How do I navigate my new overbearing friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team New Friend

Me too.

[Anonymous]

I love that we all collectively want to go befriend Candle Lady! I love that some woman is walking around out there with no idea that a whole group of strangers are rooting for her to have great friendships with other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Very thoughtful gesture. Beats the friend who ditched your event last minute.

+1

Agree here!
You shared, perhaps even overshared, some heavy news that made you sad and almost crying.
Then you asked her where to get candles.

In return, she shipped you 3 candles (omg, 3 whole candles).

[Anonymous]

You sound like the overbearing one. Let me cry about my friend who ditched my bachelorette to a new friend that I don't value, but OMG this new friend sent me a candle! They are too much!

Maybe your friend who can't attend your bachelorette is backing away because of your inability to be a real friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met her when I was out with my fiancé for New Years, and we seemingly hit it off. My fiancé and I moved here a year ago from the Midwest, so I thought it would be great to have a new girlfriend. We’ve hung out once a month, sometimes twice since we met. We even went on a day trip to Philadelphia, which I had a good time. We don’t talk all the time and just stick to hanging out for the most part so we’re not that close.

She came over to our house last week which was the first time I had seen in her in about a month. I was telling her how one of my best friends/bridesmaid decided to ditch my bachelorette last minute (she’s been acting off for months), which made me very sad. I was telling her how this had me in tears earlier in the week and how things had been feeling heavy. In turn, she was telling me how she’s going to go through her mother’s things and how hard it’ll be (she died recently). I told her to let me know if she needs help to let me know.

As she was leaving I asked her where she gets candles. She told me this small shop in Kentucky. Today, I come home and I have a package. I open it up and it’s 3 candles from the shop she mentioned with a note that said, “ I know last week had been tough, so I wanted to send a little care your way. I’m really glad we’ve gotten to know each other—here for you. And happy belated birthday!”. The sentiment is very nice but it seems a bit much? As I mentioned, we’re not that close. She randomly called me on FaceTime last month, which threw me off because we don’t have that type of relationship/friendship but that was whatever. This seems too much. You come to my house once and send me gifts? I like her but she’s a bit overbearing. How do I navigate this?

What is wrong with you? Oh, I know. You're a user.

What an awful human being you are.

[Anonymous]

She sounds really nice, you sound like you have some issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the Council has spoken. Your friend is amazing and you don’t deserve her.

+ 1. I would love to have a friend like her!

[Anonymous]

She did a kind thing it’s not weird. Just say thank you and enjoy the candles.

[Anonymous]

I’ll take “Creating Drama in My Friendships Where None Exists” for 400, Alex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds fantastic. What’s your problem?

this 100%

[Anonymous]

Can't wait for the follow up when new friend is over OP's house every weekend hosting candle purchasing parties or some other mlm scheme

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a candle, OP. It's just a nice gesture because you mentioned candles and you were having a hard time. She is being friendly. It's not too intimate and it's certainly not overbearing. Your perceptions of others' gestures are way off base and almost bordering on paranoia.

The three candles in total cost $90. You don’t think that’s a bit much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a candle, OP. It's just a nice gesture because you mentioned candles and you were having a hard time. She is being friendly. It's not too intimate and it's certainly not overbearing. Your perceptions of others' gestures are way off base and almost bordering on paranoia.

The three candles in total cost $90. You don’t think that’s a bit much?

Now I think you’re a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you're used to being treated badly in your friendships and your friendships are largely superficial and dramatic.

She seems lovely and thoughtful.

Spot on. She sounds like a good person, OP. If this makes you uncomfortable, go to a therapist for a month or two. Dig into why her behavior bothered you. The therapist will ask questions to help you discover this. Then the therapist will coach you on hire to have healthy relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her mom died recently and she talked about that w you and you had a friend disappointment and talked to her about that. You’re getting closer. Also, I agree w PP: have some perspective. Her mom just died and she is undoubtedly in a lot of emotional pain/grief. No matter what her relationship with her mom was like, losing a parent is a huge deal. She needs friends right now. If you can’t be a good friend to her, why? What are you afraid of? Getting too close w somrone?

You mention you’re from the Midwest (or moved to DC from the Midwest) I lived in the Midwest for 9 years and though im very outgoing and friendly, it was so hard to make real friends there. Midwest people are kind but distant. It’s hard to become close bc they don’t really let you in. They have their family and their little friend group from childhood or hs or college and it’s very insular. They’re not open to making new, close friends. Maybe you fit that Midwest stereotype too, OP. Nice but just looking for surface level relationships.

I’m not sure if this makes a difference or not but her mom died in August, so it isn’t recent. She was talking about her because this was a few days after Mother’s Day. I offered to help her with moving her mom’s things because it was a considerate thing to do and wanted to be a good friend. I don’t want you all to think I’ve dismissed her grief.

Maybe it is a Midwest thing - “kind but distant”. I don’t know.

Grief comes in waves, OP. Mother’s Day will probably be hard for her for a couple years, minimum. You never really get over losing a parent who raised you.