How to make peace with not being a wife and mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll echo everyone else. I know you feel old and you've wasted 5 years, but all things considered you're still relatively young and you're about to free yourself for the rest of your life. Go read about all the divorces and cheating that happen in marriages WITH kids. You'll feel much better about your decision to divorce, live your life on your terms, and be a mom all by yourself and get to make all the decisions and avoid conflict and disappointment. You'll build your own family. And later if you're bored you can revisit having a man in your life.

Also I'll be very clear about this. I understand you think the version of divorce you are facing right now is particularly hard because you don't yet have children, and that is true. But for many many women who are divorcing with children, it is excruciating because they are losing 50% of their children's time due to join custody. If I could go back and do it again, knowing what I know now, I would choose to have kids on my own because I know I can count on myself and I would never have to face losing half my child's young life to the unilateral self-serving decisions of a spineless cheater.

This. It is a million times easier to have a child alone than with a guy.

Just look at all the threads here from men who sit on their phone all day and don’t contribute, and hide behind “ADHD”.

Sad reality is most men cannot function, especially not once kids are in the picture.

You are WAY better off doing it alone.

+1

Current thread present on this.

[Anonymous]

Divorce and become a SMBC with donor sperm! It will be difficult, but so would having a kid with a deadbeat husband who didn’t contribute and was cheating. Or having to share custody with him after a divorce. Without any kids in the picture right now, a divorce should proceed relatively smoothly and you can get started on the next stage of your life. Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

We had a baby at around 40. It's not too late. You can still make this happen. Sending good vibes to you,

[Anonymous]

I totally agree it’s not too late. I’ll also add it’s ok to make peace with not having a kid, too! You just have to really tune in to what you want most. Use this opportunity to think about your life goals and then make the steps to get there,

[Anonymous]

Go buy some very high quality sperm. You can do it on your own!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why IVF? Did you all try the old fashioned way and weren't successful? The universe might have been speaking to you... you might find the man of your dreams soon and pregnancy could come easily. Reframe your thinking

And having kids with this guy would have been awful--you dodged a bullet!!

The only way your story gets worse OP is if you HAD HAD a baby! Then you'd have to share custody and parenting time with this man-baby. FOREVER. It never stops!

If you want a sperm donor, you can get that without the strings attached of an abusive ex.

First: divorce. Then decide if you want to pursue being a single mom.

[Anonymous]

SMBC here. OP I totally was mourning the loss of wife/mother role at 35. My parents had an absolutely horrific divorce and as a result, I dated like a moron in my 20s and early 30s. By the time I woke up and fixed my “picker“ there was nobody left. Yes, I know someone will pipe up with a unicorn story about meeting their perfect husband and having two healthy kids at 36 but statistics did not suggest that that was going to happen. I decided I probably couldn’t have both roles, but I definitely had control over one and I had a baby on my own at 37. I am so happy. Our life is incredibly full; DD is in high school now and I can date all I want. Our lives are simple and peaceful. Come on over to this side. I am grateful every day for this life!

[Anonymous]

Girl I had a kid accidentally at 24 with someone I didn't know was abusive. You don't need a marriage or a man to have a kid.

I had to reimagine my life in so many ways after that. I know it sucks, but let it go. If you want to be a Mom go be a Mom!

[Anonymous]

I'm a SMBC. I had a kid in my early 40's. He's a teenager now, and parenthood is the sanest aspect of my life.

If you make less than 6 figures, it would be helpful to be near family. You do need cash to substitute for the second parent, mostly in one-off childcare for oddly timed work meetings and jury duty. It can be done.

[Anonymous]

...or maybe, stop reading DCUM if you don't have children? I am sensitive to your situation, but why are here? Self flagellation?

You Clearly need someone to talk to and a community, but this may be the wrong place for you right now.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it was a good thing you didn’t have a kid with that loser. His genes would be bad anyway. I’d rather have a kid on my own than with a loser that would just make me feel bad.

[Anonymous]

I had an online friend who went through this. I looked for some of her posts just now, but I guess that forum is gone. She shared a lot about putting her husband through rehab twice, then the divorce and paying alimony, and then her remodeling her house on her own and the sense of freedom that she found.

Her final post was called “Skipping Children” and she updated it from time to time for a couple of years. She is an ED doc, and she met a police officer that was there with a patient. They started dating. He was only a few years older than her, but he had had his children young, and he had several small grandchildren. He had a great relationship with his kids and grandkids, and she was very much accepted into the family. She found herself with this big extended family and grandchildren(!) without ever having her own children.

I’m sure I’m not telling this well, but it was so lovely to see how everything unfolded for her. She went from really being kind of a stressed out mess to legitimately happy with normal amounts of stress.
I wish the best for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know 3 single moms by choice and they are all so so happy. They do have family support nearby. It’s not the end of that dream if you want it! I’m rooting for you.

Why does everyone center the happiness of the adults in this situation? What if the child isn’t happy that they were born from a sperm donor or the mother purposefully decided they wouldn’t have a relationship with their own father?

Think about that OP, before you start listening to the radical people on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:38. In the process of divorcing my cheating, emotionally abusive alcoholic husband.

I feel like roadkill. I wasted an extra 5 years after he showed me who he was in 2019 by cheating on me with multiple women including a 19 year old GW student.

I was delusional and desperate to be a mother and clung on...we had 2-ish good years again and then he is back to getting on Tinder, Bumble, pretending he is single and trash talking me to his friends behind my back while putting IVF on hold.

At this point, I am numb and do not care anymore. I NEED him out of my life!

But...this isn't just a normal divorce...it is the end of my goal of being a mother and building a family.

How old is he? I'm sorry OP. I am a man and I will admit some of us really have issues with our sexual impulses.

[Anonymous]

One thing at a time.

Prioritize getting the divorce and getting this loser out of your life.

You can still have a baby and get married. After your divorce focus on that. Best wishes. Life will get easier after you take the trash out.