How to make peace with not being a wife and mother

[Anonymous]

You’re still young and get married again and yes, have a baby. You don’t need to resort to sperm donors at IVF.

[Anonymous]

I was raised by a single mother, best mother in the world, gave me everything, including a world class education. And we we're poor. OP, you can become a great mother even without a man, not saying it will be easy raising a child, but can be done. Good luck and God bless u.

[Anonymous]

My friend froze her eggs at 35 and just had a baby at almost 46 (with a 40 y.o. partner)

[Anonymous]

My niece was married to a real jerk for about a decade and they divorced when she was about 36. She remarried to a very nice guy at 38 and they had a baby at 41.

But it’s also totally okay not to have kids. Really. It does not define you as a woman.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. Cheaters suck. He sucks. Divorce sucks. I'm going through it now too. I love my kids, but wish I never ever had to see my ex again. It would help so much with healing. instead i feel like I'm being retraumatized every day. i will forever be tethered to this b*stard due to my kids.

But still have a long life ahead, and can be a mom if you want- hopefully with a future, worthy man. Maybe freeze your eggs now, just in case.
I wish you healing and peace

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:38. In the process of divorcing my cheating, emotionally abusive alcoholic husband.

I feel like roadkill. I wasted an extra 5 years after he showed me who he was in 2019 by cheating on me with multiple women including a 19 year old GW student.

I was delusional and desperate to be a mother and clung on...we had 2-ish good years again and then he is back to getting on Tinder, Bumble, pretending he is single and trash talking me to his friends behind my back while putting IVF on hold.

At this point, I am numb and do not care anymore. I NEED him out of my life!

But...this isn't just a normal divorce...it is the end of my goal of being a mother and building a family.

Just have unprotected sex with some hot dude while you are ovulating. Don't tell him. Be a single mom and live your best life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll echo everyone else. I know you feel old and you've wasted 5 years, but all things considered you're still relatively young and you're about to free yourself for the rest of your life. Go read about all the divorces and cheating that happen in marriages WITH kids. You'll feel much better about your decision to divorce, live your life on your terms, and be a mom all by yourself and get to make all the decisions and avoid conflict and disappointment. You'll build your own family. And later if you're bored you can revisit having a man in your life.

Also I'll be very clear about this. I understand you think the version of divorce you are facing right now is particularly hard because you don't yet have children, and that is true. But for many many women who are divorcing with children, it is excruciating because they are losing 50% of their children's time due to join custody. If I could go back and do it again, knowing what I know now, I would choose to have kids on my own because I know I can count on myself and I would never have to face losing half my child's young life to the unilateral self-serving decisions of a spineless cheater.

+1. For me, as a mom who divorced with kids, it's not so much that I lost 50% time with them, it's that I saddled them with a crappy dad. A dad (or prospective dad) who cheats on the wife/mom is not a guy who is going to be a reliable father in the broad sense of the term -- financial provider, connected, authentic, able to respond and prioritize another's needs, able to support the mom, able to stick to things long term, etc. -- although they may have their circus dad moments (which are not enough whether you are a married mom or a single mom).

I wouldn't look at this as the end of a dream OP, I would look at it as the end of your delusion that this would work out into your dream. Personally, if there are no kids, I would move out and file tomorrow. The sooner you get this crappy guy out of your life, the sooner you can progress toward your dreams.

[Anonymous]

38 is not too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll echo everyone else. I know you feel old and you've wasted 5 years, but all things considered you're still relatively young and you're about to free yourself for the rest of your life. Go read about all the divorces and cheating that happen in marriages WITH kids. You'll feel much better about your decision to divorce, live your life on your terms, and be a mom all by yourself and get to make all the decisions and avoid conflict and disappointment. You'll build your own family. And later if you're bored you can revisit having a man in your life.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're 38! Don't give up until you're 45 at least.

You easily could find another husband and father. You also could become a single mom by choice.

Omg no
Children do not need mothers over 40

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're 38! Don't give up until you're 45 at least.

You easily could find another husband and father. You also could become a single mom by choice.

Omg no
Children do not need mothers over 40

It doesn’t matter. I had my second kid (unplanned) at 37 from intercourse one time in nearly 3 years. I have several friends that had first kids at 40 and second and third kids up to age 45.

[Anonymous]

It's not the end, there are other options out there for you. I suggest you get yourself into therapy and decide what you want the rest of your life to look like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being 38 does not mean the end of your ability to become a mother.

Some women who don't have partners go on to do IVF and be single mothers by choice because they just need to be a mother no matter what.

You don't have to have a spouse or partner to be a mom.

I hope you're able to realize your dream in the near future!

+1000 to all of this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. Don’t let him take away your dream of being a mother. You can do it on your own if that’s what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll echo everyone else. I know you feel old and you've wasted 5 years, but all things considered you're still relatively young and you're about to free yourself for the rest of your life. Go read about all the divorces and cheating that happen in marriages WITH kids. You'll feel much better about your decision to divorce, live your life on your terms, and be a mom all by yourself and get to make all the decisions and avoid conflict and disappointment. You'll build your own family. And later if you're bored you can revisit having a man in your life.

Also I'll be very clear about this. I understand you think the version of divorce you are facing right now is particularly hard because you don't yet have children, and that is true. But for many many women who are divorcing with children, it is excruciating because they are losing 50% of their children's time due to join custody. If I could go back and do it again, knowing what I know now, I would choose to have kids on my own because I know I can count on myself and I would never have to face losing half my child's young life to the unilateral self-serving decisions of a spineless cheater.

This. It is a million times easier to have a child alone than with a guy.

Just look at all the threads here from men who sit on their phone all day and don’t contribute, and hide behind “ADHD”.

Sad reality is most men cannot function, especially not once kids are in the picture.

You are WAY better off doing it alone.

I wouldn't want to have kids without my husband. I don't think I could do it. Not saying OP can't, just saying not all of us are married to losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll echo everyone else. I know you feel old and you've wasted 5 years, but all things considered you're still relatively young and you're about to free yourself for the rest of your life. Go read about all the divorces and cheating that happen in marriages WITH kids. You'll feel much better about your decision to divorce, live your life on your terms, and be a mom all by yourself and get to make all the decisions and avoid conflict and disappointment. You'll build your own family. And later if you're bored you can revisit having a man in your life.

Also I'll be very clear about this. I understand you think the version of divorce you are facing right now is particularly hard because you don't yet have children, and that is true. But for many many women who are divorcing with children, it is excruciating because they are losing 50% of their children's time due to join custody. If I could go back and do it again, knowing what I know now, I would choose to have kids on my own because I know I can count on myself and I would never have to face losing half my child's young life to the unilateral self-serving decisions of a spineless cheater.

This. It is a million times easier to have a child alone than with a guy.

Just look at all the threads here from men who sit on their phone all day and don’t contribute, and hide behind “ADHD”.

Sad reality is most men cannot function, especially not once kids are in the picture.

You are WAY better off doing it alone.

I wouldn't want to have kids without my husband. I don't think I could do it. Not saying OP can't, just saying not all of us are married to losers.

OBVIOUSLY, it’s easier to have kids with an involved and equal partner than it is to have kids as a single mom. And usually - and definitely in cases like the OP’s situation - it’s easier to have a kid as a single mom than it is to be saddled with a worthless partner.