time.

On my last trip to England, my younger son continued his evening habit of playing video games online with his cousins still in the US. That included a full voice channel.

You can tell the girls that there will be a chance for them to go on overseas trips at a later time. London is not harder to visit than Los Angeles. So they are not being deprived of anything. And they need to be in school, not taken out for London. If this were a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to visit China for free or something much more difficult to plan, that could be weighed a bit differently.

[Anonymous]

There's a kid in my daughter's class who lost her dad. The kid is clearly lost and struggling. Her behavior is terrible, she's a bully, etc. Her mom also travels a lot by herself (or with men). Would it be different if her mom took less "me time"? I can't say for sure, but I also know that not being like that mom is one the guiding lights of my parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes definitely. Trusted caregivers in charge, go go go. Take care of yourself

Kids lost a father too. They need the care too. The mom is now gallivanting away to London. Why?

Widowed parent is getting away from what? She is getting away from the children.

She is getting away from the sadness and a home that is missing an important person. And everyone in the home missing that person intensely.

Going somewhere different helps. It's true that getting away from the grind of mothering is relaxing. But that would be true regardless of widowhood. It's not a moral failing to admit.

I have a friend who is a recent widow. We have started meeting more often. I am fine with her expressing her grief, which she does every time we meet. I am meeting with her more often so she has someone she can tell that to, besides her college age sons who share her tremendous grief. And also because it is comforting to know that other people want to hear your voice, do things with you, snap you out of your funk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a kid in my daughter's class who lost her dad. The kid is clearly lost and struggling. Her behavior is terrible, she's a bully, etc. Her mom also travels a lot by herself (or with men). Would it be different if her mom took less "me time"? I can't say for sure, but I also know that not being like that mom is one the guiding lights of my parenting.

There is a balance here. One trip is not too much "me time". Dating is a completely different thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a kid in my daughter's class who lost her dad. The kid is clearly lost and struggling. Her behavior is terrible, she's a bully, etc. Her mom also travels a lot by herself (or with men). Would it be different if her mom took less "me time"? I can't say for sure, but I also know that not being like that mom is one the guiding lights of my parenting.

There is a balance here. One trip is not too much "me time". Dating is a completely different thing.

Maybe. You don't know what's going to make a kid feel like they've lost both their parents. Personally, I'd like to know I was there for my kids, but a lot of people here disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a kid in my daughter's class who lost her dad. The kid is clearly lost and struggling. Her behavior is terrible, she's a bully, etc. Her mom also travels a lot by herself (or with men). Would it be different if her mom took less "me time"? I can't say for sure, but I also know that not being like that mom is one the guiding lights of my parenting.

Oh please. Maybe she was like this before her father died. Maybe this is OP's first time in a year going away from her kids. That's very different than going off with different potential new daddies every few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes definitely. Trusted caregivers in charge, go go go. Take care of yourself

Kids lost a father too. They need the care too. The mom is now gallivanting away to London. Why?

Widowed parent is getting away from what? She is getting away from the children.

She is getting away from the sadness and a home that is missing an important person. And everyone in the home missing that person intensely.

Going somewhere different helps. It's true that getting away from the grind of mothering is relaxing. But that would be true regardless of widowhood. It's not a moral failing to admit.

I have a friend who is a recent widow. We have started meeting more often. I am fine with her expressing her grief, which she does every time we meet. I am meeting with her more often so she has someone she can tell that to, besides her college age sons who share her tremendous grief. And also because it is comforting to know that other people want to hear your voice, do things with you, snap you out of your funk.

Your friend's kids are college aged and presumably at college with their own friends/life - OP's kids are tweens.
You are meeting locally with your friend for a few hours - OP is going to England without her kids for a few days.

If I had to take a guess, OP is basically prowling right now. She is not thinking of going to a local health spa for rest and relaxation for a few hours. The normal maternal protective instinct after losing her spouse would be to not leave the girls for even a moment alone. Her excuse is that the kids can't miss school.

[Anonymous]

There are lot of people posting here who have no idea what it’s like, OP, and are not qualified to respond. Who are judging.

I don’t know either. Please ignore everyone and just discuss with your family and do whatever is best for your family. It is not anyone else’s concern.

Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes definitely. Trusted caregivers in charge, go go go. Take care of yourself

Kids lost a father too. They need the care too. The mom is now gallivanting away to London. Why?

Widowed parent is getting away from what? She is getting away from the children.

She is getting away from the sadness and a home that is missing an important person. And everyone in the home missing that person intensely.

Going somewhere different helps. It's true that getting away from the grind of mothering is relaxing. But that would be true regardless of widowhood. It's not a moral failing to admit.

I have a friend who is a recent widow. We have started meeting more often. I am fine with her expressing her grief, which she does every time we meet. I am meeting with her more often so she has someone she can tell that to, besides her college age sons who share her tremendous grief. And also because it is comforting to know that other people want to hear your voice, do things with you, snap you out of your funk.

Your friend's kids are college aged and presumably at college with their own friends/life - OP's kids are tweens.
You are meeting locally with your friend for a few hours - OP is going to England without her kids for a few days.

If I had to take a guess, OP is basically prowling right now. She is not thinking of going to a local health spa for rest and relaxation for a few hours. The normal maternal protective instinct after losing her spouse would be to not leave the girls for even a moment alone. Her excuse is that the kids can't miss school.

You should seriously eff right off with your conjecture. Nasty piece of work. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a kid in my daughter's class who lost her dad. The kid is clearly lost and struggling. Her behavior is terrible, she's a bully, etc. Her mom also travels a lot by herself (or with men). Would it be different if her mom took less "me time"? I can't say for sure, but I also know that not being like that mom is one the guiding lights of my parenting.

Oh please. Maybe she was like this before her father died. Maybe this is OP's first time in a year going away from her kids. That's very different than going off with different potential new daddies every few months.

I find everything the OP has said to be suspect. This is abnormal to leave your kids behind if you have lost your spouse.

Why does this mom needs to be away from her tween kids who have lost a dad, for a few days? Sorry. Something is not adding up.

I absolutely get wanting to get away for a few hours, or have a quite house so that you can sleep in etc. This sounds like a weird trip. Are you sure that the old friend of her late husband who has invited her is a "she". Seems like a booty call trip to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's fine. It'll give them a break from your grief. It'll give you a break from theirs.

Grief lessens when everyone is together.

Do you have experience with parenting grieving tweens while grieving yourself?

I posted above about maybe doing a trial overnight with grandma.

I lost a child, and my kids lost a sibling. My youngest, who was ten, grieved very differently from an adult. He'd have periods when he was very intensely sad, and then periods when he'd throw himself into something as if nothing had happened. I can remember him begging to go on a playdate less than 24 hours after the death. The child grief therapist who worked with us said that this was very normal, and that kids absolutely need breaks from grief in a way that's hard for most adults to comprehend.

I will also say that while, obviously, I am profoundly grateful that I have other children, being a caregiver while grieving, is incredibly hard. Being able to focus on just herself, might be exactly what this mom needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes definitely. Trusted caregivers in charge, go go go. Take care of yourself

Kids lost a father too. They need the care too. The mom is now gallivanting away to London. Why?

Widowed parent is getting away from what? She is getting away from the children.

She is getting away from the sadness and a home that is missing an important person. And everyone in the home missing that person intensely.

Going somewhere different helps. It's true that getting away from the grind of mothering is relaxing. But that would be true regardless of widowhood. It's not a moral failing to admit.

I have a friend who is a recent widow. We have started meeting more often. I am fine with her expressing her grief, which she does every time we meet. I am meeting with her more often so she has someone she can tell that to, besides her college age sons who share her tremendous grief. And also because it is comforting to know that other people want to hear your voice, do things with you, snap you out of your funk.

Your friend's kids are college aged and presumably at college with their own friends/life - OP's kids are tweens.
You are meeting locally with your friend for a few hours - OP is going to England without her kids for a few days.

If I had to take a guess, OP is basically prowling right now. She is not thinking of going to a local health spa for rest and relaxation for a few hours. The normal maternal protective instinct after losing her spouse would be to not leave the girls for even a moment alone. Her excuse is that the kids can't miss school.

You should seriously eff right off with your conjecture. Nasty piece of work. Wow.

Ditto for it all. But, for OP.
Thankfully, this is anonymous and I can say what many will be thinking. OP's instinct to leave her kids so soon after her spouse's passing is abnormal AF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes definitely. Trusted caregivers in charge, go go go. Take care of yourself

Kids lost a father too. They need the care too. The mom is now gallivanting away to London. Why?

Widowed parent is getting away from what? She is getting away from the children.

She is getting away from the sadness and a home that is missing an important person. And everyone in the home missing that person intensely.

Going somewhere different helps. It's true that getting away from the grind of mothering is relaxing. But that would be true regardless of widowhood. It's not a moral failing to admit.

I have a friend who is a recent widow. We have started meeting more often. I am fine with her expressing her grief, which she does every time we meet. I am meeting with her more often so she has someone she can tell that to, besides her college age sons who share her tremendous grief. And also because it is comforting to know that other people want to hear your voice, do things with you, snap you out of your funk.

Prowling, ridiculous. My friend has one of the college kids living with her. Which he is kindly doing so they both can get used to life without dad. It also saves money. They have the money, but it is of course, prudent.

Your friend's kids are college aged and presumably at college with their own friends/life - OP's kids are tweens.
You are meeting locally with your friend for a few hours - OP is going to England without her kids for a few days.

If I had to take a guess, OP is basically prowling right now. She is not thinking of going to a local health spa for rest and relaxation for a few hours. The normal maternal protective instinct after losing her spouse would be to not leave the girls for even a moment alone. Her excuse is that the kids can't miss school.